But what does that mean?

Every self help guru will tell you to “love yourself” or [tag-tec]practice “self-love” [/tag-tec]first before you can love others. Do you even really know what those terms mean? Perhaps sometimes you think you do, but how often at the very same time you don’t seem to like yourself much. Do you wonder how you can love what you don’t like?

Regardless of how you currently feel about yourself, continue reading and discover how to love yourself in ways that will bring much more [tag-tec]happiness[/tag-tec] and satisfaction into your life.

[tag-tec]Relationships[/tag-tec] should be filled with fun, closeness, caring, and happiness, right? We think so and we know that when you focus on these qualities you will experience much more of them in your relationships. But first, you must be able to see them in yourself. Whether you are single, married, or divorced, all your relationships will be improved when you truly know and love yourself for who you really are.

We will address three important steps that you can take to move toward self-love and mastering the art of happiness.

Step one: Examine how you think. So much of what we feel about ourselves is determined by what we think about our lives in general. From the time we are small children, our parents raise us to focus on “right” and “wrong.” This can lead to thinking that you might be “wrong” or there is something “wrong” with you. Examine your thoughts carefully. You can do this when you use your emotions as a warning. Each time you feel discomfort of any kind, do your best to discover what you were thinking just before you started feeling that way.

Step two: Find out what is most important to you. You will be amazed at the changes you can make in your life once you discover what is most important to you. By focusing your attention on the important things, you will quickly turn your life around and get closer to not only self-love, but authentic happiness. Often the things that are most important are hidden deep beneath our everyday negative feelings. After you have completed the first step and examined how you think, you can begin to take the next step and uncover your values. Identifying how you think and then identifying what is most important can help you channel your energies effectively toward making your life better.

Feelings of sadness, confusion, or anger are just covering up values that are missing in a situation. When you are feeling sad confused or angry it’s almost impossible to practice self-love. Identifying your undiscovered values can help you notice amazing parts of you that you can easily like and then learn to love.

For instance, beneath sadness, there is probably some sort of regret about losing hope in a dream. Underneath confusion is a desire for understanding. Within anger, there might be a need for caring.

Step three: When you truly know yourself, you’re never alone. Any time you find yourself lonely or feeling sorry for yourself, know that you can be your own best friend by remembering to stop, identifying what you value underneath your feelings, and take time to appreciate yourself–you are an amazing human being that values beautiful things. So start practicing these self-love techniques and get on your way to mastering the true art of happiness today.

Until next time…

With love,
Beth and Neill

[tag-tec]Need Relationship Advice[/tag-tec]?

If you’re unhappy with any of your [tag-tec]relationships[/tag-tec], you’re probably placing some of the blame on the other person. At one level, it does make it easier to handle, when we don’t think it is entirely our fault if things are not how we would like them to be. But at the same time we are only prolonging our pain and suffering, because you are in control of your own peace and happiness.. It’s time to stop waiting for the other person to change.

You probably already realize that you cannot change other people, so stop trying. Now this is not to say you can’t request cooperation or negotiate agreements, what we’re saying is you must first begin with yourself. You are in control of creating the healthier, happier relationships you want.

It’s true. Changing relationships that are not going the way you would like them to is actually possible. Sometimes talking about problems helps resolve them, other times more drastic measures are called for. Whatever the problem, you probably already know that ignoring it is not going to help. Here are four steps that you can take to [tag-tec]improve your relationships[/tag-tec], even if you think you’ve already done all that you can.

One – Discover What Your Values Are

Before you can fix a troubled relationship, you must clearly identify what it is that you value for yourself. Think about exactly what you want to experience in your relationships. Maybe you value peaceful, harmonious relationships, ones that do not involve conflict or fighting. You might want to have more honest and satisfying relationships.

Values are not equivalent to strategies. You cannot establish harmony and peace in a relationship simply by eliminating conflict and fighting. You have to develop a strategy that will lead you to harmony—not just to avoid fighting.

Two – Decide What it is That You Truly Want from Your Relationships

When you are identifying your values and strategies, it’s critical that you focus on the positives of what you DO want, not what you DON’T want. These two things are not one and the same.

If you identify that you do not want your significant other to spend so much time with their friends, and then they decide to work more, this is not solving any of your relationship problems. Instead, identify a value such as connection or intimacy, and then focus your attention on developing strategies that work toward that value.

If you express things in terms of what you DON’T want, this does not clarify what you DO want. Instead of saying things in negative terms, express to your relationship partners what it is that you do want and look forward to from your relationship, and you will be more likely to get those things specifically. Only then will you see the real changes you hoped for.

Three – Take Time to Find Out What the Other Person Wants

So, you have successfully identified what it is that you want in your relationship. Now, it’s time to identify what it is that the other person wants. This is the only way you can truly create a shared vision for the relationship. Identifying what you each want makes it possible for all parties to be satisfied. By taking the initiative, you are demonstrating how much you care about the relationship, opening the other person to the possibility of wanting to make it better, too.

You can help the other person identify what they value in a few different ways. One is to ask them what they want in the relationship. This is not always the most effective method; however, because others may not know what’s most important to them. Another way is to observe their behaviors, and guess what the value that may be driving them to behave in certain ways. Remember, only guess strategy free values. You can use our free value sheet as a guide.

It is very likely that if you ask the other person what they want, they’ll tell you how they want you to change something. As discussed earlier, changing the other person is not the best way to make a relationship better. They just might not realize this yet. You can help get to their underlying values by doing a little digging on your own, and even telling them about the values that you have identified for yourself and how you learned to do that. Mutual satisfaction is the goal, and helping your relationship partner identify what they would like is one step you can take toward better relationship cooperation.

Four – Don’t Be too Hard on Yourself

Any relationship difficulty can leave a person feeling tremendous amounts of pain, self-doubt, or insecurity. Recognize these feelings in yourself, and remember that these uncomfortable feelings can be easily triggered by small things that happen.

When triggering events happen and you react in ways you don’t enjoy, remember to shift your focus of attention to what you are trying to accomplish. Keep in mind that you cannot change the past, and let yourself off the hook a little bit for things you may have done that you regret. Don’t assume that the past will predict the future. The future is the part you have the ability to change.

You need to avoid taking your own feelings personally, too. When you experience self-doubt, guilt, or insecurity, remember that everyone feels these things at some point. Identify the triggers that have you react rather than respond in a situation, and take the necessary steps to recharge yourself and get back to the positive place that you have worked so hard to develop.

It is important to be gentle with yourself during difficult times. Relationships can be very tricky, so give yourself some credit for attempting to make your relationships healthy and happier. Stay aligned with your values, and you will reap the rewards. We guarantee it!

Balancing Your Needs with the Needs of Others

Are you one of those people who constantly put your own needs at the bottom of the priority list? Do [tag-tec]other people’s needs[/tag-tec] always seem to be more important than your own? Though many of us try to put others first, but neglecting to address [tag-tec]our own needs[/tag-tec] is not good for us or those we are trying to serve.

Can you really get ahead in your [tag-tec]career[/tag-tec], your [tag-tec]relationships[/tag-tec], or take care of your [tag-tec]responsibilities[/tag-tec] to family and friends if you don’t take care of your own needs?

Impossible!

Be mindful of getting overly caught up in endless busywork and constantly attending to the needs of others. You need to take care of yourself too, which includes sleeping well, eating properly, exercising, relaxing, and making sure that you maintain a [tag-tec]healthy balance[/tag-tec] in your life.

If you’ve been neglecting yourself lately, now is the time to make some changes that will bring more [tag-tec]peace[/tag-tec], [tag-tec]harmony[/tag-tec], and [tag-tec]well-being[/tag-tec] into your life. To do this you must first identify exactly what is most important to you, figure out which of these things may be missing, and then focus your attention on bringing more of that into your life.

Once you move past the constant frenzy of taking care of the needs of others, you will start to find yourself on the path to [tag-tec]true happiness[/tag-tec].

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.” ~ Henry David [tag-tec]Thoreau[/tag-tec]

When we focus our attention on satisfying our own needs, we cannot help but grow. Living a [tag-tec]balanced life[/tag-tec] allows us to be more creative, more successful, and enjoy a life that is full of what we love. Having all of our needs met makes us much more effective in meeting others’ needs too.

How do you enhance the love in your life?

A friend recently asked us if we knew of a [tag-tec]relationship checklist[/tag-tec] she and her boyfriend could use as a guide for keeping their year-old [tag-tec]relationship[/tag-tec] on track as it continues to develop.

While there are a lot of lists out there that deal with how to determine if you have a [tag-tec]relationship in trouble[/tag-tec]–what you don’t want–we know of very few that focus on activities you can engage in that will help you [tag-tec]enhance your relationship[/tag-tec]–what you do want.

As you may know we are very fond of saying: What you focus your attention on grows.

Since we believe so strongly that this is true, we were happy to come across a [tag-tec]Relationship Checklist[/tag-tec] developed by Nicholas de Castella of the Institute of Heart Intelligence (www.eq.net.au).

We like it because it shows you [tag-tec]intimacy building activities[/tag-tec] that will get you more of what you do want in your [tag-tec]love relationship[/tag-tec]!

Here are the sections that offer [tag-tec]relationship advice[/tag-tec] for [tag-tec]enhancing the love in your relationship[/tag-tec]:

• [tag-tec]Have Fun Together[/tag-tec]
• [tag-tec]Maintain Individuality[/tag-tec]
• [tag-tec]Engage Fully[/tag-tec]
• [tag-tec]Spend Time Together[/tag-tec]
• [tag-tec]Speak Your Truth[/tag-tec]
• [tag-tec]Be Vulnerable[/tag-tec]
• [tag-tec]Honor Each Other[/tag-tec]
• [tag-tec]Be Responsible[/tag-tec]
• [tag-tec]Develop Trust[/tag-tec]
• [tag-tec]Enjoy Sex[/tag-tec]

Each section expands on the topic with some very nice insights and advice.

We found this [tag-tec]Relationship Advice Checklist[/tag-tec] online as a Google Doc.

You can take a look at it here:
http://bit.ly/jMeUh

😀

—-

Who is in charge of your life?

Does your [tag-tec]happiness[/tag-tec] ever seem outside of your control? Have you ever blamed your unhappiness on someone else? If  so,

Did this person make large amounts money for you, amass your debts, form your relationships with others, and develop the behavior and attitude you have right now? We think not!

But who did? Yes, we’re talking about YOU!

If you are sick and tired of feeling like a puppet on a string, try this. The next time you find yourself blaming outside circumstances for the quality of your life, try identifying where you’re responsible for actions you’ve taken that helped create the situation.

You can do it!

Taking responsibility may seem uncomfortable or even unsafe at first, but it’s not that hard, you can do it! Once you do, you can start creating new experiences–experiences that we can almost guarantee you’ll enjoy more. No blaming or judging others, no disconnection from the ones you love.

“All that a man achieves and all that he fails to achieve is the direct result of his own thoughts.”
~ James Allen

The first step is to notice when you find yourself in the middle of an undesirable situation. Use the experience to get a better understanding of what is important to you–figure out what’s missing in the experience that makes it less than comfortable. Then figure out what actions you can take to help you get those missing ingredients.

Save your time and energy–stop playing the blame game. Look at your past experiences and decide whether you want to do something to make this difference in your future, or not.

Try it this week. Once you’ve recognized something you want to change, take action. If you’d like a little more help figuring out how to do this, read our article:
How You Can Stop Being “Right” and Start Being Happy!