Knowing Yourself = Loving Yourself

Tag: Happiness,Personal Growth,Self EsteemBeth and Neill


Catherine asked us this question: “How can I continue to strive to regard myself as worthy of [tag-tec]unconditional love[/tag-tec] in a relationship, just as I am?”

She asked this because, in her words, “I have been in two long-term relationships that ended with me feeling used and taken for granted. I came out of them thinking that I must be doing something that gives the impression I am not worth making an effort for — that I am perceived as the one who meets needs without requiring any reciprocal effort to meet mine as well”

There are many ways we could answer this question, but we would like to address how  Catherine (or anyone for that matter) can start treating herself like she’s [tag-tec]worthy of unconditional love[/tag-tec].


Artwork by Rita Loyd

Which might cause you to ask, “Easy to say, but how can I do that”?

You can start with these three beginner’s steps to practicing [tag-tec]self-love[/tag-tec]. By applying these self-love techniques you will automatically start treating yourself as the valuable being that you inherently are.

What are You Thinking About?

Step One: Explore your thinking.

Whether you’re aware of it or not, it’s the thoughts you think that generate the way you feel about yourself. The way you feel about yourself influences the actions you take. And your actions generate everything you create in your life.

Most of us have been raised in cultures that teach us to focus on what’s happening outside of ourselves as being responsible for creating the situations in our lives. “If only they wouldn’t…” “If only it hadn’t…” “If only you would…”  “It wasn’t me. It’s two other guys…”

When you primarily focus on what’s going on “out there” it’s very challenging to really know what’s going on “in here”–to know yourself, and to understand what’s most important to you.

So, if something happens “out there” that you don’t enjoy, and all you know to do is try and change those external circumstance, you’re bound to feel bad. Why? Because without first changing your internal reactions it is much harder to effectively change your external circumstances. Or, as Einstein put it:

“Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.”

That is why we suggest you start the practice of exploring your internal thoughts as the first step to treating yourself as worthy of unconditional love. You will know which thoughts are important to explore by using your feelings as an alarm.

The next time you feel uncomfortable in any way, try to identify what you were thinking about just before you started feeling uncomfortable. Then use the next step to change this level of thinking.

Identify Your [tag-tec]Personal Core Values[/tag-tec]–Who You are at a Deep Level

Step Two: Identify what’s most important to you.

The quickest way to start giving yourself unconditional love is to get to know yourself well enough that you can appreciate who you are–even when you don’t like how you feel.

Shakespeare said it best when he wrote, “To thine own self be true.”

Discovering what’s most important to you–what you most deeply value–is the best way we know to discover who you truly are.

These [tag-tec]personal values[/tag-tec] are sometimes well hidden inside your every day feelings. The stronger your feelings–the more important the value is that they express.

In step one you identified what you were thinking about just before you started feeling uncomfortable. Now that you’ve interrupted the thought, ask yourself questions such as: “What is so important to me in this situation that I feel so strongly about?” “What is missing for me that is so important?”

For example, underneath a sense of deep sadness, you might discover caring and consideration are very important to you, and those things are missing in the situation at hand. Hidden within confusion could be a strong desire for understanding. Beneath frustration, you could discover that you want to be more effective.

When you can get under your feelings to what’s deeply important to you—you will start to notice wonderful qualities about yourself. So rather then being stuck in the negative thoughts and the feelings they generate,  you can discover “thine own self”–a valuable person you can easily learn to love.

Knowing YOU is Loving YOU

Step Three: Get to know your best friend.

Although at times you may feel very sad, frustrated or lonely, once you learn to stop yourself the very moment you begin feeling uncomfortable, and then identify what’s most important to you beneath your feelings, you’ll find that you can always be there for YOU. You can listen to what’s important to you. You can figure out ways to get more of whatever you deeply value that is missing in your life.

Using these self-love techniques you are guaranteed to find the best friend you’ve ever had and will be well on your way to mastering the art of self-love and acceptance.

Never Settle for Less Again

Now we’d like to get back to the other thing Catherine said: “I have been in two long-term relationships that ended with me feeling used and taken for granted. I came out of them thinking that I must do something that gives the impression I am not worth making an effort for – that I am perceived as the one who meets needs without requiring any reciprocal effort to meet mine as well.”

[tag-tec]Loving and accepting yourself[/tag-tec] is the first step to creating unconditional love in all your relationships. This will make it much easier to experience the mutual respect and consideration you desire.  With practice at interrupting negative thoughts, and then discovering what you really want, you’ll gain the confidence to ask  for what you want and know that you’re worth getting it.

Authentic Happiness – Means Learning to Love Yourself First

Tag: Happiness,Personal Growth,Self EsteemBeth and Neill

But what does that mean?


Every self help guru will tell you to “love yourself” or [tag-tec]practice “self-love” [/tag-tec]first before you can love others. Do you even really know what those terms mean? Perhaps sometimes you think you do, but how often at the very same time you don’t seem to like yourself much. Do you wonder how you can love what you don’t like?

Regardless of how you currently feel about yourself, continue reading and discover how to love yourself in ways that will bring much more [tag-tec]happiness[/tag-tec] and satisfaction into your life.

[tag-tec]Relationships[/tag-tec] should be filled with fun, closeness, caring, and happiness, right? We think so and we know that when you focus on these qualities you will experience much more of them in your relationships. But first, you must be able to see them in yourself. Whether you are single, married, or divorced, all your relationships will be improved when you truly know and love yourself for who you really are.

We will address three important steps that you can take to move toward self-love and mastering the art of happiness.

Step one: Examine how you think. So much of what we feel about ourselves is determined by what we think about our lives in general. From the time we are small children, our parents raise us to focus on “right” and “wrong.” This can lead to thinking that you might be “wrong” or there is something “wrong” with you. Examine your thoughts carefully. You can do this when you use your emotions as a warning. Each time you feel discomfort of any kind, do your best to discover what you were thinking just before you started feeling that way.

Step two: Find out what is most important to you. You will be amazed at the changes you can make in your life once you discover what is most important to you. By focusing your attention on the important things, you will quickly turn your life around and get closer to not only self-love, but authentic happiness. Often the things that are most important are hidden deep beneath our everyday negative feelings. After you have completed the first step and examined how you think, you can begin to take the next step and uncover your values. Identifying how you think and then identifying what is most important can help you channel your energies effectively toward making your life better.

Feelings of sadness, confusion, or anger are just covering up values that are missing in a situation. When you are feeling sad confused or angry it’s almost impossible to practice self-love. Identifying your undiscovered values can help you notice amazing parts of you that you can easily like and then learn to love.

For instance, beneath sadness, there is probably some sort of regret about losing hope in a dream. Underneath confusion is a desire for understanding. Within anger, there might be a need for caring.

Step three: When you truly know yourself, you’re never alone. Any time you find yourself lonely or feeling sorry for yourself, know that you can be your own best friend by remembering to stop, identifying what you value underneath your feelings, and take time to appreciate yourself–you are an amazing human being that values beautiful things. So start practicing these self-love techniques and get on your way to mastering the true art of happiness today.

Until next time…

With love,
Beth and Neill