Is Happiness Really a Choice?

Do you ever feel worried or anxious about the things that are going on in the world today? Are you feeling confused about whether you should even try to [tag-tec]be happy[/tag-tec] when there are people losing their jobs, their homes or even being killed in other parts of the world? If so, You are not alone

Many people find it very difficult to maintain a [tag-tec]positive, optimistic outlook[/tag-tec] on life when they’re constantly bombarded with news about how much suffering exists in the world. Some even express a sense of guilt about improving the quality of their own life while so many others are experiencing extreme hardships, traumatic loss, and crushing poverty.

This difficulty seems to be rooted in a sense of hopelessness about our ability to do anything to make a difference in the lives of other people who are so far removed from us. While we are deeply moved by the compassion people have for others, however, we believe the strategy of “sympathetic suffering” actually does more harm than good.

The Way to Happiness

The reality is that your ability to maintain your own happiness and[tag-tec] peace of mind [/tag-tec]in the midst of a troubled world is the best foundation you can have for making a real difference. And here’s why.

1. Because “Sympathetic Suffering” Feels Bad

When you read bad news in the newspaper, watch it on the evening news, or talk about it with your friends over coffee or in online chat forums, how do you feel?

If you focus on the idea that the world is falling apart and on the sadness and suffering of others, it’s hard not to feel worried, sad or even downright depressed. What–if anything–can you do when you feel so negative? Not much, that’s for sure. It’s okay to be happy!

2. Because Your Pain Servers No One

If you stopped breathing would there be more air for others? The same is true about your [tag-tec]happiness [/tag-tec]and peace of mind. Can you think of one time when you were sad, upset or angry about something, and feeling that way made a positive difference in someone else’s life? You can only give to others what you already have. It’s okay to be happy!

3. Because Your Happiness and Peace of Mind Can Actually Serve Others

Maintaining a happy, positive frame of mind allows you to be more effective at accomplishing the things that are important to you in your life. It helps you in your ability to serve others, and in serving others you can actually help make the world a better place. It’s okay to be happy!

4. Because Happiness Breeds Happiness

Sadness shared does not diminish the sadness, but happiness shared does multiply the happiness. Think about it. Remember, the last time you were with someone that was really happy. Didn’t you enjoy being with them? Wasn’t their happiness infectious? Why? At a very deep level, all of us want to be happy and are drawn to whatever encourages and supports our own happiness. It’s okay to be happy!

5. Because What You Focus Your Attention On Grows

When you consciously focus on being happy, you will find more happiness in your life–Guaranteed! This isn’t “magical thinking.” It is just the way our minds work. We can’t help but recognize and pay attention to those things that are similar to where we focus our attention. And if it is true that what we really want is to be happy, then focusing our attention on the activities and thoughts that contribute to our happiness is essential. It really is okay to be happy!

6. Because It Feels Better

This may not seem like a great reason to maintain your own happiness while people around you are suffering, but think about it, when do you get the most done? When do you make the biggest difference in your life and the lives of people around you? It’s when you feel good–when you’re positive–when you are upbeat–when you are happy. Isn’t it? You’re sadness, upset or dissatisfaction helps no one. Give yourself permission to be happy today.

7. Because When You’re Not in Action, You’re In Distraction

With as much as there is going on in the world these days it’s easy to be distracted from your goals and desires. If you’re like most people, when you’re distracted you end up moving around a lot but never getting much done.

The fastest way to make a big difference in your life, and the lives of people around you, is to begin taking actions that move you in the direction of what makes you feel good. And we believe what makes most of us feel the best is when we are living in harmony with what we value and contributing to others. So discover what you value most and take actions that are in harmony with those values. It’s okay to be happy!

8. Because You Say So

“If you think you can or if you think you can’t, either way you’re right.”

This famous quote by Henry Ford puts it in a nutshell. It speaks to the very essence of why it’s true: if you say it’s so–it is so.

Our thinking can be one of the most fundamental limitations on our ability to be happy–or to be anything else for that matter. Say it out loud–It’s okay for me to be happy!

9. Because It’s Who You Are

We are born from the essence of pure joy; it is our nature to be happy. But somewhere along the line we learn to believe that we must earn the right to be happy–we must be deserving of happiness.

“Each of us, every person, regardless of wealth, status, age, or religion is given everything we need to be happy and fulfilled. The greatest lie in our culture is the one that says you are broken, incomplete and need something outside to give you happiness.” ~Gurucharan Singh Khalsa, Ph.D.

Happiness is our birthright, it is our nature, it is who we are.

10. Because You Can Make a Difference

If you can learn to maintain your personal happiness, regardless of your circumstances, you actually can make a real difference. If the world seems to be falling apart around you and you believe you can’t make any difference at all, then how else would you expect to feel but miserable? And what can you contribute when you’re feeling miserable?

Give up the idea that you–one lone person–can’t make a difference. It’s not true. Just because there are so many things you can’t do anything about, doesn’t mean there aren’t just as many things you can do something about.

Get connected to what means the most to you–what you deeply value. Find ways to experience those values in your life and also when contributing to others. When you do, you will experience making a difference. It’s not just okay to be happy; it’s the best frame of mind for making a difference.

So the next time you feel hopeless about your ability to do anything that could make a difference in the lives of other people who are so far removed from you, remember your suffering helps no one and may be keeping you paralyzed–unable to do anything to support anyone, including yourself.

Don’t Worry, Be Happy

Hopefully you now see how maintaining your own happiness and peace of mind in these troubled times is the best foundation for making a real difference in your life and the lives of those around you.

With much love,
Beth and Neill

Want a Happier More Fulfilling Life?

We’re always on the lookout for ideas about how to live a[tag-tec] happier more fulfilling life [/tag-tec] and what we’ve noticed is that life lessons can come from the most curious places.

Recently, ours neighbors adopted a new puppy. He is the cutest little thing. If you pay attention, dogs can teach you profound[tag-tec] life lessons[/tag-tec] –in addition to the wonderful benefits you would usually expect, like being a loving companion.

What Can Miles Teach You?

Miles is one of the most precocious puppies that we’ve ever known. He’s a beautiful black lab mix with tons of spunky energy. By watching Miles closely, we have learned two important lessons.

The first lesson we have learn from Miles is: Ask for what you want. Too often we find ourselves doing things on our own, even if we could have gotten help from someone else. How many times have you just done something yourself rather than ask if someone is willing to help you? Someone might be very willing to give you what you want.

Miles never seems to hesitate to ask for what he needs, when he needs it. It doesn’t matter if he’s hungry, wants to play, or needs to go outside, he just asks and then he gets what he wants. We do our best to be like Miles. We have even created a habit of asking for least one thing a day–it helps us practice this lesson.

Why is it So Easy for Miles?

The second lesson: As we tried to understand why it is so easy for Miles and so difficult for many people to ask for what we want. We have settled on two important reasons for this difference:

1 – Miles is not worried that he’ll hear the dreaded word “NO.” He simply has no fear at all about this. Funny, but even when he does hear “no,” he seems sure that if he only asks a couple more times, he will eventually get a yes.

On those really rare occasions when he does hear “no” as a final answer, he is able to walk away and move on to the next important activity in his day, without giving it a second thought.

2 – The other important difference between us and Miles is that he doesn’t spend any time worrying about whether he is bothering anyone or what the other person thinks of him for asking. Miles has no investment in other people’s reactions, and he takes on no responsibility for their feelings. If someone doesn’t want to do what he wants, it’s really no big deal. He moves on, without worrying about that person’s opinion of him.

Miles certainly has not spent a lot of time delving into these ideas about himself and others, nor does he seem to have opinions about it one way or another. But, even without having an opinion, he has taught us something critical–ask for what you want, you might just get it. And you’re definitely no worse off than you were before you asked.

Try It Yourself: Ask for What You Want

If at least once every day you can identify one thing you want, and then ask for it, you will find that there are many times you will get exactly what we want. This is a simple way to achieve more than you could on your own, and the perfect way to put into practice the lessons learned from Miles.  If hearing “no” is the worst thing that can happen, why wait.  Start today and, ask away!

So what do you think, can you learn life lessons from a dog? We’d love to hear from you! Let us know by leaving a comment or joining Google friends connect and staying in touch.

until next time, with love,

Beth and Neill

We just received this comment from a school counselor registered for our Weekly Tips eMail Series about the message titled If Only I Had More Self Esteem.  She had read the book, Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn, and wrote asking, “He too is against punishments and rewards. Would you be able to go into more detail as to how it affects our beliefs about ourselves?”

Just as in dog training, when we were young, and we did something an adult enjoyed, we heard words like this: “What a good boy (or good girl) you are.” When we did what we were asked we were rewarded. When we went against what we were asked to do, we were punished.

This was repeated over and over each day. Each time we did something “good” we were rewarded and each time we did something “bad” we were punished. Soon we turned into scared little boys and girls, afraid of being punished and also afraid of not receiving the praise and rewards.

Being “domesticated” becomes a way of life. As we grow, our domestication no longer requires any outside influence. Our parents, our schools, and our churches no longer need to domesticate us. We learned our lesson and are very well trained. We are now auto-domesticating.

We continue the domestication process by punishing ourselves when we don’t follow the social rules we were taught. We say things like: “how stupid,” and “I should’ve known better than that, what an idiot I am.” We also continue to reward ourselves if we are “good boys” and “good girls.”

We are now well-equipped to continue our traditions and train our own children to become auto-domesticated animals.

Are there relationships in your life that aren’t going the way you want them to? Are you trying your best but things don’t seem to change? If so… Relationship intelligence includes knowing exactly what you want, and then knowing how to create a conscious intention that will help you get it.

Do Intentions Really Affect Your Relationships?

The short answer is yes! Intentions are a simple yet powerful tool that you can use to set your desires in motion.

You might want a more peaceful and harmonious relationship with one of your parents. Maybe you want to create more connection and trust with someone you love. Perhaps you crave a more supportive relationship with your boss; or maybe, after work, you want more fun and connection with friends. You can create an intention for any relationship that you would like to improve.

But What Are Conscious Intentions?

Whether or not you are aware of it, you have an intention every time you interact with someone. Even an unconscious intention can be sensed by others, and if they sense that you are dissatisfied with the relationship, they will often take this personally and interpret whatever you do as criticism.

Unfortunately, when this happens it creates more problems, the opposite of what you actually want–a better relationship.

If you’re dissatisfied with any relationship in your life, we suggest that–before you spend another moment with that person–you create a conscious intention for your relationship.

Relationship Intelligence Starts with You

Decide what qualities you want in the relationship, and then use these qualities to create your conscious intention. Use positive language to word your intention.

Here are some examples: “I intend to have more fun and adventure with my spouse,” or “I intend to create a relationship based on connecting and having fun with my sister.”

Don’t write an intention about what you don’t want, or use negative or pessimistic language. Avoid sentences like, “I don’t want my mother to nag me anymore.”

Notice that conscious intentions are expressed as values, or qualities of life. Since what you focus your attention on grows, if you spend a few minutes every day reading your intentions out loud, they are more likely to happen.

Do Intentions Really Work?

Try them out and see! Pick a few relationships in your life where you would like to see improvement. Then write down the qualities you want to experience with that person. Begin with the words, “I intend….” Make sure you express what you want in positive language.

Every day, take a few minutes to read your intentions out loud, and then notice how your relationships begin to change for the better.

As we so often say… the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

With love,
Beth and Neill

Is Low Self-Esteem Holding You Back?

Do you sometimes worry you’ll never be “good enough” to achieve your goals? If so, you’re not alone. Low self-esteem often prevents people from realizing their dreams. The first step in overcoming this is discovery what prevents you from having high enough self-esteem in the first place.

In our work, we’ve found that our self-esteem results in a large part from having grown up in a culture that uses a system of punishments and rewards to get us to “behave.” Growing up in this culture causes many people to develop certain limiting beliefs about themselves–beliefs that negatively impact their self-esteem.

What We Focus Our Attention on Grows

This happens because these beliefs create habits in the way we focus our attention on ourselves and on our circumstances. And the simple truth is that what we focus our attention on we become more and more aware of in our lives.

Have you ever wanted a new car? Did you notice that as soon as you decided on just the perfect make and model you started noticing that particular car everywhere? This occurs because our brain is hardwired for pattern recognition. As soon as we start to recognize a particular pattern as important to us, we start seeing that pattern everywhere.

This works just the same way when you focus your attention on beliefs about yourself. If you believe you’re not good enough to achieve your desires and goals, then you’ll notice “not being good enough” everywhere you look.

We find these beliefs are the primary cause of low self-esteem. They drastically limit your choices about how you see yourself and the world around you. And just as importantly, how you believe others see you.

The First Step on the Path to Higher Self-Esteem

The sooner you begin noticing these limiting beliefs, the sooner you can start choosing where you prefer to focus your attention, and the sooner you can start consciously choosing what you want to create in your life.

“You have the power in the present moment to change limiting beliefs and consciously plant the seeds for the future of your choosing. As you change your mind, you change your experience.”
~Serge Kahili King

So, if you find that you are not enjoying what’s happening around you, notice what you’re thinking. Then try to determine what beliefs are causing that thinking by asking yourself this question: “Do I have a limiting belief that prevents me from feeling more confident and hopeful in this moment?”

If the answer is yes, then find at least one thing you enjoy about yourself or how you might be able to respond in the situation, and focus your attention on that. Because what you focus your attention on will grow.

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

With commitment to your success,
Beth and Neill