Is “Expert Advice” Driving You Crazy?

We received a question from one of our community members.

She’d read Dr. Kevin Leman’s [tag-tec]relationship advice [/tag-tec] that opposes[tag-tec] dating after being widowed or divorced [/tag-tec] until your youngest child is at least 18 years-old, and better yet, when they are 21 or 22 and the nest is empty.

Now, this is a youthful, 50-ish woman with children far from leaving the nest, so this would mean a very long wait for her.

After reading Leman’s opinion she became very discouraged and asked if we agreed that she should wait years before seeking companionship. What is a healthy person supposed to do when they long for companionship and the “expert” says forget about it?

Our Thoughts on the Matter

As soon as we read this we knew this blog post was needed. It’s not uncommon for people to wonder what to do when an expert’s opinion seems so at odds with their own. We’ve run into this before in relation to the advice of other experts–and our answer is always the same.

One saying we love is: The shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice. But you can’t make conscious choices–even about what you hear from the experts–unless you’re very clear about what’s deeply important to YOU.

Opinions Are Like Armpits

Why? Everyone has more than one and they tend to stink if you’re not careful with them.

What we mean by being careful with your opinions is that you are conscious of them, how you’ve come to hold them as true for you, and whether or not they serve you and others in your life.

Everyone has lots of opinions, and we all generate new ones all the time. We are opinion generating machines!

Every expert focuses on particular areas that are very important to them–areas they care about deeply. This has them come up with specific strategies to help themselves and others experience what is important to them about these areas.

Dr. Leman must deeply values particular things that caused him to come up with the strategy: Don’t date after the loss of the mate until the youngest child is at least 18.

This strategy may work great for you–or it may not work for you at all. But you can’t know whether it might work for you unless you know what you hope to create in life at a core level, both with your children and with an intimate companion.

Once you understand this, there may be many other strategies that will allow you to experience what’s important to you that don’t prevent you from dating.

So What Is “Our Opinion”?

Our opinion is that you are your own highest authority. You are best served by looking within to discover what you value most about each aspect of this rather complicated situation. One way to do this is to work through one of our free Values Exercise worksheet. You can find it at:
http://www.focusedattention.com/store/thank-you/free_Values_Exercise_registration.htm

In this case we would suggest that you do a separate Values Worksheet for each aspect of the situation that’s important to you: your relationship with each child, what you hope for from an intimate relationship, etc. Then read our special report about creating conscious intentions. To find it go to:
http://www.focusedattention.com/eZine/FAI-eZine0905_Unconscious_Intentions_Running_Your_Life.htm

Then, while keeping all of the various opinions and advice you’ve received in mind, choose which strategies would work best to help you experience what you value most. After doing this, it may turn out that Dr. Leman’s approach would work best for you, or you may come up with strategies that seem more appropriate for what you want to create in your life.

But you can’t know for sure until you hear from the most important expert–YOU!

Trust yourself. You are your own best expert. The rest of us are only here to support, suggest, and offer our ideas and strategies. The rest is up to you–and that’s the good news. 🙂

With much love and respect for who you are,
Beth and Neill

Everybody feels the affects of stress, and most people are often searching for ways to find stress relief. Finding [tag-tec]happiness [/tag-tec]and eliminating stress has many benefits, including physical, emotional, and mental benefits. A healthy lifestyle is one that helps a person manage stress effectively.[tag-tec] Happiness is a choice[/tag-tec], and many people just don’t realize this. Recognizing any unhealthy thought patterns and changing them can have remarkable effects on your life.

Do Your Pets Make You Feel Happier?

Interestingly enough, the population of pets in America is almost double the population of people in the country. Estimates suggest there are nearly 400 million pets owned by Americans. Owning a pet is considered a terrific way to reduce stress; there are many physical and mental health benefits to the companionship of a loving pet. Having a pet can lower blood pressure, improve cholesterol levels, and make a person more relaxed, happier and healthy overall.

However…..there are some pets that are not as good for you…..

What Kind Of Pets Do NOT Make Good Companions?

Did you know owning certain kinds of pets can actually harm you? These pets can harm you mentally as well as physically, and are usually not recommended as good way to relieve stress. Any pet that can cause pain or stress is probably one to be avoided. Right?

People just don’t generally keep pets when they are dangerous. Having a pet porcupine is not something that is very common. There are plenty of reasons for this, beginning with the fact that you can’t cuddle up and enjoy the companionship of a porcupine. Most people prefer pets that are cuddly and soft, or playful, or offer some degree of love in return for the love and care you provide.

There is one kind of dangerous pet that most people keep at least one of. Wondering what type of pet that is? Your pet peeves.

Most people have at least one of these pets, and some people seem to have tons of them. These are the kinds of pets that cause us tremendous harm-whether we are having peeves about taxes, waiting in line, slow drivers, loud children, neighborhood functions, or whatever we can come up with. Pet peeves cost us energy and happiness, regardless of the breed.

How Much Do Your Pet Peeves Cost You?

Pet peeves are expensive to maintain. It’s the kind of pet that the more attention you pay to it, the worse it becomes. You will become more upset and angry with every bit of energy you devote to your pet peeve.

It seems so simple, to just let those pet peeves go and release some of the pain and frustration that they cause. Keeping that pet peeve close by means you are complaining more about whatever it is that is bugging you, and that just cannot lead to good things in your life.

Where Does Complaining Get You?

Complaining just doesn’t really get you anywhere. It’s like blowing dust off of a table, it has to land somewhere and you will just have to clean it up again later.

When you focus your attention on complaining, you will notice what’s annoying you more and more. It has been said that a pet peeve is merely an opportunity to complain that is seldom missed. This is really a way to actively seek unhappiness.

Focusing on pet peeves does not make them go away. In fact, usually complaining about them only makes them bigger and more irritating. Complaining about slow drivers then leads to complaining about slow cashiers and then leads to complaining about long waits in your doctor’s office. Focusing your attention on one pet peeve only serves to bring out more and make them all more magnified and pronounced. This is not a good experience for anyone-not for you or for your listeners.

Complaining about your pet peeves might seem like a good way to vent your frustrations, but it will be unlikely to leave you feeling more peaceful or relieved. It is the kind of complaining that doesn’t get anything done-complaining about a long wait in a cashier’s line doesn’t make it any shorter.

Let Them Go… Let Them Go…

“Some people seem to go through life standing at the complaint counter.” ~ Fred Propp Jr.

Letting go of your pet peeves, setting them free to live on their own in the wild, if you will, is not done so that the pets will be happier. Those kinds of pets will never be happy anyway. Letting them go is a necessary action so that we can be happier. Anyone that has let go of their pet peeves will vouch for this.

People want to[tag-tec] be happy[/tag-tec], though, even if pet peeves don’t. Committing yourself to a happy life and working toward experiencing more happiness is an active process that takes conscious effort on your part. But that effort is definitely worthwhile.

But How Do You Set Them Free?

Wondering what the fastest and easiest way is to set your pet peeves free and find more peace and happiness in your life? Work on focusing your attention on the positive things. Experience gratitude. Enjoy your life. Perhaps this sounds overly simplified, and it might be easier said than done-at least at the beginning. But once you get going toward happiness, the process feeds itself and you will become happier and happier, the more you focus on that.

Happiness Breeds Happiness

Stop allowing your pet peeves to take up any more of your precious time. Focus on developing what you enjoy, and focus on the steps you are taking toward happiness. You have emotional reserves, like a bank account, and you need to keep some currency in this account. Every positive event you experience, every piece of happiness, needs to be deposited into this “account” so that you can draw from this instead of focusing any attention on your pet peeves.

Don’t allow any pet peeves to make withdrawals from this emotional bank account.
Any time you feel frustrated by one of your pet peeves, take a moment to focus your attention on something more positive. Turn that energy into thanks and gratitude for something good you have in your life.

Whatever you choose to focus your attention on is what will grow. Make sure that you take the time to focus on the positives, and let those pet peeves be set free once and for all. Pet peeves are truly not the kind of pets that anyone wants-most pets provide comfort, joy, and companionship, and pet peeve only bring irritation and frustration.

Happiness really is a choice that you can make for yourself. Remember to keep your bank filled with thanks, instead of complaints. And the next time you’re looking to adopt a pet, make sure it’s the soft cuddly kind.

Overcoming one of the biggest co-parenting issues

Are you [tag-tec]Co Parents [/tag-tec] of  kids that are stuck in the middle of the blame game you’re playing with your ex? Are you both still fighting about things that caused you to split in the first place? Read on to discover co-parenting skills for raising your kids together with much less frustration and stress, and a whole lot more peaceful agreement making.

Co-Parenting Happy, Confident Kids in Five Do-Able Steps

Check out these five easy steps that will have your entire, post-divorce family thriving! Although these steps seem simple, they demand dedication and perseverance. But we all know that your kids are always worth it. So read the steps below and discover how you can mend the past and secure the future happiness for your entire family.

Step One: Getting Clear on your Intention

Many divorced parents are unclear about their intentions as they pertain to their co-parenting situation, and you probably are too. So, the first thing you must learn is the important distinction between an intention and a strategy.

Our definition of intention is a deeply held value you have, expressed as a vision, for a specific part of your life. A strategy is a plan of action that will foster your vision.

If you don’t know the difference between these two, you might find yourself struggling to make agreements because you’re stuck on your strategies. Focusing on strategies usually leads to frustration and definitely limits your possibilities.

One strategy = One opportunity

As an example, you may have chosen to make Friday nights your family bowling night where each member of your family is required to attend. Do you remember why you started this practice in the first place? What was your intention? You may have wanted to provide a consistent, enjoyable way for your family members to spend time with one another.

What you may not realize is that if you’re open, there are many ways to get what you really want. Clarifying your intention, gives you the opportunity to choose from all the available options.

The most important place to begin is to develop a detailed mental image (your vision) that matches your most deeply held values as they relate to your co-parenting situation. This is what you’d most like to experience in this particular situation.

Step Two: Sharing your Vision

Do you know what your co-parent’s intentions are? Once you’re clear on what you want, meet up with your co-parent. It’s critical that you communicate and share your visions with each other so that you can work effectively together. Keep sharing your visions with each other until you are both just as clear on their vision as you are on your own.

Keep in mind that this is only vision sharing time, not strategy planning time. Strategies are critical to getting the life you want, but they will only distract from this part of the discussion, so hold off until later.

Once you and your ex are clear on what each other values, move on to creating a shared intention. Start with baby steps and work from there.

Obviously, it should not be hard for you and your ex to agree that you both want what’s best for your kids–joy, safety, good health, etc. Make a list of all the items you can both agree upon without difficulty.

After that you can begin discussing ideas like family bowling night, but be careful only to suggest these things as tools to achieve your shared values. Continue to build that list of values you both want for your kids until you both say something like, “Wow, I would be so thrilled if we created a life like this for our kids!” That’s when you know you have created a solid list to ensure your children’s happiness and health.

Sharing your vision and creating a shared platform will set the tone for trouble-free discussion, great results, and fulfillment for all parties involved.

Step Three: Negotiate

Is it your intention to settle for nothing less than what is right for your kids, yourself, and your co-parent? Are you committed to negotiating until you can both be happy with your decisions? Are you aware of the difference between negotiation and compromise? This is another important thing to be aware of when working toward a shared vision.

Here’s how the compromise process works: First, find out what all parties want. Next, discover which member(s) are willing to give up part or all of what they want to benefit the group. This is a solution that leaves many members unsatisfied at the end of the process.

The basis of compromise is the mindset that there is a shortage; it’s impossible for everyone to get what they want, and therefore members must cut back on their wants and settle for less.

However, when you negotiate, you find what each person values. As you uncover what is lacking in the scenario, you then begin to determine what’s been keeping you from getting what you value. In focusing on solving this issue, you begin moving toward a solution that will give everyone what they want.

When negotiating, our mindset is focused on abundance and the belief that there is plenty to go around; it’s just a matter of coming up with enough ideas to find some that everyone will be satisfied with.

When we set our minds on the fact that there is enough to go around, that everyone can be happy, we have what is necessary to see it through to a successful end. Always have the unwavering belief that your children will be happy, secure, and be cared for; that what you value for them will indeed become a reality.

Step Four: Build Strong Agreements

The negotiating process has now ended and you’ve come to an agreement, but what is the agreement? Is everyone clear on specifically what they are to do and exactly what they will be getting? It’s common to think you’ve come to an agreement when in actuality there are a lot of details still to be worked out. You need a strong agreement in order to get successful results.

Strong agreements are all about details; they specifically say who will do what and how things will get accomplished. They are clear about who will get what and when they will get it. Strong agreements come about only when each person or party has made a clear commitment to the agreement.

When someone is resistant to the agreement, they are simply expressing the lack of their value in the plan. Go back to your shared vision and intention and make sure you go through negotiation again, this time finding a strategy that doesn’t leave out anyone’s values.

Strength is apparent in agreements where joyfulness is expressed. When people see that their values are being supported within the agreement, they will find joy in committing to the plan.

Step Five: Establish a System to Check Accountability

Sometimes, results do not come to fruition and members get frustrated, even resentful. The best way to know if your agreements are effective is to establish accountability with each member. By doing this early on, and checking back to make sure it is in fact working, you avoid the hurtful feelings that can come when things don’t pan out.

Establishing accountability means scheduling specific times to check in and make sure your agreements are producing the results you want. It’s important during this stage to communicate with each other to ensure progress and to make any changes necessary. Accountability also generates a trusting relationship with your ex–when you see each other following through, you are each more likely to trust the other person in the future.

Meeting regularly to ensure accountability will help you cover all 5 Steps to Successful Co-Parenting:

1. Is your Intention still the focus?
2. Do all members continue to Share a Vision?
3. Does the Negotiation process need to continue?
4. Do new, or stronger, Agreements need to be built?
5. Do you have a plan that will guarantee future Accountability?

Co-parenting after divorce almost guarantees that there will be more disputes and references to old ones; there’s a good chance you’ll have more stress and emotion to deal with. However, there is a way to make it work for everyone.

When you make your intention clear, you focus your attention on that which you value. And when you uncover the values of everyone involved, you open the door to mutual satisfaction and a joyful atmosphere for all.

By focusing your attention and committing to your agreements, successful co-parenting is possible–and your children will grow healthy and strong in a positive environment.

Is Happiness Really a Choice?

Do you ever feel worried or anxious about the things that are going on in the world today? Are you feeling confused about whether you should even try to [tag-tec]be happy[/tag-tec] when there are people losing their jobs, their homes or even being killed in other parts of the world? If so, You are not alone

Many people find it very difficult to maintain a [tag-tec]positive, optimistic outlook[/tag-tec] on life when they’re constantly bombarded with news about how much suffering exists in the world. Some even express a sense of guilt about improving the quality of their own life while so many others are experiencing extreme hardships, traumatic loss, and crushing poverty.

This difficulty seems to be rooted in a sense of hopelessness about our ability to do anything to make a difference in the lives of other people who are so far removed from us. While we are deeply moved by the compassion people have for others, however, we believe the strategy of “sympathetic suffering” actually does more harm than good.

The Way to Happiness

The reality is that your ability to maintain your own happiness and[tag-tec] peace of mind [/tag-tec]in the midst of a troubled world is the best foundation you can have for making a real difference. And here’s why.

1. Because “Sympathetic Suffering” Feels Bad

When you read bad news in the newspaper, watch it on the evening news, or talk about it with your friends over coffee or in online chat forums, how do you feel?

If you focus on the idea that the world is falling apart and on the sadness and suffering of others, it’s hard not to feel worried, sad or even downright depressed. What–if anything–can you do when you feel so negative? Not much, that’s for sure. It’s okay to be happy!

2. Because Your Pain Servers No One

If you stopped breathing would there be more air for others? The same is true about your [tag-tec]happiness [/tag-tec]and peace of mind. Can you think of one time when you were sad, upset or angry about something, and feeling that way made a positive difference in someone else’s life? You can only give to others what you already have. It’s okay to be happy!

3. Because Your Happiness and Peace of Mind Can Actually Serve Others

Maintaining a happy, positive frame of mind allows you to be more effective at accomplishing the things that are important to you in your life. It helps you in your ability to serve others, and in serving others you can actually help make the world a better place. It’s okay to be happy!

4. Because Happiness Breeds Happiness

Sadness shared does not diminish the sadness, but happiness shared does multiply the happiness. Think about it. Remember, the last time you were with someone that was really happy. Didn’t you enjoy being with them? Wasn’t their happiness infectious? Why? At a very deep level, all of us want to be happy and are drawn to whatever encourages and supports our own happiness. It’s okay to be happy!

5. Because What You Focus Your Attention On Grows

When you consciously focus on being happy, you will find more happiness in your life–Guaranteed! This isn’t “magical thinking.” It is just the way our minds work. We can’t help but recognize and pay attention to those things that are similar to where we focus our attention. And if it is true that what we really want is to be happy, then focusing our attention on the activities and thoughts that contribute to our happiness is essential. It really is okay to be happy!

6. Because It Feels Better

This may not seem like a great reason to maintain your own happiness while people around you are suffering, but think about it, when do you get the most done? When do you make the biggest difference in your life and the lives of people around you? It’s when you feel good–when you’re positive–when you are upbeat–when you are happy. Isn’t it? You’re sadness, upset or dissatisfaction helps no one. Give yourself permission to be happy today.

7. Because When You’re Not in Action, You’re In Distraction

With as much as there is going on in the world these days it’s easy to be distracted from your goals and desires. If you’re like most people, when you’re distracted you end up moving around a lot but never getting much done.

The fastest way to make a big difference in your life, and the lives of people around you, is to begin taking actions that move you in the direction of what makes you feel good. And we believe what makes most of us feel the best is when we are living in harmony with what we value and contributing to others. So discover what you value most and take actions that are in harmony with those values. It’s okay to be happy!

8. Because You Say So

“If you think you can or if you think you can’t, either way you’re right.”

This famous quote by Henry Ford puts it in a nutshell. It speaks to the very essence of why it’s true: if you say it’s so–it is so.

Our thinking can be one of the most fundamental limitations on our ability to be happy–or to be anything else for that matter. Say it out loud–It’s okay for me to be happy!

9. Because It’s Who You Are

We are born from the essence of pure joy; it is our nature to be happy. But somewhere along the line we learn to believe that we must earn the right to be happy–we must be deserving of happiness.

“Each of us, every person, regardless of wealth, status, age, or religion is given everything we need to be happy and fulfilled. The greatest lie in our culture is the one that says you are broken, incomplete and need something outside to give you happiness.” ~Gurucharan Singh Khalsa, Ph.D.

Happiness is our birthright, it is our nature, it is who we are.

10. Because You Can Make a Difference

If you can learn to maintain your personal happiness, regardless of your circumstances, you actually can make a real difference. If the world seems to be falling apart around you and you believe you can’t make any difference at all, then how else would you expect to feel but miserable? And what can you contribute when you’re feeling miserable?

Give up the idea that you–one lone person–can’t make a difference. It’s not true. Just because there are so many things you can’t do anything about, doesn’t mean there aren’t just as many things you can do something about.

Get connected to what means the most to you–what you deeply value. Find ways to experience those values in your life and also when contributing to others. When you do, you will experience making a difference. It’s not just okay to be happy; it’s the best frame of mind for making a difference.

So the next time you feel hopeless about your ability to do anything that could make a difference in the lives of other people who are so far removed from you, remember your suffering helps no one and may be keeping you paralyzed–unable to do anything to support anyone, including yourself.

Don’t Worry, Be Happy

Hopefully you now see how maintaining your own happiness and peace of mind in these troubled times is the best foundation for making a real difference in your life and the lives of those around you.

With much love,
Beth and Neill

Is Feeling Worried and Being Stressed-Out Tying You in Knots?

Do you lie awake at night, worrying? Does the stress of the day seem to weigh you down and control your mood, your decisions, and your life? If so, surely the amount of stress you deal with is taking its toll on you and those around you, keeping you from living the happy life you deserve. You can start to change this right now by determining the root causes of your stress. This is the first step in down the path to living a more relaxed peaceful life.

Root Cause = Fear of What’s to Come

Being afraid of what could happen in the future is a big stressor for a lot of people. You may be stressed over something as small as whether you remembered to set the timer on the coffee maker for the next morning or over an issue as important as whether peace will ever come to the Middle East.

“When I look back on all these worries I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.” ~Winston Churchill

Every time you stress over something that could possibly happen, or may never happen at all, you let future fear get the best of you. Here are a few red flag phrases you may hear in your head:

• “Do I have enough… savings to survive if I’m laid off at work?”

• “What if… she turns me down?”

• “Is that the right… doctor for my mother?”

• “How will… my children be affected by climate change?”

These thoughts may even be inhibiting your normal sleep pattern, which in turn will cause you more stress. You may soon find yourself in a worrisome cycle where lack of sleep feeds off existing stress, and new stress feeds off lack of sleep.

Root Cause = ‘Shoulda Coulda Woulda’

Another big stress provoker is concentrating on past mistakes. When you can’t forgive yourself for things that have happened in the past, you only fuel your stress.

• “I should have… studied more for that test.”

• “I could have… done something to help.”

• “I would have been… in a better position to pay for my kids’ college if only…”

Of course, a person may have some normal regret about things they would have like to have had happened differently in the past. But, beware of falling into a worry cycle.

How to tell if You’re Caught in the Worry Cycle

Worrying about the past or the future (or both) can throw you into a worry cycle, and thoughts like those above are what will keep you there; they are the underlying source of your stress. When you’re caught in the worry cycle, you quickly become susceptible to anxiety, depression, confusion, and sadness. Stress can overtake your life at this point and you may even become worried about your constant state of worry.
As we said before, it is perfectly normal to think about the future or wish you could take back or change some things in the past; however, it becomes unhealthy when you find yourself thinking about the same subject over and over, and when you feel so strongly about that subject that it affects your mood and even your relationships.
It’s very hard to be happy when you begin to fall into a worry cycle. So be aware that anytime you start to feel uncomfortable and find yourself thinking about something over and over again the cycle has probably begun.

Setting Yourself Free From the Worry Cycle

Just as with any pattern or habit, it will be difficult to break the worry cycle. This is because worrying has become familiar to you at this point and it probably starts without you even being aware you’re doing it. Fortunately, we have some effective strategies that will help you kick this stressful habit forever.

These next three steps will help you create a new habit that will diminish your stress levels almost immediately:

Step One: Be aware of your feelings. Our feelings are indicators of how well our actions are corresponding with what we value. When we feel stressed, scared, sad, or any other related feelings, our emotions signal to us that something we value is lacking in our lives. Learn what these signals feel like so you can correct the situation before you fall into a worry cycle.

Step Two: Find out what you value. In step one, you learned to be aware of your feelings so you’ll know when something you value is lacking. In order to correct the situation, you must know what that value is so you can satisfy it.

Step Three: Do something! You always have options for taking action in a situation. When you take an active role in the situation, you will feel more in control and you’ll have less time to stress.

Determining the root cause of your stress and following these simple steps will support you in taking back control of your mood, your decisions, and your life. Congratulations, you’re well on your way to living a more relaxed and peaceful life.

with love,
Beth and Neill