A Preference, not a Judgment

In my last post I went off a little bit on “moralistic dogmatism” and I’d like to make sure that you were left with the wrong impression. You see, I’m not against moralistic dogmatism. I just found that moralistic dogmatism didn’t seem to work very well as a tool for creating the kind of life or the kind of world I want to experience.

Coming of age in the late 60s I found myself drawn to the anti-this an anti-that movements. It made sense to me to be against war, poverty, the military-industrial complex, fascism, and well, all of those things that me and my buddies were so righteously indignant about.

What You Focus Your Attention on Grows

It took me a little while, and reading a number of books, to get the idea that “what you resist persists.” But one thing that really helped this hit home was when I heard a guy named Marshall Rosenberg sing a song about how “you can’t do it don’t.”

I started listening for how often people express themselves in the negative: what they don’t want, what they’re against, what they don’t like, what they want to make stop, etc.

To put a fine point on it, Rosenberg then tells a story about a woman who’s tired of spending nights home alone while the husband works late. So she screws up her courage and tells him in her best ultimatum voice, “I don’t want you staying so late at the office!” So what does he do? He joins a bowling league.

That’s the problem with having your attention focused on what you don’t want. If you’re not clear about what you do want, it leaves the door wide open for other things that you don’t want to wander in.

Now, one of the things I’ve figured out along the way is that people are totally self-serving. That’s not a judgment, it’s actually a result of our genetic coding to make sure that we get everything we need to survive, thrive, and multiply. And doesn’t it make sense that that’s more likely to happen if you are moving toward what you do want rather than pushing against what you don’t?

Be For What You Want and Against Nothing

So at this point I’m “for” being “for,” but not “against” being “against.” I find that every time I start to react to something that I don’t like or don’t want, the faster I can get clear about what I do want instead, the easier it is for me to get it, and the more fun I have in the process.

This practice, turning my don’t want to do once, has allowed me to hone in on picking which things I am going to “test” to see whether or not they are something I’d like to “hold to firmly.” And I’m finding more and more things that I like all the time.

Committed to Your Success,

Neill Gibson

Seven Steps that Rebuild Intimacy – A Seven Part Series

Here’s Step 7. If you missed the beginning of the series, click here: Rebuild Intimacy – Part One

Step 7: Celebrate and Renegotiate.

Okay, so far you have:
• Created a Safe Space for your Open Dialogue
• Commit to the Discovery Process
• Create a Mutual Intention
• Each started asking For What You Want
• Made agreements about who’s willing to do what and when

Now what you need to know is that either what you’ve agreed to will happen or it won’t.

This is just the truth of making agreements. The typical tendency is to get upset when an agreement isn’t kept. We have a different much more satisfying option.

We suggest, each time someone keeps an agreement, that everyone immediately acknowledge and celebrate this wonderful contribution to your relationship.

However, when some agreements aren’t kept–and some agreements are bound not to be kept–this is also cause for celebration, not the wringing of hands.

Why? Because all it means is that you weren’t as clear as you needed to be to make a successful agreement and all there is to do is renegotiate.

Don’t take it as a personal affront, all it means is that something was missing from the original agreement. Find out what prevented the agreement from being kept. After you figure out what was missing, go back to your intention and use what you’ve discovered to renegotiate the strategies and make new agreements.

Rebuilding the intimacy in your relationship needn’t be difficult. All it takes is that both parties are willing, you have resources that support you, and a mutual intention to guide you forward.

With these pieces of the foundation in place, your success in building a happy, healthy relationship, filled with love and intimacy is guaranteed.

With great love and appreciation,
Beth and Neill

Seven Steps that Rebuild Intimacy – A Seven Part Series

Here’s Step 6. Make sure you don’t miss the final important step that we’ll post tomorrow. If you missed the beginning of the series, click here: Rebuild Intimacy – Part One

Step 6: Appreciation

Any time is a good time to express appreciation for what you enjoy about your relationship. But at this point–more than ever–identifying what you are grateful for and expressing your appreciation for that is very supportive. And as you move forward it helps to have a foundation of appreciation to build on.

We suggest you make a list and then express your appreciation to your partner. You’re with this person because there are things about them that you like. Things that were done that you’ve enjoyed.

This may be a bit challenging if you’re in the middle of a relationship crisis, but don’t worry… If you’re having a hard time coming up with things to appreciate, remember back to the beginning of your relationship or use the values exercised to stimulate the memories of past expressions of love.

As we said in part one, you must still believe your relationship is worth some effort or you wouldn’t have gone to all the trouble of reading this far.

Read Part 7 of this 7 part series, or sign up for our RSS feed so you will be notified automatically when it’s posted.

This NEW video from our friends over at HeartMath is an overview of the amazing and vital role of the heart in our lives, and how our personal energetics shapes our social relationships and ultimately affects global consciousness.  The video is about creating Personal, Social and ultimately Global Coherence.

Where this HeartMath video talks about the intuitive nature of “heart feelings”, those familiar with our work will recognize that these feelings are generated whenever one is in resonance with that core pattern of values that are central to each person’s makeup. Our experience working with people is in complete harmony with the material presented in this new video, and we wholeheartedly recommend HeartMath’s work.

We hope you enjoy the video!

The Heart’s Intuitive Intelligence —

a path to personal, social and global coherence

;-)HeartMath’s mission is to facilitate a fundamental shift in health, well-being and consciousness. The focus of its triple-bottom-line mission is people, planet and profit. And what could be bad about that?

Please leave a comment below and share whether you rely on your heat’s intuitive sense as described in this video and if so, how you have developed or nurture this ability.

Seven Steps that Rebuild Intimacy – A Seven Part Series

Here’s Step 5. Make sure you don’t miss any of these important steps. We’ll post one a day for the next two days. If you missed the beginning of the series, click here: Rebuild Intimacy – Part One

Negotiate, Don’t Compromise

Some experts say that compromise is what’s needed to create a healthy relationship. We believe that understanding the difference between negotiation and compromise plays a big part in being willing and able to stick with the process we suggest here.

In our opinion compromise starts from an “Us Against Them” mindset. The process begins with everyone identifying what they want. Then they find out who’s willing to give up what parts of what they want until everyone seems to be willing to settle for what’s left.

This is a recipe for frustration and resentment. Compromise is grounded in the belief that there isn’t enough to go around, so you have to settle for whatever you can get.

Negotiation, on the other hand, is grounded in a “We” mindset. It starts by finding out what everyone values and what is missing for each person in a situation. Then, while they stay focused on concrete ways that each person can get what they value, strategies begin to emerge that make it possible for everyone to be satisfied, without the need for any compromise.

Negotiation requires that each person remain totally committed to giving up nothing they value, while at the same time maintaining an equal commitment to give up any particular strategy that would prevent the other person from experiencing what they value.

We suggest you look at each of the values in your mutual intention and identify actions each person is willing to take in order to bring those values to life in your relationship. Then rethink every action that doesn’t create the intention for both of you.

Remember don’t compromise–never do anything that you don’t really want to do. Stay true to yourself and the process.

Read Part 6 of this 7 part series, or sign up for our RSS feed so you will be notified automatically when it’s posted.