The Ups and Downs of Self Esteem?

In order to raise your [tag-tec]self esteem[/tag-tec], [tag-tec]improve your self confidence[/tag-tec] and just plain start feeling good about yourself, you must stop protecting yourself from the ups and downs you feel when you are judged or criticized. People will always have opinions, some people will like you and some won’t. You will succeed at some things and not others. Some people will think you’re wonderful and some will criticize you. Rather than defending yourself from these negative judgments and opinions, start translating them into what they truly mean…

How do you react to being  judged or [tag-tec]criticized[/tag-tec]?

If you believe that your self-esteem is attached to how you feel in each moment, whether someone likes you or not, or whether you succeed or fail with your goals, then it will feel like your sense of self-esteem is on a roller coaster ride.

A great woman once said,

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

The woman was Eleanor Roosevelt and she understood that you and you alone are responsible for how you feel. Why would you feel bad about what someone else thinks of you unless you are worried about it being true in some way?

Now, you’re not alone in this. The “habitual way of being” of constantly buying into the judgments of others is extremely common. In most cultures we are actually taught that our parents, teachers, and most other adult authorities were the best judge of whether we were good or bad, right or wrong, or acting appropriately or inappropriately. With this as our training, why wouldn’t we grow up believing that we are defined by other people’s judgments of us?

We are trained so well in fact that as we grow up we learn to judge ourselves in these same ways. So then, not only did we lean to worry about the judgments of others, we become paralyzed by our judgments of ourselves.

If this sounds all too familiar to you then the question becomes: how do we get out of this mental habit so we can improve our self-confidence and start feeling good about ourselves?

“The only way to change is by changing your understanding.” ~ Anthony De Mello

The key is to get conscious

A good first step toward becoming conscious is to recognize that our low self-esteem has deep roots in our fear of being judged, both by ourselves and others.

The next step is to start translating these judgments into the truth of what they really mean. This may be hard to see at first, but we’ve found that every judgment springs from a desire to support you.

You might be saying; “Support me, how can anything so negative and destructive be supportive?”

“Suffering occurs when something is taken for what it’s not, rather than for what it is.” ~Suzanne Segal

Judgments and criticisms are never about you. They are about the values and needs of the person expressing them. We believe that within every judgment or criticism–even the ones you have about yourself–there are core values that the person making the judgment wants to experience or needs they want to have met.

As an example, let’s say you locked your keys in the car and the person riding with you says to you with a tone of disgust; “You’re such an idiot!” Then you say to yourself; “They’re probably right. That was a stupid thing to do.” This response is a reaction from your old conditioning. Whenever you respond without investigating the deeper meaning of these negative labels you reinforce this “habitual way of being”. It’s no wonder that anger, frustration, sadness, and lowered self-esteem are the result.

“Whenever anything negative happens to you, there is a deep lesson concealed within it, although you may not see it at the time.” ~Eckhart Tolle

But let’s take a look at what happens after you’ve become conscious of this old pattern and have chosen to respond from the understanding that every judgment or criticism is stimulated by a value or a need that has yet to be revealed.

We’ll use the same example where somebody says; “You’re such an idiot!” But this time — rather than defending yourself or submitting to the judgment — you respond with curiosity and say to yourself; “I wonder what’s going on with them, what value are they trying to experience or what need are they trying to met?”

You are now ready to take the third step. This is when you start guessing what the other person may value or need that would lead them to say such a thing in the first place. This process requires that you develop your Values Intelligence.

Similar to Emotional Intelligence, Values Intelligence is the ability to identify the deeply held values that motivates a person’s thoughts, intentions, strategies, and the actions they take. It’s also the ability to recognize, regardless of our circumstances, what we personally hold deeply important. Our Values Intelligence is what allows us to, in an instant, form our own intentions and strategies so they are in harmony with the essence of who we are at a very profound level.

In our example the person may value predictability or carefulness and their remark is the best way they know how to encourage you to pay attention to these traits. They may be in a hurry and the remark was stimulated by their value for integrity or punctuality and they were hoping to let you know how worried they are about being late.

“In wisdom gathered over time I have found that every experience is a form of exploration.” ~Ansel Adams

It’s important to remember that you can’t know what the other person may value from a critical remark such as this. You can only put yourself in their shoes, guess what might lead you to make such a statement in a similar situation, and then perhaps ask them if your guess is accurate.

The crucial thing here is that, whether or not you get to what is important to them, you have taken your attention off of what might be “wrong with you” and placed your attention on discovering the hidden motivation that stimulated the comment in the first place.

Learn to turn your attention from the superficial judgments and criticisms you may hear to discovering the underlying values and needs that they so effectively hide, and you’ll also learn to turn their sting into a sense of anticipation about exploring a deeper connection and understanding with the person making them.

When you stop buying into these judgments you’ll start discovering it’s surprisingly easy to figure out how everyone can experience more of what they value in life. You’ll find that this ability to translate negative judgments and criticisms into their true meaning can lead to a deep sense of self-confidence and feeling good about yourself.

And isn’t that what self esteem is–feeling good about yourself?

Being Happy is Up to You

We all want to [tag-tec]be happy[/tag-tec] and most of us look for ways to support our [tag-tec]happiness[/tag-tec]. If that’s true for you, don’t miss this video.

We can all take a lesson from this little girl’s morning affirmation.  Her name is Jessica, and this child and her affirmation can’t help but create more life, happiness, and enthusiasm for everyone she touches.

But is [tag-tec]Happiness[/tag-tec] Really a Choice?

Many people find it very difficult to[tag-tec]maintain a positive outlook[/tag-tec] when they’re constantly bombarded with news about how much suffering exists in the world.

Some people even express a sense of [tag-tec]guilt about being happy[/tag-tec] when so many people go through extreme hardships of one kind or another.

Have you ever felt sad, frustrated, depressed or scared after listening to the news or reading the paper?

These feelings seem to be rooted in a sense of hopelessness about our ability to do anything to make a difference.

What many people end up doing is suffering sympathetically. While we are deeply moved by the suffering of people around the world, we believe the strategy of “sympathetic suffering” actually does more harm than good. We believe choosing [tag-tec]happiness is important[/tag-tec].

Here Are 5 Reasons Why.

The first reason is that, your pain servers no one

If you stopped breathing would other people breathe better? Try it out for yourself. Hold your breath, and then look around, is anybody breathing better?

The same is true about your happiness.

Can you think of one time when you were sad, upset or angry, and those feelings made a positive difference in someone else’s life? You can only give to others what you already have. [tag-tec]It’s okay to be happy[/tag-tec]!

The second reason is that happiness helps happiness happen

Sadness shared does not reduce sadness, but happiness shared actually multiply happiness. Think about it. Remember, the last time you were with someone that was really happy, passionate or excited about something. Didn’t you enjoy being with them? Wasn’t their happiness contagious?

Why does this happen?

At a very deep level, all of us want to be happy and are drawn to whatever encourages and supports our own happiness. You see, it’s actually good for everyone when you’re happy!

The next reason is that what you focus your attention on grows

When you consciously focus on being happy, you will find more happiness in your life–Guaranteed!

This isn’t “new-ageie, magical thinking.” It is just the way our minds work. We can’t help but recognize and pay attention to those things that are similar to where we focus our attention.

You may have had this experience. When we bought our last car we thought it was so unique, but as we were driving home, we saw another one and continue to see more and more of them the longer we owned it. We couldn’t help but see that model because our attention was now focused on it.

So if it is true that what we all really want is to be happy, then focusing our attention on the activities and thoughts that contribute to our happiness is essential. It’s not only a good thing to be happy it’s actually important to be happy!

Another good reason is that saying so support success

“If you think you can or if you think you can’t, either way you’re right.” This famous quote by Henry Ford puts it in a nutshell. It speaks to the very essence of why it’s true: if you say its so–it is so.

Our thinking can be one of the most fundamental limitations on our ability to be happy–or to be anything else for that matter. So Don’t Worry, Be Happy

The final reason and we believe the most important reason to choose happiness is that…

YOU Can Make a Difference!

If you can learn to maintain your personal happiness, regardless of your circumstances, you actually can make a real difference in the world.

Give up the idea that you–one lone person–can’t make a difference. It’s not true. Just because there are so many things you can’t do anything about, doesn’t mean there aren’t just as many things you can do something about.

So the next time you feel hopeless about your ability to do anything to make a difference, remember: your suffering serves no one and may even be keeping you paralyzed–unable to do anything to support anyone, including yourself.

So is [tag-tec]happiness[/tag-tec] a choice?

We say it better be!

So say it loud–and say it proud…

I Choose Happiness!

Baba Brinkman evolving rapping to where no rapper has gone before…

Here is a great article on the same topic by Olivia Judson we thought you’d also enjoy.

By OLIVIA JUDSON

The lights go down. The room fills with music — a pulsating hip-hop rhythm. And then, over the music, you hear the voice of Richard Dawkins reading a passage from “On the Origin of Species” by Charles Darwin: “Whoever is led to believe that species are mutable will do good service by conscientiously expressing his conviction. For only thus can the load of prejudice by which this subject is overwhelmed be removed.”

So begins one of the most astonishing, and brilliant, lectures on evolution I’ve ever seen: “The Rap Guide to Evolution,” by Baba Brinkman.

Read the rest of the article here: Darwin Got It Going On

And Here’s a Selection of Baba Brinkman’s Music (on CBC Radio)

Thoughts?

We received this story via e-mail and want to share it with you. We aren’t sure whether it’s true or not, but it certainly is touching.

It’s one of those inspirational stories that can help us stop and remember that each one of us can make a difference in the lives of the people around us when we look for opportunities to contribute.

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Our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month. The day after she died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey. She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. I told her that I thought we could so she dictated these words:

Dear God,

Will you please take care of my dog? She died yesterday and is with you in heaven. I miss her very much. I am happy that you let me have her as my dog even though she got sick.

I hope you will play with her… She likes to play with balls and to swim. I am sending a picture of her so when you see her You will know that she is my dog. I really miss her.

Love, Meredith

We put the letter in an envelope with a picture of Abbey and Meredith and addressed it to God/Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven. That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office. A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought so.

Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch addressed, ‘”To Meredith” written in an unfamiliar hand. Meredith opened it. Inside she discovered a book by Mr. Rogers called, ‘When a Pet Dies…’ Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God in its opened envelope. On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey & Meredith and this note:

Dear Meredith,

Abbey arrived safely in heaven.

Having the picture was a big help. I recognized Abbey right away.

Abbey isn’t sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in your heart. Abbey loved being your dog. Since we don’t need our bodies in heaven, I don’t have any pockets to keep your picture in, so I am sending it back to you in this little book for you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by.

Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you write it and sending it to me. What a wonderful mother you have. I picked her especially for you.

I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much.

By the way, I’m easy to find, I am wherever there is love.

Love,

God

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Leave a comment and let us know if you’ve noticed an opportunity and reached out and contributed to someone recently. God acts in mysterious ways you know.