Life = Risk So Just Say Yes!

Risk of failure? Yes!  Risk of looking bad? Yes! Risk having confidence in yourself when no one else does? Yes! Risk of looking too good where people might be jealous of you. Yes! All these risks and more are worth taking when you go for what you want and stick with it until you get it.

No matter who you are, your level of education, or your standing in the community, you are–and always have been–capable of achieving what you deeply desire.

Life involves risk and the life you truly want may even be a little riskier.  So here’s a little [tag-tec]Self-Help Motivation[/tag-tec] video to keep you inspired and moving towards the life you want.

Enjoy!

Certainly, every human being is filled with tremendous potential and abilities, yet too often they go unrealized because of our failure to break free from the social conditions designed to perpetuate avenues of personal failure rather than avenues for actualization and transformation.
~ Ian Robertson

What would you be willing to risk to break free from your conditioning and transform your life?

COMPLAINTS?

Have you ever noticed how much time people spend complaining? If so, you may have noticed that the worst part about complaining is that it eats up a great deal of time and mental energy, leaves us [tag-tec]feeling stressed out[/tag-tec] and doesn’t getting much changed about the situation. Complaining also has physical effect, leaving you feeling tense and uncomfortable and people who are chronic complainers often end up becoming very cynical and negative assuming nothing will ever change.

WHY IS COMPLAINING SO COMMON?

From the time we are small children, our parents have taught us the difference between right and wrong. Everyone knows the “good” and “bad” ways to act.  When someone notices something they don’t like, often the first impulse is to make a judgment about whether it is “right” or “wrong.” This can lead to judging people as inappropriate or unacceptable, based on their actions we observe.

For most people, this judgment acts as a defense mechanism to keep ourselves and our feelings safe. If we can feel that our actions were “right,” then it’s far easier to assume the other person is “wrong.” We assume that if our actions are “right,” then others will not have any reason to judge us, therefore keeping us safe.

All these internal judgments inevitably turn into complaints, and we end up spending our time complaining to ourselves about the situation or the person involved.  However, because complaining actually makes us feel bad—and, as human beings, what we want most is to feel good–we end up sharing our complaints with other people. Our hope is that if we talk to others about our complaint they will agree with us and we will feel better and find the [tag-tec]happiness[/tag-tec] we are actually looking for.

DO YOU EVER COMPLAIN TO OTHER PEOPLE ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS?

There are two possibilities that can occur when we complain to other people. One possibility is that they may agree with us and join in with the complaining, which leads both parties to feel tense, agitated, and uncomfortable. The next possibility is that the other person disagrees with us, which can lead to additional conflict and more uncomfortable feelings. Regardless of which way the complaining leads, it rarely leads either person to feel better about the situation. Additionally, any time spent complaining is time that is not spent finding a way to make the situation better.

“If you don’t like something change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain.” ~Maya Angelou

It is hard to remember the reality of a situation when we spend so much time complaining. The facts get clouded by our blaming, judging, and complaining, which makes us feel more stressed about any situation and less able to find a solution. When we continue to complain about something, we often forget why we even started to complain in the first place.

“The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.” ~Mark Twain

WHY DO WE REALLY COMPLAIN?

One way to stop complaining is to really think about why you are complaining in the first place. Approaching every situation that you had a complaint about as an opportunity to start taking action to change things may help you relieve stress and find more peace and happiness at the same time.

How is this possible? Complaints can actually be the key to your happiness if you use them to unlock the deeper meanings about your judgment and irritation. Complaining is almost always a reflection of your true underlying values and what you want to see happening in this situation. When something you really want is not happening, it will lead to complaining. But, the complaint is merely a distraction from the true situation unless you use it to make a change.

“Now, 10 years later, the person who talked and complained is still talking and complaining and still remains in the same position. The person who took the initiative and found solutions has been promoted several times.” ~Catherine Pulsifer

Here’s the [tag-tec]stress relief[/tag-tec] you’re looking for…

5 KEYS FOR TURNING COMPLAINTS INTO SATISFYING SOLUTIONS

1) If you are looking to find solutions begin by downloading a free Values worksheet to help you identify what is most important to you.

http://www.focusedattention.com/resources/resources.htm

2) After completing the [tag-tec]Core Values[/tag-tec] Worksheet, think about what came up as important topics, and what is missing from the situation that is currently a problem. Identify these using value words.

3) When you catch yourself complaining about a situation, ask yourself:

• “What would be different if I did not judge this situation as right or wrong?”
• “What is very important to me that is missing in this situation?”
• “What can I do to experience what is missing for me?” “What can I change here?”

As an example, you might find that you were hoping for more connection in relationships or more self-discipline to complete tasks and projects.  If you find yourself complaining about being too busy, perhaps what’s missing is balance or relaxation. If you find yourself complaining about your partner nagging at you all the time, then maybe what’s missing is understanding or better communication.

4) Take some time to reflect and ask yourself, “If I could change the situation to include things that are important to me, would I be complaining about the present situation?”

5) Lastly, consider, “How can I act to make a change in this situation to make it include what I want most?”

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” ~Victor Frankl

Bonus Key) LIVE IN HARMONY WITH WHAT YOU VALUE

What’s Fair is Fair?

Are you concerned with the fairness in your relationships? Do you expect everyone involved in the relationship to do their part if they want to share the benefits? Some say that, in order for a relationship to truly work, both people need to contribute equally. This focus of your attention may be leading to the [tag-tec]intimacy problems[/tag-tec] in your [tag-tec]relationship[/tag-tec].

Many people labor under the assumption that only when a relationship is truly “50-50” can it be a better, happier, [tag-tec]more intimate relationship[/tag-tec]. Unfortunately, this is simply not true. We think it’s a myth that should be dispelled.

Why? We find it’s the people who truly believe in this myth who most often find themselves unhappy, frustrated, and lacking the most [tag-tec marriage intimacy]intimacy[/tag-tec] in their relationships.

What Do You “Expect” from Your Relationships?

This happens whenever someone sits around and expects others to behave in certain ways–ways that they have decided are “doing their fair share.” This is a recipe for disappointment. Keeping score is no way to keep your relationship, even a married relationship on smooth and solid ground.

In fact, expecting others to act certain ways or do certain things to “make us happy” actually limits our ability to be happy. If we want to be truly happy then we need to embrace the idea that we are the only ones in control of our happiness.

When you stop expecting particular things from your relationship, you can start working towards happiness, satisfaction and true intimacy in your relationship.

You Can Have What You Want!

This means taking full responsibility–being 100% responsible for your own happiness. This doesn’t mean you stop trying to get what you want from your relationships. It means just the opposite, if something is missing, you take responsibility for making it happen, and this can be done with or without your partner’s help. When you figure out how to get what you want, you can’t help but be happier, more satisfied and create a more intimate relationship.

Don’t leave your happiness solely in the hands of others. Start being 100% responsible for creating true happiness and a deeper sense of intimacy in all of your relationships starting right now.

The Quality of Your Relationships Equal the Quality of Your Life

Okay, hopefully you’ve had time to practice steps one through five, from part one of 10 Steps that Lead to Better Relationships and a Happier Life. Just in case you missed it see part one here: https://newageselfhelp.com/main/10-steps-that-lead-to-better-relationships-and-a-happier-life-part-one

To recap, steps one through five are…

1. Start identifying what [tag-tec]your values.[/tag-tec]
2. Figure out what it is you “DO” want in your relationships.
3. Stop taking [tag-tec]your relationship[/tag-tec] partner’s judgment and criticisms personally by remembering that they are only trying to meet some need or experience something they value.
4. Offer the gift of your presence and…
5. Help the other person discover what’s most important to them.

Now it’s time to move forward and take step number six.

~ Step Six – Sharing the Vision ~

The next step to [tag-tec]improving your relationships[/tag-tec] is the ability to create a shared vision. Instead of working independently toward your own goal, try finding common goals that you share with your partner.

When you have a shared vision about what you want for the relationship, making agreements and accomplishing results happens much more easily. This step moves you closer to greater success and mutual satisfaction.

~ Step Seven: Line It up ~

Once you’ve identified what you want and value, and you’ve given your presence to your partner and come to an understanding about what they want and value, it’s time to have a very clear, conscious conversation about what you each want to create in your relationship.

Do you want to spend more time together? Do you want to be more appreciative of each other? The alignment conversation is your time to formulate a blueprint for the actions you and your partner agree to take to insure that both of you get what you need.

~ Step Eight:  Take It Easy on Yourself ~

We’ve spent a lot of time talking about the steps you need to take in order to be there for your partner. Throughout the process, it’s also important to take care of yourself.  It’s common for alignment conversations to bring up past pain and resentments as you focus on how to change the present situation. When you start to feel any discomfort, or irritated the conversation may bring up – STOP.  Give yourself a breather and take the time to look at the causes underneath the feelings you are experiencing.

As we mentioned before, everything that everyone says or does is motivated by a value that isn’t being experienced, and this includes the voice inside your head. Figure out what may be stimulating your negative emotions before moving on with the conversation. What need of yours is missing, what value aren’t you experiencing.

~ Step Nine: Learning the [tag-tec]Negotiation[/tag-tec] Dance ~

Once you’ve created an alignment with your partner, you’ll need to make some concrete agreements about how to reach your goals for the relationship. For example, if you both agree that you would like to create more trust, perhaps you’ll create an agreement about checking in with each other when you need more information.

The best way to reach these agreements is through negotiation with your partner. Negotiation is a lot like dancing: you step forward, your partner steps back, you turn around and then you both step forward. Perfecting this dance takes some practice, but once you start actively doing the dance, it will get easier and easier.

~ Step Ten: Believe in the Process~

The last, but certainly not least of the steps is learning to trust the process. In order for these steps to lead you where you want to go and then stay there, it’s imperative that you trust the process. Things may not go exactly as you imagine, but that doesn’t mean that your efforts aren’t making a shift.

Trusting the process means putting the brakes on your cynicism, refusing to give in to futile thoughts that may come up, and have faith that it’s really and actually possible for everyone to be satisfied with the end results.

The easiest way to truly have faith in the process is to become an Explorer. An Explorer has faith that there is something to discover, they have made a pledge to discover it, and they are continually taking action and creating strategies that will fulfill on that pledge.

Well there they are, the 10 Steps that Lead to [tag-tec]Better Relationships[/tag-tec] and a Happier Life. Now don’t stop after reading these steps, make a commitment to take them, practice them and start experiencing those relationships and that life you truly desire.