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Overcoming the Roadblocks on Your Way to [tag-tec]Success[/tag-tec]!

In part one of this post, and we talked about how the following cycle saps your motivation:

Limiting Beliefs -> Thoughts -> Actions -> Results -> Limiting Beliefs

We’ll pick up where we left off, explaining how you can discover the gifts offered by a painful past.

As young children we crafted each of our [tag-tec]limiting beliefs[/tag-tec] as an attempt to satisfy some need we had that was very important to us in that moment. Unfortunately, limiting beliefs are almost always geared toward the negative goals of protecting us from perceived danger or disappointment. And they are rather “poorly designed” in that they protect something that we value, but at the cost of other values of equal importance.

“Every small change at the root level of belief will produce amazing changes in behavior and performance.” ~ Harry Alder

Understanding Allows Conscious Interpretation and New Possibilities

The good news is that we can lean to use a limiting belief to discover all of the values we hold as deeply important to us. And knowing clearly what we value can provide us with our deepest sources of inspiration and [tag-tec]motivation[/tag-tec].

In this way, every limiting belief holds within it a new possibility of personal motivation waiting to be exposed. Here’s a simple process you can use to discover the limiting beliefs that my be sapping your energy. Using this process you can discover a wellspring of [tag-tec]self help motivation[/tag-tec] that lives deep within you.

The process begins by asking yourself these five questions:

1. What do you value that is lacking in the current situation–what’s missing?
2. What do I believe that is causing the absence of what I value?
3. What is the belief protecting me from?
4. What else do I value that this belief costs me?
5. What would I need to believe in order to experience everything I value?
   (My new, Empowering Belief.)

Answering this last question identifies a belief that will replace the old one. It is the compelling image of your future that draws you like a magnet to the life you want to create. It is the source of inspiration and motivation that will move you into action

Engineering Your Own Motivation

Let’s apply these questions to the following example. Let’s say you notice you’re feeling nervous about asking for a raise, so you STOP and answer the questions. Your answers may be:

1. Since I’m feeling nervous I may be missing a sense of self confidence.
2. A belief that may cause my lack of self confidence may be something like “I’m not good enough.” (How could you feel self confident with this belief?)
3. This belief may be protecting me from being disappointed.
   (You may have created this belief as a child when your parents did not pay as much attention to you as you hoped. The belief was designed to protect you from experiencing disappointment about not receiving the appreciation or recognition you want.)
4. The belief may prevent me from experiencing the disappointment of being turned down for a raise. But it also ensures that I will not receive the appreciation or recognition I want.
5. “I am worthy of appreciation and recognition. My sense of confidence and self worth does not depend on other people’s opinions.”

Once you’ve identified the new belief that better serves all of your needs, it’s time to start taking the actions that will help you experience the truth of this new belief. Identify specific actions you can take right away that will reinforce a new and empowering cycle:

Empowering Beliefs -> Thoughts -> Actions -> Results -> Empowering Beliefs.

Success Breeds Success

As often as possible, reinforce the cycle by creating your future from a compelling image of what success and happiness means to you. Your successes with the process will provide you with the motivation you need to continue reprogramming your limiting beliefs

Each time you practice this process, it will help you program an empowering new belief into your mind. As you continue identifying these new beliefs and the actions needed to experience them, you will develop fresh skills for navigating around whatever roadblocks may stand between you and your success.

If you’re ready to learn more down-to-earth tactics for creating the kind of self help motivation you want, please don’t leave without signing up for our weekly action tips series.  Use the sign-up box in the upper right corner of the page.

Until next time…

With great love and a commitment to your success,

Beth & Neill

Are You Hitting Roadblocks on the Way to Success?

How many roadblocks have you hit on your way to success and happiness? If you’re like most people, the number one obstacle is your own limiting beliefs. When you encounter these obstacles you have two choices, give up or find the [tag-tec]self help assistance and motivation[/tag-tec] you need to overcome them.

If you choose to seek support, then the question becomes, “What kind of limiting beliefs do I have that are preventing my [tag-tec]success and happiness[/tag-tec]?” The first step to answering this question is to begin paying attention to your thinking.

Do you ever hear yourself saying things–silently or out loud–such as: I’m not smart enough, good enough, or capable enough to achieve the results I want? If so, you’ll probably end up stuck in the following cycle:

Limiting Beliefs -> Thoughts -> Actions -> Results -> Limiting Beliefs

Thoughts such as these cause internal anxiety, anxiety creates stress, and stress causes fatigue. Stop and think about this. When you’re tired, do you have the energy to get out there and do what it takes to generate the results you want? For most of us the only thing this pattern creates is a sense of frustration and hopelessness. Hardly the kind of inspiration you need to break the cycle.

How Do You Create the Motivation Needed to Turn Limiting Beliefs Around?

To begin with, it’s useful to realize what creates this pattern. As children, it was likely we developed limiting beliefs each time we had an experience that we didn’t enjoy. The greater the degree of our displeasure, the greater the power of our limiting belief.

This happened because we took those experiences and made them mean something about ourselves and the world. Then we began repeatedly looking at our world through the filter of that meaning.

“To grow, you must be willing to let your present and future be totally unlike your past. Your history is not your destiny.” ~ Alan Cohen

Your Future Does Not Have to be Created from Your Past

Now that you have some idea how the process began, how do you create the [tag-tec]self help motivation[/tag-tec] you need to turn this pattern around? You begin by creating an image of your future that is more compelling than the image of your past.

To do this effectively you need to get to the core of your desire to create a successful life. What do success and happiness mean to you? What are the most important things you’d like to experience as the result of being successful? What will change about your experience of being you when you become successful? Clearly understanding your answers to these questions is the surest way out of living in the past and moving toward the future you truly want.

Discover the Gifts Offered by a [tag-tec]Painful Past[/tag-tec]

Looking toward your future can actually open you to the possibility of discovering the gifts offered by these painful beliefs from your past. It’s important to learn to recognize when they are influencing your thoughts and actions. Then you can begin to identify the nature of the belief and the needs it was designed to protect and serve when you created it.

From this moment on, every time something happens and you feel uncomfortable in any way, STOP–use these feelings as an alarm. Explore them to discover the limiting belief that is generating the feelings, and what the belief is attempting to offer you.

Being successful with this discovery process requires an ability to get to the root cause of your feelings. Bringing this information into the light of consciousness is necessary if you wish to connect with the important message your feelings are trying to communicate.

In our next post we’ll show you a step-by-step process for identifying your limiting beliefs, the gifts they offer you, and specific actions you can take to experience more of the success and happiness you want. Using this process will help you overcome whatever roadblocks may lie on your path and ensure that you never again lack the self help motivation you need.

Until next time…

With great love and a commitment to your success,
Beth & Neill

Re-Establishing Trust in Your Relationship

(The following is Part 2 of our response to a question we received. To the best of our ability we removed all personally identifying information and have made the situation as generic as possible.)

We assume you have read part one of this response in the previous blog post. We also hope you have taken the opportunity to read the article we suggested near the end of that post. Part one concluded with the importance of [tag-tec]establishing trust[/tag-tec] in your ability to take care yourself in this kind of situation, whether or not you choose to stay with your spouse.

If you choose to move forward in the relationship, then it will be important to establish more openness and honesty with your spouse. It can be quite challenging to [tag-tec]reestablish trust[/tag-tec] with the spouse who has lied about something as important as drug use, and overcoming these issues can take quite a while. So we recommend you only undertake this journey if you trust your ability to take care of yourself along the way.

But, no matter how much you trust yourself, you cannot [tag-tec]reestablish trust with your spouse[/tag-tec] on your own. Your spouse has to want this too. As the saying goes: It takes two to tango. It will take cooperation from both of you to get your relationship back on track.

We have an article that offers advice about how to establish this kind of [tag-tec]cooperation[tag-tec]. And most importantly, it does it in a way that can free you from judgment, blame, fear, and shame that you and your spouse may feel toward each other in this situation.

Following the steps in this article can help you start to reestablish the trust has been lost. It will help you figure out what each of you wants from your relationship and what each of you are willing to do to resolve your current [tag-tec]relationship troubles[/tag-tec]. The title of the article is: 5 Keys for Creating Genuine Cooperation in All Your Relationships

You can the process described in this article to come to agreement about what you want to create in your relationship together, and then make specific agreements to work together to create it. Practicing genuine cooperation is the best way we know to build trust in relationship.

Getting Help for the Journey Ahead

If you both agree that you want to work together to resolve these trust issues and [tag-tec]improve your relationship[/tag-tec], then we suggest you seek the support of someone with [tag-tec]relationship counseling skills[/tag-tec] that you trust. This help can be very important in keeping you on track as make progress [tag-tec]regaining the trust you’ve lost in your relationship[/tag-tec].

You may be able to find someone with these skills by asking your friends, coworkers, or your spiritual counselors to suggest someone they trust. You may already know someone who is fair, impartial, and has the wisdom to provide the guidance you need. But regardless of how you choose to find them, we strongly suggest that you get this support.

Whatever you choose to do next, we hope you are able to do it with compassion for yourself and for your spouse.

We hope this has helped in some small way. We would enjoy hearing from you if it has.

Committed to supporting your happiness,

Beth and Neill

My [tag-tec]Spouse Lied[/tag-tec] to Me About Using Drugs – Now What?

(The following is Part 1 of our response to a question we received. To the best of our ability we removed all personally identifying information and have made the situation as generic as possible.)

We understand that it has been quite a shock for you to discover your spouse had lied to you about being in recovery. We hope the following suggestions may help you get “unstuck” from the confusion you are experiencing and help you choose what would be best for you to do next.

The first thing we suggest you do in this situation is to practice the following two understandings. But by “understanding” we don’t mean that you will agree with the behavior, give up on what is important to you, or resign yourself to the situation.

We simply hope you will experience some relief by practicing these two understandings. This relief will come partly from an increase in your ability to be compassionate with yourself and your spouse, partly from the clarity you’ll gain from knowing which actions you may want to take next, and partly by helping you [tag-tec]restore trust in your relationship[/tag-tec].

Understanding Number One – We Do the Best We Can

The first understand we find important to practice in situations like this is: People are always doing the best they can to have what is important to them. Always!

Before you were married, when you asked if your spouse had a drug problem, they gave you an answer they believed would meet most of their needs in the best way possible. There must have been something that was so important to them that they were willing to lie to you to protect it.

We guess they were protecting their relationship with you. They must have been painfully aware that any other answer than “Yes, I am drug free and in recovery”, would probably have resulted in losing their relationship with you. So in their mind they were faced with losing you or lying. And [tag-tec]saving the relationship[/tag-tec] with you was more important than telling the truth.

Unfortunately, it seems that their lie was not very effective in the long run. Now that you’ve discovered it, they seem in danger of [tag-tec]losing the relationship[/tag-tec] anyway. But, again, it was the best your spouse could do to protect what was important to them in that moment.

This same understanding is also true about their use of drugs.

There is some need your spouse is meeting by using drugs that they have not been able to meet in any other way. We predict that they will be unable to stop using drugs until they discover the need that using drugs satisfies, and then figure out another way to satisfy that need without it costing them so much–such as [tag-tec]losing relationships[/tag-tec] with people they love.

From your message it’s obvious you love your spouse. If you didn’t you wouldn’t be in such pain about this discovery. Helping them discover a less costly way to meet ALL their needs may be the most loving thing you could possibly do for them. But your willingness to help your spouse at this point in the relationship relies on the next understanding.

Understanding Number Two – Trust is “In Here”, Not “Out There”

One thing we’ve learned on our journey of [tag-tec]personal growth[/tag-tec] and [tag-tec]spiritual development[/tag-tec] is that how we are moment by moment is governed by what’s going on inside of us, not what’s going on outside of us.

We could feel joyful as we walk on a beautiful beach, during a gorgeous sunset, hand in hand with the one we love. But our joy is not caused by the beach or by the sunset. And it is not caused by the person holding our hand.

Our joy is springs from the fact that each of these things deeply satisfies something that we cherish. If we did not care about the aesthetics of our surroundings or about being in a relationship, this situation would not produce joy in us.

In the same way, the trust we feel is not created by what is going on “out there.” We believe trust actually comes from knowing we have the ability to take care of ourselves: to feel safe and in control of our well-being no matter what is going on in our surroundings. It’s hard to feel trusting if we don’t think we can take care of ourselves.

In this sense, the trust you think you lost in your spouse was actually your loss of trust that you can take care of yourself in your relationship with them. After all, how can you really take care of yourself when you cannot rely on the information they give you?

But I’ve never met a person who claimed that they had never lied. So it’s a safe bet that people have lied to you your whole life, and probably will continue to do so. You probably already know this. And in spite of this, you have done a pretty good job taking care of yourself, even though people sometimes lie to you.

Trust Yourself

In your situation, whether you choose to leave your spouse or not, we suggest that trusting yourself is the first kind of trust you need to establish.

Are you able to take care of yourself? Can you do what it takes to [tag-tec]live a happy life[/tag-tec] even though your spouse has lied to you?

Establishing trust in your ability to take care of yourself is important whether or not you choose to stay with your spouse.

But what if you still want to stay in the relationship and you find that you don’t really have that kind of trust in yourself?  Then you can use this situation as an opportunity to learn better ways of taking care of yourself as you work through these problems.

For support in this process you may find value in our article titled: Lying – Why It Happens and How You Can Regain Trust as you Rebuild Your Relationships

As you improve your ability to trust yourself, you can begin to focus all of your attention on resolving these issues and moving forward in your relationship. Trusting yourself gives you confidence that you will be okay in the process.

In our next blog post we will discuss ways to [tag-tec]reestablish trust in your relationship[/tag-tec], and how to use a very specific process for creating genuine cooperation as a way to do this.

Until then, we hope this has helped in some small way. Please let us know if it has. And feel free to post a comment below if you would like us to clarify anything we have offered here.

Committed to supporting your happiness,

Beth and Neill