Is Feeling Worried and Being Stressed-Out Tying You in Knots?

Do you lie awake at night, worrying? Does the stress of the day seem to weigh you down and control your mood, your decisions, and your life? If so, surely the amount of stress you deal with is taking its toll on you and those around you, keeping you from living the happy life you deserve. You can start to change this right now by determining the root causes of your stress. This is the first step in down the path to living a more relaxed peaceful life.

Root Cause = Fear of What’s to Come

Being afraid of what could happen in the future is a big stressor for a lot of people. You may be stressed over something as small as whether you remembered to set the timer on the coffee maker for the next morning or over an issue as important as whether peace will ever come to the Middle East.

“When I look back on all these worries I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.” ~Winston Churchill

Every time you stress over something that could possibly happen, or may never happen at all, you let future fear get the best of you. Here are a few red flag phrases you may hear in your head:

• “Do I have enough… savings to survive if I’m laid off at work?”

• “What if… she turns me down?”

• “Is that the right… doctor for my mother?”

• “How will… my children be affected by climate change?”

These thoughts may even be inhibiting your normal sleep pattern, which in turn will cause you more stress. You may soon find yourself in a worrisome cycle where lack of sleep feeds off existing stress, and new stress feeds off lack of sleep.

Root Cause = ‘Shoulda Coulda Woulda’

Another big stress provoker is concentrating on past mistakes. When you can’t forgive yourself for things that have happened in the past, you only fuel your stress.

• “I should have… studied more for that test.”

• “I could have… done something to help.”

• “I would have been… in a better position to pay for my kids’ college if only…”

Of course, a person may have some normal regret about things they would have like to have had happened differently in the past. But, beware of falling into a worry cycle.

How to tell if You’re Caught in the Worry Cycle

Worrying about the past or the future (or both) can throw you into a worry cycle, and thoughts like those above are what will keep you there; they are the underlying source of your stress. When you’re caught in the worry cycle, you quickly become susceptible to anxiety, depression, confusion, and sadness. Stress can overtake your life at this point and you may even become worried about your constant state of worry.
As we said before, it is perfectly normal to think about the future or wish you could take back or change some things in the past; however, it becomes unhealthy when you find yourself thinking about the same subject over and over, and when you feel so strongly about that subject that it affects your mood and even your relationships.
It’s very hard to be happy when you begin to fall into a worry cycle. So be aware that anytime you start to feel uncomfortable and find yourself thinking about something over and over again the cycle has probably begun.

Setting Yourself Free From the Worry Cycle

Just as with any pattern or habit, it will be difficult to break the worry cycle. This is because worrying has become familiar to you at this point and it probably starts without you even being aware you’re doing it. Fortunately, we have some effective strategies that will help you kick this stressful habit forever.

These next three steps will help you create a new habit that will diminish your stress levels almost immediately:

Step One: Be aware of your feelings. Our feelings are indicators of how well our actions are corresponding with what we value. When we feel stressed, scared, sad, or any other related feelings, our emotions signal to us that something we value is lacking in our lives. Learn what these signals feel like so you can correct the situation before you fall into a worry cycle.

Step Two: Find out what you value. In step one, you learned to be aware of your feelings so you’ll know when something you value is lacking. In order to correct the situation, you must know what that value is so you can satisfy it.

Step Three: Do something! You always have options for taking action in a situation. When you take an active role in the situation, you will feel more in control and you’ll have less time to stress.

Determining the root cause of your stress and following these simple steps will support you in taking back control of your mood, your decisions, and your life. Congratulations, you’re well on your way to living a more relaxed and peaceful life.

with love,
Beth and Neill

Self Doubts?

Do you wonder if you are good enough to get what you truly want?  [tag-tec]Low self esteem[/tag-tec] will cause you to doubt yourself, your goals, your actions, and your desires. Finding out what stands in your way is the first step in [tag-tec]building your self esteem [/tag-tec].

Our culture is very focused on using a system of rewards and punishments, consequences that make us behave in certain ways. Because we are worried about being punished, we develop certain strategies and beliefs we think will take care of us, but in actuality these strategies and limiting beliefs can lead to a great deal of self doubt.

Who is the Boss of You?

Worthiness, or unworthiness, is something that is pronounced upon you by you. You are the only one that can deem yourself worthy or unworthy. ~Abraham Hicks

Whenever you decide that you want something new–like a new car–perhaps you’ve noticed that you start seeing that make and model everywhere. This happens because what you focus your attention on grows, and so seeing that car everywhere is normal–it’s just what happens.

Think about wanting something new, like more self esteem. Start by deeming your self worthy. As soon as you do, you will start to notice more opportunities to find yourself “good enough”, “smart enough” “worthy enough” to achieve your greatest goals and desires. But an opportunity is only good if you take it on.

Start Today!

Don’t let your long standing limiting beliefs and your perceived low self confidence control what you can have in your life.

“If you think taking care of yourself is selfish, change your mind. If you don’t, you’re simply ducking your responsibilities.” ~ Ann Richards

Start today! Identify the beliefs that are limiting you and focus your attention instead on actions you can take to achieving your goals and desires.[tag-tec] Building your self confidence [/tag-tec]will take practice, but once you start you will begin creating the life you truly want.

With confidence in your ability to succeed,
Beth and Neill

If this is the first time you’re playing along, you may want to read our initial explanation. You can find it here:
Is It Really True? Quiz Intro

Please remember that in this quiz there are no right or wrong answers. We simply want to stimulate dialogue about some of our commonly held cultural beliefs.

Consider this statement…

We should praise children when they do a good job.

Do you agree or disagree?

Here’s what we came up with as we thought about the statement.

Why would people praise children when they’ve done a “good job”?

As we said last time, we believe that everything people say or do is intended to meet a need or to help them experience something they value. And when we want something we come up with ideas for getting it–strategies such as “praising children for doing a good job.”

So what is it that people want–the values–that motivate them to choose this strategy?

We guess that people praise children because they value:

• Support: to help the child feel empowered in their ability to accomplish something meaningful, and therefore improve their self-confidence.
• Acknowledgment: so the child understands the contribution they’ve made to you through their action.
• Success: helping the child understand which behaviors will support their success in life.

Can you think of any other needs our values people might want to satisfy by using this strategy?

Why this strategy?

Now the question becomes, why would someone choose this strategy?

Behind every strategy we choose there is a [tag-tec]belief that guides our choices [/tag-tec]and our actions. So what are the cultural beliefs that lead people to choose this strategy instead of some other?

Here are some possible beliefs that may lead to choosing this strategy:

• Children need authorities to help them learn good from bad, right from wrong.
• The best way to motivate children is by using praise.
• Without praise children won’t establish a sense of their value or self-worth.

Can you think of any others beliefs that might lead to using praise as a strategy?

Does this strategy work?

If your goal is to have children look to others for their sense of worth and have their actions motivated out of a desire to be praised and to please others–or the fear of not getting this praise–then we would say this strategy works.

We know many adults who depend on the praise and the approval of others for their happiness. We are not immune from this. We still catch ourselves hoping for praise and reward for what we do. And sometimes find ourselves disappointed and questioning our own worth when we don’t get it.

So, if what you really want is for the child to have a high degree of self-confidence that comes from a sense of empowerment, the ability to know if they are acting in harmony with their own values, an intrinsic sense of their self-worth, and the ability to know for themselves which actions will best support their success in life, then we think the strategy of praise probably does not work very well.

To the degree that we’ve come to depend on praise, not receiving it will lead to one of two scenarios–in children and adults alike. Either we start questioning our value, abilities and our internal guidance, or we end up frustrated and rebelling against the “authority” who failed to provide the praise we want.

What new understanding might make a difference?

There are understandings that can help people choose a different strategy than praise.

We discussed one in the first installment of this series: the difference between intrinsic vs. extrinsic motivation.

This time we are exploring the difference between:

Domestication: Any training process that uses a system of punishments and rewards to accomplish its goals.

and

Internal Authority: Using the principles and values we consciously choose as our guide.

Domestication

If you’ve been brought up in a typical world culture, then you are no stranger to externally imposed consequences such as punishments and rewards–praise being one of them.

From a very young age, authorities in your life teach you what’s right and what’s wrong, what’s good and what’s bad, what’s appropriate and inappropriate.

And you quickly learned that you get scolded or punished for being wrong or bad and praised or rewarded for being good or right.

To paraphrase Don Miguel Ruiz from his book, The Four Agreements: We soon learn to use this system of punishment and reward on ourselves to control our own behavior so we can keep getting the rewards (praise, recognition, a better job, a bigger house, …) and keep avoiding the punishments (ridicule, loss of relationship, loosing our job, …)

It seems that the lesson most people learn from this is:

What other people think is more important than what I think.

Given the amount of time and energy people spend on worrying about what other people think of them, it doesn’t appear that the strategy of praise satisfies the underlying desire to instill people with self-confidence, empowerment, the ability to know and act in harmony with their values, or an intrinsic sense of their self-worth.

What might better satisfy these underlying values?

Internal Authority

Imagine that instead of Praise:

“It was very grown-up of you to help rake your grandmother’s yard.”

“Your such a good boy for cleaning up the crayons.”

“You are so smart to get an A plus on that math test.”

What if we supported children in developing their self-confidence and their sense self-worth by modeling the ability to know what we value and to offer appreciation for how their actions supported us?

Let’s consider these values again. How would we model our value for:

Support:

Our desire to help a child feel empowered in their ability to accomplish something meaningful, and therefore improve their self-confidence.

“I love that you helped rake your grandmother’s yard. I think it helps her understand how much you care for her. Is that why you did it?”

Acknowledgment:

Our desire to help a child understand the contribution they’ve made through their action.

“I really enjoy that you cleaned up the crayons because I like it when it’s clean and tidy and I appreciate your help in keeping it that way. What was important to you about cleaning up the crayons?”

Success:

Our desire to help a child understand which behaviors will support their success in life.

“I’m happy to see you understood all the ideas in your math test because I think this will help you when you grow up the same ways it helps me with our family budget and running our business. What do you like about it?”

How would this be different for the child?

Imagine being raised in a culture where the people in your life understood what they valued and how to express their appreciation for your actions in ways that helped you develop your ability to know what you value.

Imagine that, both at home and in school, you were supported in making your own decisions, with respect for your internal guidance. And that the “authorities” in your life were truly interested in helping you explore what was important to you about your choices.

Do you think people would be as hesitant to rely on their own decisions or as worried about the opinions of other people?

How would it have been different for you?

What occurs to you?

That’s our thinking about this belief statement. Please let us know what occurs to you about any or all of this.

Click Here to make your comment.

We look forward to reading your response.

With great trust and respect for your ability to choose wisely,

Beth and Neill

PS Please remember to sign up for the RSS feed to make sure you are alerted to our next installment of: Is It Really True?

Inspiration = Self Help Motivation

Can you recall a time when you really “set your mind” to something, decided you were definitely going to do it, and somehow never followed through and completed it? You probably experienced some frustration and disappointment in yourself.

Losing motivation is something that can interfere with a person’s ability to stick with something and see it through.

Understanding what you truly value–what inspires you–is critical if you want to stay motivated and take consistent actions to change your life for the better.

[tag-tec]Personal values[/tag-tec] refer to what is most valuable to you, things or ideas that are deeply meaningful–central to your entire life. These personal values are really what inspire you and move you foreword.

“You can have anything you want if you want it deeply enough. You must want it with an exuberance that erupts through the skin and joins the energy that created the world.” ~Sheila Graham

Once you decide that you want something, make a commitment, move forward toward getting it and you find yourself [tag-tec]losing motivation[/tag-tec]l, take time to re-[tag-tec]linspire yourself[/tag-tec]l. Think about what exactly it is that you value, that had you want this thing in the first place-then get back in action!

To quote Hayden Tompkins over at Through The Illusion
“The answers we seek, truly, start with the right questions.”

What do you want and what’s inspiring those desires?

with love,
Beth and Neill