[tag-tec]Happiness [/tag-tec]Is Within Your Reach

Do you want to be happier than you are at this moment? If so,  Have you spent any time thinking about what exactly it is that prevents you from [tag-tec]being truly happy[/tag-tec]?  Don’t wait any longer, true happiness is only two conscious steps away.

Too many people count on others when they are pursuing happiness. We often expect that others will be the ones to make us happy, but, really, it is something we have to create ourselves. Instead of thinking that others should be nicer, more generous, more sensitive, or more whatever, we need to realize that the choice is our own if we want to be happy. Stop trying to change other people, and start making the only changes that will–in reality–make you happy.

You can have [tag-tec]happiness in any relationship[/tag-tec]; the key is in your hands

When you spend your time and energy trying to fix other people, you actually cause additional problems and end up becoming less happy. More often than not the person you are trying to change becomes irritated, and gets defensive about you attempt to “fix” something about them. Then you are left feeling aggravated, out of control, powerless and more unhappy than before.

This is because most of us think that in order for us to ever really [tag-tec]be happy[/tag-tec], someone else has to change.  It’s Not True. The truth is, how you interpret what the other person says or does is the most beneficial thing to start changing.

Remember that what you focus your attention on grows. When you focus on how unhappy someone else is making you, you will essentially become more and more aware of how unhappy you are. It will become the thing that you notice most in your life.

As an example, do you live with someone that come home and scatter all of their belongings-their shoes, coat, keys, books, etc.-in a trail of debris throughout the house marking their course behind them? This most likely would be incredibly irritating to most people. If this sounds familiar, it probably leads you to constantly ask, “Why don’t you pick up after yourself?” You might end up spending a lot of time focusing on this problem. This causes you to notice every little thing that is left lying around and the problem just becomes even more irritating.

Don’t try to teach a pig to sing – it’s a waste of time and annoys the pig

Have you noticed that the constant nagging and reminders doesn’t actually lead to having them pick up their stuff? They still do it, day after day. Nothing changes except for your level of irritation-which grows. You are headed in the wrong direction-not toward happiness, that’s for sure.

To the person you live with, you just sound like a nag. They stop caring about the nagging and often end up completely ignoring you. The trail of litter still doesn’t get picked up. And you focus more and more on it.

What’s the secret to changing this pattern and becoming happier?

• Step one is to reinterpret the situation.
• Step two is developing the ability to focus your attention on what you enjoy.

These two steps are the fastest and easiest way to get yourself on the path to true happiness in your life.

For instance, if the person you live with comes home and spreads their belongings around the house, ask yourself the question: “what might be so important to this person that they would leave their stuff just lying around the house?”

You might guess that they just want things to be easy or have the freedom to do what they want–not being told what to do could be very important to them. Then try to begin and end each day reminding yourself of what you DO enjoy about your life with this person. Take some time to focus your attention on the happiness that you do already enjoy, and change your focus-away from the problems.

Perhaps thinking of it as an emotional “bank account” is a good analogy.  If you take each of your thoughts and make a deposit into your emotional “bank account,” then what you deposit will grow. Now, if you are consistently depositing negative thoughts and feelings, then these will grow. But, if you are depositing positive and happy thoughts, and reminders of the things you enjoy and that make you happy, then these things will grow.

Create a bank full of thankful

Take some time to notice the things that make you happy. Focus on the happiness that you can find in each moment. Then, if you remember to focus your attention on that happiness, it grows-if we go back to the bank account analogy, think of it as “compound interest.”  Instead of assuming that the slobs you live with don’t care about you, put yourself in their place and ask yourself what might be going on with them and then be thankful for the little things that they DO bring to your life. Perhaps a smile, your child’s laugh, enjoying a meal together, or even shopping (for the things that will be later left on the floor) can be things that make you happy.

Reminding yourself to be grateful for the little things can make a huge difference in your life. Deposit happy, positive thoughts into your emotional bank account and watch your happiness grow. Discovering authentic happiness is truly up to you, it is a choice that you can make. Start focusing on saving up your happiness and you will have happiness now.

Do you avoid confrontation?

Many people do their best to avoid [tag-tec]conflict and confrontation [/tag-tec]at any cost. Do you notice yourself doing this? If so, when you know that a confrontation is possibly coming your way, you probably start to feel a great deal of tension and worry. And after a confrontation, you are left with a huge pile of bad feelings. So it seems to make perfect sense to just try and avoid all situations where conflict is possible.

Not so fast… what if there were ways to change how you handle these situations. What if you could solve conflicts and [tag-tec]deal with confrontations[/tag-tec] in a way that would leave you feeling more comfortable and less upset? If that sounds like more fun to you, read on and discover five keys that will help you unlock your personal conflict management toolbox

It is important that you understand the definition of confrontation before you can learn to effectively manage it. According to the dictionary definition, confrontation is “discord that results from clashing ideas or opinions.” Confrontation is not simply a disagreement, it occurs when the people involved are viewing it as a “clash” that cannot be resolved.

The five keys

The first key–when trying to avoid confrontations–is that you should stop trying to avoid them. This might sound a little crazy at first, but think about it, is it really possible to avoid confrontation altogether? Well maybe if you sat in a cave and never talk to anyone, but then you wouldn’t be reading this article. So if you want to dramatically reduce your anxiety about confrontation use key number one and stop trying to avoid conflict and confrontation.

The second key to [tag-tec]successful conflict management [/tag-tec]is to rethink how you define confrontation. When you begin to understand that what you’re actually trying to avoid is judgment from others, not getting your way, or possibly losing a relationship that you value, then you’ll start to realize it is the outcome that you’re avoiding, not the confrontation itself.

When you constantly see confrontation as something to be avoided, you will remain in a state of fear that will stimulate the “fight or flight” reaction–minimizing your ability to come up with ideas to manage the situation effectively.

Try this definition of confrontation on for size “to bring face to face.” Meeting someone face to face, does not need to be a confrontation. Expecting that you may have a difference of opinion will help you relax and be able to resolve any differences that arise.

Now that you’ve stopped avoiding conflict and redefined it, you can also stop getting defensive, aggressive, or just running for the hills. Start by learning some creative ways to handle confrontation when it comes your way–ones that satisfy everyone involved.

Now for key number three, when you find yourself gearing up to avoid a confrontation, use your uncomfortable feelings as a signal to yourself, a warning of sorts that you need to stop and reflect on the situation. Think about the situation as an explorer would. There is always something worthy of discovery, something that remains untapped and could provide some precious knowledge and experience.

Believe in your ability to explore new things, like handling confrontation creatively. Be an explorer, and you will be thrilled to discover your new strategies and solutions.

Commit yourself to new discoveries-develop a mindset that allows you to think using new patterns and to create results that totally line up with what you value. When everyone involved is satisfied, then you have cooperative relationships and confrontation becomes a non-issue.

The fourth important key is to learn how to focus on values. Focus on everyone’s values, not just yours. Don’t focus on another person’s complaints, but instead try to focus on what their underlying values actually are.

When you are focused on discovering new ways of interacting–when you’re playing the role of explorer and navigate through the conversation–always stay focused on uncovering satisfying solutions. When you are committed to including what’s most important to everyone in your solutions, you will find that your relationships become much more satisfying.

If you let it, any confrontation can be seen as a treasure map–one that can guide you through the sea of discovery, leading you to new experiences. When you are persistent with your exploration of confrontation, you will find that these new discoveries provide you with clarity that helps negotiate any conflict or confrontation in a way that everyone can be satisfied.

The fifth and final key is that whenever someone says or does anything that might normally lead to a confrontation; the reason they said or did it reflects their own missing values in the situation and is not consciously intended to create a conflict.

If you stop and take the time to identify what they value in the situation–what’s important to them that’s missing–they’ll not only appreciate this gesture, but will be more open to hearing what’s important to you.

Sadly, most people are not readily able to identify what they value most. Most of us were not encouraged at a young age to pay attention to what we care about most or what we needed, nor did we expect that other people would care about our needs. Learning how to unlock your new personal conflict management toolbox takes patience and plenty of practice, but it can be accomplished. Stick with it–you really can find satisfying solutions that all parties in a relationship will be happy with.

With love,
Beth and Neill

Have you ever wanted to have an important conversation with someone but were worried that it wouldn’t go well? When we say important conversations we mean crucial ones–the kind that if they don’t go well would have a major negative impact. If you’ve ever felt tense about having one of these talks, you’re not alone. Most people feel nervous about having this kind of crucial conversation.

Sadly enough, communicating effectively isn’t a skill that’s taught in most schools and often isn’t learned at home. Sad because this is an essential skill for enjoying a satisfying life.

Help Has Arrived

We’ve developed the following checklist to support you in having successful conversations in all areas of your life, regardless of the situation. So before your next crucial conversation, go down the list and do your best to pay attention to each and every item. If you do, we’re confident that you’ll be much more satisfied with the outcome.

___ Intention
Whether you’re aware of it or not you always have an intention, whether it’s a conscious intention or an unconscious intention. Your intention can be sensed by the people you’re interacting with, and it creates the foundation of your conversation.

Prior to any important talk, create a clear, value-based intention for the conversation. Then, before you say a word to the other person, remind yourself to stay focused on your intention. This value based foundation will help you build the kind of connection that will produce satisfying results for everyone concerned.

___ Underlying Concerns
Check to see if you have any underlying concerns about having this conversation. You may want to have a conversation about the family budget or how much quality time you spend together. But you may have an underlying fear that the other person isn’t willing to discuss this issue with you in the first place.

Know that “any unexpressed fear is often interpreted as aggression.” So start by expressing any underlying concern and quickly let the other person know what, if anything, you would like from them about this. In our example, you may want to get a green light from the other person about their willingness to have the discussion.

___ Get on the Same Page
As the first part of the conversation, make sure you get on the same page about what may have happened in the past or offer a concise description of the present circumstances. It’s essential just to speak about what’s going on in terms of specific events. Absolutely no judging or labeling.

___ Economy of Words
in an important conversation, more words are not better. An economy of words is essential for creating understanding and clarity.

___ Intention Again
Next, if it fits in the conversation, let the other person know what you would like to create in the this conversation and in your relationship with them: verbalize your intention.

___Get Their Point of View
Find out what’s important to them in the situation. What outcomes might they want, and how could you support them in creating their intention for the situation? In this step it’s critical that you do not attempt to interject your point of view or analyze what they want.

___Negotiation
Now you’re ready to come up with strategies that will help both of you get what you want in the situation. Work together and brainstorm ideas. Before you agree on any strategies, make sure that your ideas don’t leave anything out for either of you.

___Agreements
This is the point where you decide who will take the actions necessary to move ahead with the strategies you’ve come up with. These assignments need to be satisfying to both of you. And you also need to agree about who will take which of the actions, and when they will be completed.

___Accountability
Following-up on your agreements is critical. Set the date for your next meeting to see how everything is going. Don’t wait until things are going badly to check-in. At this accountability meeting see if anything is missing for either of you or if you’d like to make any adjustments in the agreements you’ve made.

One last thing, after every conversation, check in with yourself. Did you enjoy the way the conversation went? If you did, it’s time to celebrate! If not, it’s a great time to identify what was missing for you.

Review your conversation using this checklist. What points on the checklist were missed? Which ones could you have spent more time on?

Remember communication isn’t a science it’s an art. So practice, practice, practice!

With much love and a commitment to your success,
Beth and Neill

Are there relationships in your life that aren’t going the way you want them to? Are you trying your best but things don’t seem to change? If so… Relationship intelligence includes knowing exactly what you want, and then knowing how to create a conscious intention that will help you get it.

Do Intentions Really Affect Your Relationships?

The short answer is yes! Intentions are a simple yet powerful tool that you can use to set your desires in motion.

You might want a more peaceful and harmonious relationship with one of your parents. Maybe you want to create more connection and trust with someone you love. Perhaps you crave a more supportive relationship with your boss; or maybe, after work, you want more fun and connection with friends. You can create an intention for any relationship that you would like to improve.

But What Are Conscious Intentions?

Whether or not you are aware of it, you have an intention every time you interact with someone. Even an unconscious intention can be sensed by others, and if they sense that you are dissatisfied with the relationship, they will often take this personally and interpret whatever you do as criticism.

Unfortunately, when this happens it creates more problems, the opposite of what you actually want–a better relationship.

If you’re dissatisfied with any relationship in your life, we suggest that–before you spend another moment with that person–you create a conscious intention for your relationship.

Relationship Intelligence Starts with You

Decide what qualities you want in the relationship, and then use these qualities to create your conscious intention. Use positive language to word your intention.

Here are some examples: “I intend to have more fun and adventure with my spouse,” or “I intend to create a relationship based on connecting and having fun with my sister.”

Don’t write an intention about what you don’t want, or use negative or pessimistic language. Avoid sentences like, “I don’t want my mother to nag me anymore.”

Notice that conscious intentions are expressed as values, or qualities of life. Since what you focus your attention on grows, if you spend a few minutes every day reading your intentions out loud, they are more likely to happen.

Do Intentions Really Work?

Try them out and see! Pick a few relationships in your life where you would like to see improvement. Then write down the qualities you want to experience with that person. Begin with the words, “I intend….” Make sure you express what you want in positive language.

Every day, take a few minutes to read your intentions out loud, and then notice how your relationships begin to change for the better.

As we so often say… the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

With love,
Beth and Neill

Welcome to the first of many New Age Self-Help blog posts. Our goal in this blog is to provide you with personal growth and professional development skills and techniques to help you improve relationships, increase self-esteem, support full self expression, relieve stress and reduce anger so you can lead a happy and more satisfying life.

In this post, we’d like to take the time to introduce ourselves and give you an idea of what’s important to us about these topics.

We are Beth Banning and Neill Gibson and we will both be writing posts. We each have very different styles of writing and thinking. So even though we usually end up in similar places, the roads we travel to get there can be quite different.

Neill is more analytical, abstract and typically a global-big picture kind-of-guy. Beth is more linear and typically uses more everyday language, and is definitely a glass-half-full kind of gal.

As we said in the About Us section of our blog, we believe that the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice. Our mission is to play a significant role in supporting the global evolution toward greater consciousness that supports a shift from the belief in scarcity, domination and “the survival of the fittest,” to a global culture that embraces the values of abundance, prosperity and inter-reliance–one that promotes “the evolution of everyone.”

We are confident that the most effective way for this shift to happen is one relationship at a time, beginning with the relationship we have with ourselves and then extending that shift out to the people in our lives.

Our vision for this blog is to share with you what we’ve learned along our journey. Our desire is to support you in the process.

You may find some of the information we offer in our blog will be familiar to you, while some will seem radically different than what you’ve learned in the past. You’ll probably agree with some of our opinions, be shocked by others, hopefully inspired by many, and possibly even irritated by a few.

As Buddha said:

“Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. Do not believe anything because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything because it is written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and the benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.”

Whatever your reaction or response, our goal is to offer ideas that promote conscious conversation, inspire conscious action and to create a more conscious world. We look forward to your comments and questions, and the opportunity to support you in your personal evolution and your ability to create more happiness in your life and your world.

With Love and a Commitment to Your Success,

Beth and Neill