Difficult Conversations About Tough Issues

With everything that is going on these days–the elections fast approaching, economic worries, and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan having no end in sight–you’re bound to have a lot on your mind. Are there times you’d like to talk to someone, but feel worried about bringing these topics up for fear it will end up as a debate or even an outright argument?

This fear is the result of the Us Against Them mindset that is so prevalent in our culture. Whenever we disagree with someone, this mindset leads us headlong into intense debates or arguments in order to determine who is right and who is wrong about the issue.

Creating a WE Mindset

In order to create relationships from a new perspective–what we call the We mindset–it’s critical that we start by establishing a sense of alignment.

The process of creating alignment begins by getting clear about what’s important to everyone involved–what you each value. To figure this out you can start by asking: “How do we want to treat each other during the conversation about the issue?” and then, “How can we discover what we each value, rather than just debating our opinions?”

So instead of beginning a conversation by arguing the issue–such as whether or not we need more or fewer troops in Iraq–you try to discover what values are represented by these opinions. People with either of these opinions may each value safety, support, or perhaps predictability.

Discovering Alignment in Underlying Values

That’s the interesting thing about creating alignment. When you get under people’s opinions and get to their values, you’ll find that these are often the same. And that makes it much easier to get on the same page.

Creating this initial alignment is how you start co-creating a context for discussions where everyone’s ideas are heard and valued–where the point is to exchange ideas and gain clarity, rather than prove whose opinion is right and whose opinion is wrong.

Beginning any important conversation by creating alignment paves the way for far greater satisfaction for everyone involved, and allows for the possibility of being heard and understood about what’s really important to you.

“I now see that the major shift in human evolution is from behaving like an animal struggling to survive to behaving like an animal choosing to evolve. … And to evolve, we need a new kind of thinking and a new kind of behavior, a new ethic and a new morality. It will be that of the evolution of everyone rather than the survival of the fittest.”
~Jonas Salk Quote

Alignment is crucial if you want to enjoy the benefits of the We mindset in your relationships.

Two Questions that Ease Communication

So, before you have any important conversation, STOP and ask yourself these questions: “How would I like this conversation to go?” and, “How can we get to what we value rather than just debating our opinions?” This internal clarity will help get you focused on the We mindset prior to starting the conversation.

Then, start the conversation by letting the other person know you would like to hear what’s important to them about the topic, and let them know you’d also like to he heard and understood about what’s going on for you. Ask if that kind of conversation would be enjoyable for them as well.

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

Until next time…
Beth and Neill

To learn more about creating alignment and how to have a life filled with joy and satisfaction, visit:
The Art of Conscious Connection

Dealing With Criticism from the Inside Out

Massive or minuscule, spoken or silence, big upsets or small irritations… Have you ever become aware of how much time and mental energy we spend criticizing ourselves? Or how stressed and horrible this internal criticism leaves you feeling? Criticize yourself long enough and you can end up feeling cynical and resigned about things ever being any different.

Where Did This Inner Critic Come from?

We are trained from a very young age that there are right and wrong ways to do things, and good and bad ways to act. So, when something happens, our first tendency is to decide if the action is good or bad, and who’s right or wrong. We learn this lesson so well that we end up judging ourselves in the same way. Consequently, when we do something that we don’t enjoy, or someone else is dissatisfied with us, we judge ourselves in the same way–as inappropriate, selfish, rude and our actions as unacceptable, uncaring, or any number of other labels.

All these internal judgments become our constant companions, our inner critic.

We have gotten so good at criticizing ourselves, we tend to miss seeing the reality of what’s happening. When we keep our attention focused on blaming, judging, and criticizing ourselves, it keeps us from being able to see just the facts of the situation. It becomes impossible for us to separate the reality from all our judgments and stories about what has happened.

“There is a gap or a space between stimulus and response, and the key to both our growth and happiness is how we use that space.”
~ Steven Covey

What Is the Hidden Gift Your Inner Critic Is Trying to Give You?

Believe it or not it is possible to hear every inner criticism as an opening–a gift–to discover what’s deeply important to you and an opportunity to get in action creating things the way you want them to be?

We believe that every criticism is an unfinished articulation of a deeply held value. Your inner critic can actually be the keys to your happiness. Once you have the skills, you can use your tricky little jail keeper to unlock the judgments holding your values captive.

“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.”
~ Abraham Lincoln

Five Keys that Release Your Inner Critic and allow him or her to become Your Inner Guide

1) Download our free Values worksheet to help you identify what you value.
http://www.focusedattention.com/resources/resources.htm

2) The next time you notice yourself criticizing something you’ve done, stop and ask yourself, “How would I describe what happened if I didn’t have any criticism or judgments about it?” You can do this by pretending you are a video camera, what would the camera see?

3) Using the Values worksheet, identify what’s important to you that are missing from the situation. Some examples would include statements like: “I really want to have more FUN when I visit my family” or “I’m so tense and I want to feel more at PEACE when I come home after work.”

4) Ask yourself, “How would this situation be different if what was important to me–what I value–was present in the situation?”

5) Finally, ask yourself, “What can – I – do in this moment to help create what I want most in this situation?”

Live What You Value and You Shall Experience a Life You Love

Practicing these steps will support you in gently releasing your inner critic and allow your inner guide to blossom.

Being able to create who you are from your values is one of the outcomes people experience as a result of doing our courses. If you’re ready to learn how to do this for yourself and discover additional personal growth skills , sign up for our complementary thought provoking and motivational Weekly Action Tips eMail series at: http://www.FocusedAttention.com/cmd.php?ad=317928

Each tip offers practical advice for creating and living the life you really want.

Or visit us at: http://www.FocusedAttention.com

With love and light,
Beth

What’s your perception?

Are you sure it’s a “dog-eat-dog” world and you better “look out for number one” at all costs? What if everyone could get what they want at no one else’s expense? What would the world be like then?

In most modern culture, competition is encouraged as the best way to get ahead. We’re taught early on that “winning” brings success, while “losing” is a mark of disgrace. But the dilemma is, if one person is winning, then someone else is guaranteed to be losing.

Competition results from the belief that there’s not enough to go around–if others get what they want, I can’t get what I want. While the idea of competition is so deep-seated that it appears to be the that we breathe, luckily that’s not true. We have the choice to behave creatively. In contrast to competition, a creative perspective is based on thinking strategically with the goal of finding options that everyone can be happy with.

“Creativity often consists of merely turning up what is already there.”
~Bernice Fitz-Gibbon

Imagine that creating is like having a blank canvas, where you can produce effective communication and craft solutions that will satisfy everyone. Think about how much more enjoyable life would be if everyone was working toward the same goal. With a little practice and effort, we can re-train ourselves to think in terms of creating rather than competing.

Give it a go for yourself…identify a competitive situation in your life and readjust your thinking to view it from a creative perspective. Look for solutions that will satisfy everyone involved and take action toward making them happen.

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.
Until next week…

With Love,

Beth and Neill

To learn more about how to craft creative solutions, read our article:
The Negotiation Dance

Busy Busy Busy

With as busy as we’ve been lately, we’ve decided that it’s time to take a break. next week, we’re off to Ojai California for a quiet relaxing week away. Yippee!

We are feeling extraordinarily grateful that we’re able to take this time for ourselves. Things just fell into place. We easily found someone to take care of mom, son Spenser is beginning to fend for himself :-), and we have support holding down the business fort while we’re away.

If you’re anything like we are, taking time for yourself isn’t always possible. home and business responsibilities may keep us from taking the needed rest, relaxation and playtime we so often need.

At those times how do you experience relief?

That’s why today we’d like to share an article with you from a terrific blog we found.

Zen Habits is one of the top blogs on the Internet, and covers: achieving goals, productivity, being organized, GTD, motivation, eliminating debt, saving, getting a flat stomach, eating healthy, simplifying, living frugal, parenting, happiness and successfully implementing good habits.

This particular blog post covers ways to find daily silence, which supports us in creating our–oh so needed–rest relaxation and fun.

Enjoy!

The Sound of Silence/

http://zenhabits.net

With love and a commitment to your success,
Beth and Neill