Do you start to question yourself and your relationships when others get angry or frustrated around you? Does other people’s irritation or their temper tantrum cause you to lose sight of your needs and values?

Whether it’s a minor annoyance or full blown rage, it is critical that you remember:
“It is NOT all about you.”

Other people’s feelings are not really about you at all.

“Don’t’ take it personally!”

Remembering this is definitely easier said than done. Especially when someone else is really upset and telling you that everything is your fault.

The trick to keep in mind is the understanding that everything everybody does is driven by the desire to meet their personal needs and to experience what they value.

Everything!

“Let us take things as we find them: let us not attempt to distort them into what they are not. We cannot make facts. All our wishing cannot change them. We must use them.”
~ John Henry Cardinal Newman

Take time to reflect on exactly what it is that the other person values that they are not getting. This is what’s stimulating their anger. When you figure this out it will be much easier to follow the advice:

“Don’t take it personally!”

Are you one of those people who take wonderful care of others and constantly puts your own needs at the bottom of the priority list? if so, do you really think you can continue taking care of anything very well–in your career or your relationships–if you don’t take care of your own needs?  Of course not! Here is a [tag-tec]natural stress relief tip[/tag-tec] you can start using today.

Unrealistic expectations
lead to ineffective action

Be mindful of getting too caught up in being constantly busy and constantly attending to the needs of others. You must take care of yourself-this includes sleeping well, eating properly, exercising, relaxing, and making sure that you have a comfortable balance between helping others and taking care of yourself.

If you have been neglecting yourself lately, now is the time to begin to make some changes that will bring you more peace, harmony, and some relief.

Identify at least one thing you can do to bring more of this peace and harmony into your life right now. Then continue this process by focusing your attention on other ways to keep peace and harmony in the forefront.

Slow it down

Once you slow down from the constant frenzy of a busy life, you will start to find yourself on the path to contentment.

People, like nails, lose their effectiveness when they lose direction and begin to bend.
~Walter Savage Landor

When we focus our attention on supporting ourselves, we grow. Personal growth allows us to enjoy a happy life, one that is filled with meaning and purpose. And, when we have direction we are more effective at everything we do.

Is Feeling Worried and Being Stressed-Out Tying You in Knots?

Do you lie awake at night, worrying? Does the stress of the day seem to weigh you down and control your mood, your decisions, and your life? If so, surely the amount of stress you deal with is taking its toll on you and those around you, keeping you from living the happy life you deserve. You can start to change this right now by determining the root causes of your stress. This is the first step in down the path to living a more relaxed peaceful life.

Root Cause = Fear of What’s to Come

Being afraid of what could happen in the future is a big stressor for a lot of people. You may be stressed over something as small as whether you remembered to set the timer on the coffee maker for the next morning or over an issue as important as whether peace will ever come to the Middle East.

“When I look back on all these worries I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.” ~Winston Churchill

Every time you stress over something that could possibly happen, or may never happen at all, you let future fear get the best of you. Here are a few red flag phrases you may hear in your head:

• “Do I have enough… savings to survive if I’m laid off at work?”

• “What if… she turns me down?”

• “Is that the right… doctor for my mother?”

• “How will… my children be affected by climate change?”

These thoughts may even be inhibiting your normal sleep pattern, which in turn will cause you more stress. You may soon find yourself in a worrisome cycle where lack of sleep feeds off existing stress, and new stress feeds off lack of sleep.

Root Cause = ‘Shoulda Coulda Woulda’

Another big stress provoker is concentrating on past mistakes. When you can’t forgive yourself for things that have happened in the past, you only fuel your stress.

• “I should have… studied more for that test.”

• “I could have… done something to help.”

• “I would have been… in a better position to pay for my kids’ college if only…”

Of course, a person may have some normal regret about things they would have like to have had happened differently in the past. But, beware of falling into a worry cycle.

How to tell if You’re Caught in the Worry Cycle

Worrying about the past or the future (or both) can throw you into a worry cycle, and thoughts like those above are what will keep you there; they are the underlying source of your stress. When you’re caught in the worry cycle, you quickly become susceptible to anxiety, depression, confusion, and sadness. Stress can overtake your life at this point and you may even become worried about your constant state of worry.
As we said before, it is perfectly normal to think about the future or wish you could take back or change some things in the past; however, it becomes unhealthy when you find yourself thinking about the same subject over and over, and when you feel so strongly about that subject that it affects your mood and even your relationships.
It’s very hard to be happy when you begin to fall into a worry cycle. So be aware that anytime you start to feel uncomfortable and find yourself thinking about something over and over again the cycle has probably begun.

Setting Yourself Free From the Worry Cycle

Just as with any pattern or habit, it will be difficult to break the worry cycle. This is because worrying has become familiar to you at this point and it probably starts without you even being aware you’re doing it. Fortunately, we have some effective strategies that will help you kick this stressful habit forever.

These next three steps will help you create a new habit that will diminish your stress levels almost immediately:

Step One: Be aware of your feelings. Our feelings are indicators of how well our actions are corresponding with what we value. When we feel stressed, scared, sad, or any other related feelings, our emotions signal to us that something we value is lacking in our lives. Learn what these signals feel like so you can correct the situation before you fall into a worry cycle.

Step Two: Find out what you value. In step one, you learned to be aware of your feelings so you’ll know when something you value is lacking. In order to correct the situation, you must know what that value is so you can satisfy it.

Step Three: Do something! You always have options for taking action in a situation. When you take an active role in the situation, you will feel more in control and you’ll have less time to stress.

Determining the root cause of your stress and following these simple steps will support you in taking back control of your mood, your decisions, and your life. Congratulations, you’re well on your way to living a more relaxed and peaceful life.

with love,
Beth and Neill

[tag-tec]Happiness [/tag-tec]Is Within Your Reach

Do you want to be happier than you are at this moment? If so,  Have you spent any time thinking about what exactly it is that prevents you from [tag-tec]being truly happy[/tag-tec]?  Don’t wait any longer, true happiness is only two conscious steps away.

Too many people count on others when they are pursuing happiness. We often expect that others will be the ones to make us happy, but, really, it is something we have to create ourselves. Instead of thinking that others should be nicer, more generous, more sensitive, or more whatever, we need to realize that the choice is our own if we want to be happy. Stop trying to change other people, and start making the only changes that will–in reality–make you happy.

You can have [tag-tec]happiness in any relationship[/tag-tec]; the key is in your hands

When you spend your time and energy trying to fix other people, you actually cause additional problems and end up becoming less happy. More often than not the person you are trying to change becomes irritated, and gets defensive about you attempt to “fix” something about them. Then you are left feeling aggravated, out of control, powerless and more unhappy than before.

This is because most of us think that in order for us to ever really [tag-tec]be happy[/tag-tec], someone else has to change.  It’s Not True. The truth is, how you interpret what the other person says or does is the most beneficial thing to start changing.

Remember that what you focus your attention on grows. When you focus on how unhappy someone else is making you, you will essentially become more and more aware of how unhappy you are. It will become the thing that you notice most in your life.

As an example, do you live with someone that come home and scatter all of their belongings-their shoes, coat, keys, books, etc.-in a trail of debris throughout the house marking their course behind them? This most likely would be incredibly irritating to most people. If this sounds familiar, it probably leads you to constantly ask, “Why don’t you pick up after yourself?” You might end up spending a lot of time focusing on this problem. This causes you to notice every little thing that is left lying around and the problem just becomes even more irritating.

Don’t try to teach a pig to sing – it’s a waste of time and annoys the pig

Have you noticed that the constant nagging and reminders doesn’t actually lead to having them pick up their stuff? They still do it, day after day. Nothing changes except for your level of irritation-which grows. You are headed in the wrong direction-not toward happiness, that’s for sure.

To the person you live with, you just sound like a nag. They stop caring about the nagging and often end up completely ignoring you. The trail of litter still doesn’t get picked up. And you focus more and more on it.

What’s the secret to changing this pattern and becoming happier?

• Step one is to reinterpret the situation.
• Step two is developing the ability to focus your attention on what you enjoy.

These two steps are the fastest and easiest way to get yourself on the path to true happiness in your life.

For instance, if the person you live with comes home and spreads their belongings around the house, ask yourself the question: “what might be so important to this person that they would leave their stuff just lying around the house?”

You might guess that they just want things to be easy or have the freedom to do what they want–not being told what to do could be very important to them. Then try to begin and end each day reminding yourself of what you DO enjoy about your life with this person. Take some time to focus your attention on the happiness that you do already enjoy, and change your focus-away from the problems.

Perhaps thinking of it as an emotional “bank account” is a good analogy.  If you take each of your thoughts and make a deposit into your emotional “bank account,” then what you deposit will grow. Now, if you are consistently depositing negative thoughts and feelings, then these will grow. But, if you are depositing positive and happy thoughts, and reminders of the things you enjoy and that make you happy, then these things will grow.

Create a bank full of thankful

Take some time to notice the things that make you happy. Focus on the happiness that you can find in each moment. Then, if you remember to focus your attention on that happiness, it grows-if we go back to the bank account analogy, think of it as “compound interest.”  Instead of assuming that the slobs you live with don’t care about you, put yourself in their place and ask yourself what might be going on with them and then be thankful for the little things that they DO bring to your life. Perhaps a smile, your child’s laugh, enjoying a meal together, or even shopping (for the things that will be later left on the floor) can be things that make you happy.

Reminding yourself to be grateful for the little things can make a huge difference in your life. Deposit happy, positive thoughts into your emotional bank account and watch your happiness grow. Discovering authentic happiness is truly up to you, it is a choice that you can make. Start focusing on saving up your happiness and you will have happiness now.

Feeling a little stressed out?

During the holidays it tends to get a little stressful, so we decided to relieve our stress by searching the Web for funny holiday videos. We found a few we thought were quite funny and wanted to share them with you. Enjoy!

Sierra Mist Holiday Hawk

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Not the kiss you’d expect under the mistletoe…

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Dutch couple on holiday (commercial)

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Christmas light music show… how do it know?

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Beware of the Doghouse- Hilarious and pathetic at the same time!

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Hope these videos brought a smile to your face and made your day a little lighter.

With love,
Beth and Neill