Is “Expert Advice” Driving You Crazy?

We received a question from one of our community members.

She’d read Dr. Kevin Leman’s [tag-tec]relationship advice [/tag-tec] that opposes[tag-tec] dating after being widowed or divorced [/tag-tec] until your youngest child is at least 18 years-old, and better yet, when they are 21 or 22 and the nest is empty.

Now, this is a youthful, 50-ish woman with children far from leaving the nest, so this would mean a very long wait for her.

After reading Leman’s opinion she became very discouraged and asked if we agreed that she should wait years before seeking companionship. What is a healthy person supposed to do when they long for companionship and the “expert” says forget about it?

Our Thoughts on the Matter

As soon as we read this we knew this blog post was needed. It’s not uncommon for people to wonder what to do when an expert’s opinion seems so at odds with their own. We’ve run into this before in relation to the advice of other experts–and our answer is always the same.

One saying we love is: The shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice. But you can’t make conscious choices–even about what you hear from the experts–unless you’re very clear about what’s deeply important to YOU.

Opinions Are Like Armpits

Why? Everyone has more than one and they tend to stink if you’re not careful with them.

What we mean by being careful with your opinions is that you are conscious of them, how you’ve come to hold them as true for you, and whether or not they serve you and others in your life.

Everyone has lots of opinions, and we all generate new ones all the time. We are opinion generating machines!

Every expert focuses on particular areas that are very important to them–areas they care about deeply. This has them come up with specific strategies to help themselves and others experience what is important to them about these areas.

Dr. Leman must deeply values particular things that caused him to come up with the strategy: Don’t date after the loss of the mate until the youngest child is at least 18.

This strategy may work great for you–or it may not work for you at all. But you can’t know whether it might work for you unless you know what you hope to create in life at a core level, both with your children and with an intimate companion.

Once you understand this, there may be many other strategies that will allow you to experience what’s important to you that don’t prevent you from dating.

So What Is “Our Opinion”?

Our opinion is that you are your own highest authority. You are best served by looking within to discover what you value most about each aspect of this rather complicated situation. One way to do this is to work through one of our free Values Exercise worksheet. You can find it at:
http://www.focusedattention.com/store/thank-you/free_Values_Exercise_registration.htm

In this case we would suggest that you do a separate Values Worksheet for each aspect of the situation that’s important to you: your relationship with each child, what you hope for from an intimate relationship, etc. Then read our special report about creating conscious intentions. To find it go to:
http://www.focusedattention.com/eZine/FAI-eZine0905_Unconscious_Intentions_Running_Your_Life.htm

Then, while keeping all of the various opinions and advice you’ve received in mind, choose which strategies would work best to help you experience what you value most. After doing this, it may turn out that Dr. Leman’s approach would work best for you, or you may come up with strategies that seem more appropriate for what you want to create in your life.

But you can’t know for sure until you hear from the most important expert–YOU!

Trust yourself. You are your own best expert. The rest of us are only here to support, suggest, and offer our ideas and strategies. The rest is up to you–and that’s the good news. 🙂

With much love and respect for who you are,
Beth and Neill

Alignment – Out of the Auto Shop and Into the Office

Last time you got your car tuned up, the mechanic probably talked to you about alignment. If you want to get the most performance out of your car, it’s important that your tires are all moving in the same direction and working together. Turns out that what is true for cars is also true for [tag-tec]effective business communication[/tag-tec]. [tag-tec]Business relationships[/tag-tec] will be most successful when everyone is aligned and moving in the same direction toward a mutual goal.

Alignment goes beyond just improving your [tag-tec]communication skills[/tag-tec] or trying a new listening technique. Truly [tag-tec]effective communication[/tag-tec], whether it’s for business or some other interaction where you and others are working to create the best outcome, begins with alignment.

We Are All Inter-Connected

Here’s another way to look at it: generally we go about our own business, trying to achieve our personal results. We forget how inter-connected we are with other people. Our interconnections limit how far we can get toward our own desired result. With alignment, we share the same vision with our interconnected partners. We are much more likely to reach the desired outcome. Alignment opens the way for greater success and mutual satisfaction.

Start with Personal Alignment

The first step to creating alignment with someone else, is identifying, and expressing, what you feel is most important to you about the outcome you want. Here is where you’ll need to figure out the underlying values that support the outcome you hope for. Maybe you would like people in the office to show up 15 minutes before the start of a meeting. Searching for the hidden value might make you realize that consideration is very important to you, or you maybe you highly value preparedness. Don’t forget, no matter what the desired outcome, underneath something you value is motivating you to want that outcome.

Aligning with Others

Now that you recognize your own underlying values, you need to figure out what the other person or the group values. This is a discovery process so start by expressing the values you’ve realized are critical to you in your work environment. Find out how important those things are to the other people involved. Would your partner or partners be willing to search for ways to create that kind of environment? In the process of aligning your values, you are creating a shared vision. If you state your shared vision it might be something like increasing effectiveness, or enhancing productivity or working together more harmoniously. When you have defined your shared vision, you can start to discuss strategies to achieve the desired results.

Things to Remember for the Alignment Discussion:

Try to keep the alignment conversation as action-free as possible. This is a beginning phase, so you might want to start by agreeing with the other person that you will not get bogged down with the specifics of what you want or how you’re going to get what you want.

Once your shared vision is established, you will have plenty of time to discuss how to reach your goals. Before you begin, agree that talking about the failures of the past isn’t effective during this phase. (Examining the past can be useful because it might help you to understand values that may have been lacking, but avoid assigning fault or using it to justify your skepticism.)

Here are some other valuable pieces to add to the conversation:

A commitment to stay away from negative criticism or judgments;
An openness to explore strategies that you both can agree on;
An agreement to celebrate all wins that result from this conversation.

Now that you are sharing the same vision and you’re working toward the same outcome, the big picture becomes clear. Alignment makes it easier to produces results that are enjoyable for everyone.

With a shared vision, everyone will be traveling along the road of cooperation and teamwork with far fewer potholes than you encountered before. Alignment leads to increased productivity and result in rewarding outcomes for everyone involved.

We would love to hear what you think. Please comment below.

When Does 50 Plus 50 Still Equal 50?

Do you want your [tag-tec]relationships[/tag-tec] to be fair–where everyone does their part and shares in the benefits equally? Have you ever heard it said that for a relationship to work, it has to be 50/50

Many people today believe the myth that happiness and satisfaction come from 50/50 relationships. In these relationships, people contribute equally– each doing their 50%– to make them work. You can spot people who believe this myth in all kinds of relationships: between friends, romantic partners, family members and business colleagues. Belief in this myth is a major reason why people find themselves dissatisfied and frustrated about their relationships.

Why? Because if we expect the other person to do their 50% and they don’t do it, we’re disappointed and upset. As soon as one person starts keeping score to make sure the other person is doing their 50%, it becomes very difficult to have a relationship that’s happy and satisfying.

We suggest that you stop spending your time making sure the other person is completing their 50% and instead, start being 100% responsible for your happiness and satisfaction in the relationship.

100% Responsible

We know this is a radical idea, but when we pass on the responsibility for our satisfaction and control of our feelings to anyone or anything “out there”, we limit our power and the possibilities for our happiness. We may want to be happy, but we’ve put our happiness in the hands of other people.

Being 100% responsible means you never give up, and never give in on anything that is important to you. If something is missing in your relationship, what can you do to make sure you get it? If something’s happening in your relationship you don’t like, what can you do to change how it’s happening?

Don’t ever leave your ability to have a[tag-tec] satisfying relationship[/tag-tec] in anyone else’s hands. If true happiness in all your relationships is what you’re looking for, start creating 100% relationships with yourself and others today.

This week… Any time you notice yourself checking whether the other person is doing their 50%, stop and identify what’s happening now that you’re not enjoying, what it is that you do want to happen, and figure out one thing you can do to start experiencing what you want.
Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

We would love to hear from you, what do you think [tag-tec]creates a great relationship[/tag-tec]?

Effective Confrontation Control

Are you a “[tag-tec]confrontation[/tag-tec] avoider”? Do you find that you will settle for things that do not satisfy you, just to avoid a possible conflict with someone?

What if you could learn to handle confrontation more effectively and find satisfying solutions to any conflicts? Chances are you would be much happier, right?

Learning how to effectively [tag-tec]deal with confrontation [/tag-tec]may not be an easy task. But, avoiding conflicts can lead to even more serious underlying problems.

When you begin avoiding confrontation, you often start to worry about where the next confrontation will be–spending more and more energy worrying about avoiding them. Worry leads to anxiety and physical tension, and then not only do you end up with emotional issues but, physical ones as well.

What’s the First Step Towards Relief ?

Finding a way to[tag-tec] deal with confrontation proactively[/tag-tec] is the first step that will lead to a more peaceful and happy life.

Before you do anything else, we suggest that you reinterpret your ideas about confrontation, and learn to see it as an opportunity rather than an obstacle.

“Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict.” ~ William Ellery Channing

Reinterpret Confrontation?

In order to do this, it’s important to really understand what confrontation is. The dictionary defines confrontation as: “a disharmony resulting from a clash of ideas or opinions.” Confrontation takes place anytime people are opposed to each other’s opinions or objectives.

Conflicts don’t happen merely because people have differing thoughts, goals, or opinions, because there will always be people who have different goals and opinions!

Confrontation only crops up when one or both parties view these as “opposing” ideas or believe that their ideas “clash with the other persons.”

Because folks will always have different opinions, the only way to truly avoid or ward off a “confrontation” is to perceive at it from a different viewpoint.

What’s the Alternative?

Here’s an another meaning of “confrontation:” to bring face-to-face. When you recognize that there will always be some people that have different opinions than you, you can begin to relax and see opportunities to meet people face-to-face.

When you begin handling confrontation in a more creative way, you are less likely to defend your position or attack the other person. You’ll be more relaxed and open to exploring the situation and discover solutions that are satisfying for everyone.

You can begin by asking yourself this question: “When I encounter people with different points of view, how can I handle the situation creatively and improve myself at the same time?”

By staying away from conflict you are also running away from opportunities for self-improvement, collaboration, and new understandings, because these are the benefits you’ll get from genuinely meeting someone face-to-face.

Everybody feels the affects of stress, and most people are often searching for ways to find stress relief. Finding [tag-tec]happiness [/tag-tec]and eliminating stress has many benefits, including physical, emotional, and mental benefits. A healthy lifestyle is one that helps a person manage stress effectively.[tag-tec] Happiness is a choice[/tag-tec], and many people just don’t realize this. Recognizing any unhealthy thought patterns and changing them can have remarkable effects on your life.

Do Your Pets Make You Feel Happier?

Interestingly enough, the population of pets in America is almost double the population of people in the country. Estimates suggest there are nearly 400 million pets owned by Americans. Owning a pet is considered a terrific way to reduce stress; there are many physical and mental health benefits to the companionship of a loving pet. Having a pet can lower blood pressure, improve cholesterol levels, and make a person more relaxed, happier and healthy overall.

However…..there are some pets that are not as good for you…..

What Kind Of Pets Do NOT Make Good Companions?

Did you know owning certain kinds of pets can actually harm you? These pets can harm you mentally as well as physically, and are usually not recommended as good way to relieve stress. Any pet that can cause pain or stress is probably one to be avoided. Right?

People just don’t generally keep pets when they are dangerous. Having a pet porcupine is not something that is very common. There are plenty of reasons for this, beginning with the fact that you can’t cuddle up and enjoy the companionship of a porcupine. Most people prefer pets that are cuddly and soft, or playful, or offer some degree of love in return for the love and care you provide.

There is one kind of dangerous pet that most people keep at least one of. Wondering what type of pet that is? Your pet peeves.

Most people have at least one of these pets, and some people seem to have tons of them. These are the kinds of pets that cause us tremendous harm-whether we are having peeves about taxes, waiting in line, slow drivers, loud children, neighborhood functions, or whatever we can come up with. Pet peeves cost us energy and happiness, regardless of the breed.

How Much Do Your Pet Peeves Cost You?

Pet peeves are expensive to maintain. It’s the kind of pet that the more attention you pay to it, the worse it becomes. You will become more upset and angry with every bit of energy you devote to your pet peeve.

It seems so simple, to just let those pet peeves go and release some of the pain and frustration that they cause. Keeping that pet peeve close by means you are complaining more about whatever it is that is bugging you, and that just cannot lead to good things in your life.

Where Does Complaining Get You?

Complaining just doesn’t really get you anywhere. It’s like blowing dust off of a table, it has to land somewhere and you will just have to clean it up again later.

When you focus your attention on complaining, you will notice what’s annoying you more and more. It has been said that a pet peeve is merely an opportunity to complain that is seldom missed. This is really a way to actively seek unhappiness.

Focusing on pet peeves does not make them go away. In fact, usually complaining about them only makes them bigger and more irritating. Complaining about slow drivers then leads to complaining about slow cashiers and then leads to complaining about long waits in your doctor’s office. Focusing your attention on one pet peeve only serves to bring out more and make them all more magnified and pronounced. This is not a good experience for anyone-not for you or for your listeners.

Complaining about your pet peeves might seem like a good way to vent your frustrations, but it will be unlikely to leave you feeling more peaceful or relieved. It is the kind of complaining that doesn’t get anything done-complaining about a long wait in a cashier’s line doesn’t make it any shorter.

Let Them Go… Let Them Go…

“Some people seem to go through life standing at the complaint counter.” ~ Fred Propp Jr.

Letting go of your pet peeves, setting them free to live on their own in the wild, if you will, is not done so that the pets will be happier. Those kinds of pets will never be happy anyway. Letting them go is a necessary action so that we can be happier. Anyone that has let go of their pet peeves will vouch for this.

People want to[tag-tec] be happy[/tag-tec], though, even if pet peeves don’t. Committing yourself to a happy life and working toward experiencing more happiness is an active process that takes conscious effort on your part. But that effort is definitely worthwhile.

But How Do You Set Them Free?

Wondering what the fastest and easiest way is to set your pet peeves free and find more peace and happiness in your life? Work on focusing your attention on the positive things. Experience gratitude. Enjoy your life. Perhaps this sounds overly simplified, and it might be easier said than done-at least at the beginning. But once you get going toward happiness, the process feeds itself and you will become happier and happier, the more you focus on that.

Happiness Breeds Happiness

Stop allowing your pet peeves to take up any more of your precious time. Focus on developing what you enjoy, and focus on the steps you are taking toward happiness. You have emotional reserves, like a bank account, and you need to keep some currency in this account. Every positive event you experience, every piece of happiness, needs to be deposited into this “account” so that you can draw from this instead of focusing any attention on your pet peeves.

Don’t allow any pet peeves to make withdrawals from this emotional bank account.
Any time you feel frustrated by one of your pet peeves, take a moment to focus your attention on something more positive. Turn that energy into thanks and gratitude for something good you have in your life.

Whatever you choose to focus your attention on is what will grow. Make sure that you take the time to focus on the positives, and let those pet peeves be set free once and for all. Pet peeves are truly not the kind of pets that anyone wants-most pets provide comfort, joy, and companionship, and pet peeve only bring irritation and frustration.

Happiness really is a choice that you can make for yourself. Remember to keep your bank filled with thanks, instead of complaints. And the next time you’re looking to adopt a pet, make sure it’s the soft cuddly kind.