Is More Self Esteem Really the Issue?

Tag: Personal Growth,Self EsteemBeth and Neill

Am I Good Enough?

self-esteem contemplation

Are you concerned that you’re not really good enough to achieve what you want– that you don’t really deserve to be happy? if this sounds familiar, then the first step is to determine what prevents you from having high self-esteem in the first place.

We believe so many people have low self-esteem because most of us grown up in cultures that use rewards and punishment as a way to get us to behave the way others want us to. As we grow up in this system we end up developing certain beliefs about ourselves. As we focus on these beliefs, we have experiences that reinforce these limiting beliefs which in turn create negative habitual thinking patterns about ourselves.

It’s the same as when you want a new car, as soon as you pick the exact model you want you begin to notice that car everywhere.

It’s no different when you focus your attention on yourself. If you think there’s no way you’re good enough to get what you want, it’s guaranteed you’ll notice yourself not being good enough to get what you want again and again.

Experience the Difference

These negative beliefs you create about yourself, prevent you from having confidence in what you can achieve. They also dramatically limit the possibilities you have about what you can do and who you see yourself to be. As you become more and more conscious of these limiting beliefs, the sooner you’re able to create more of what you want in your life. This is how you raise self-esteem–by having experiences that prove you are competent and able to achieve what you set out to do.

Power Up Your Self-Confidence and Self-Esteem Today!

Today, start paying attention to what you’re thinking. Anytime you feel uncomfortable, Ask yourself the question: “What negative belief is preventing me from enjoying this moment?” if you find one… start focusing your attention on something you enjoy in the situation, even if it’s something small. Because what you focus your attention on will grow.

Our goal is to support you in creating a life you love. We know we’re not the only ones with great ideas or have found ways that might support you. For this reason, from time to time we introduce you to others and their posts that we’ve enjoyed and think you might as well.

Here are a few other people talking about self-esteem and what they’ve discovered. Enjoy!

With love,

Beth

The Problem With Building High Self Esteem – But the problem that we describe as “low self esteem” is actually a fear that we aren’t really worthy. It’s about feelings of low self worth. And that’s why we react so strongly and with such emotion. Healthy self esteem is the ability …

Living Passionately Radio Show – 09/04/08 Episode – 7 Steps to Rebuilding your Self-Esteem after Divorce – The reason for and the process of divorce is as varied as the shape of snowflakes. There is however a commonality among most divorce survivors – low self-esteem. …

How To Battle Low Self-Esteem – Voice blog post on Snapvine.com.

Building Confidence and Self Esteem in Children – Building Confidence and Self Esteem in Children There are two things that go hand in hand making who the person is today. These are confidence and self esteem. If the person is unaware of one’s potential or what he or she can become, …


The Fear of Taking Responsibility

Why don’t people fess up when they’ve done something “wrong”?

In our work, we believe that fear of taking responsibility is a result of being “Domesticated”. We define Domestication as any Training Process that uses a system of punishments and rewards to accomplish its goals.

We enjoy how [tag-tec]Don Miguel Ruiz[/tag-tec] describes this in his book [tag-tec]The Four Agreements[/tag-tec].
“Children are domesticated the same way that we domesticate a dog, a cat, or any other animal. In order to teach a dog we punish the dog and we give it rewards. We train our children whom we love so much the same way that we train any domesticated animal: with a system of punishment and reward.

We are told, “You’re a good boy or girl,” when we do what Mom and Dad want us to do. When we don’t, we are “a bad girl or boy.”

When we went against the rules we were punished; when we went along with the rules we got a reward. We were punished many times a day, and we were also rewarded many times a day. Soon we became afraid of being punished and also afraid of not receiving the reward.”

Becoming an Auto-Domesticated Animal

The domestication is now so strong that at a certain point we no longer need anyone to domesticate us. We don’t need parents, the school, or the church to domesticate us. We are so well trained that we become Auto-Domesticated animals.”

We can now domesticate ourselves according to the same system of punishment and reward. We [tag-tec]punish ourselves[/tag-tec] when we don’t follow the rules according to our belief system; we reward ourselves when we are “good boys and girls.”

We’ve all grown up in this Auto-Domesticating culture.
(see the work of [tag-tec]Riane Eisler[/tag-tec]: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Riane_Eisler
and [tag-tec]Walter Wink[/tag-tec]: http://www.walterwink.com/books.html)

Our culture practices judging whether we are good or bad, right or wrong, appropriate or inappropriate, worthy of reward or deserve punishment …

[tag-tec]Integrity[/tag-tec] vs. [tag-tec]Morality[/tag-tec]

This causes people to confuse Integrity with Morality. We define Integrity as: Being true to your [tag-tec]Chosen Values[/tag-tec] and your Highest Self, vs. Morality, which is: judging the rightness or wrongness of something according to Culturally Learned moral standards. Morality is the practice of judging what’s good or bad, right or wrong, appropriate or inappropriate, worthy of reward or deserves punishment.

In this culture people get Integrity & Morality mixed up so they believe that failing to act as others expect will cause them to be judged as Bad and Wrong, or worthy of punishment. So people fear the [tag-tec]punishment[/tag-tec] that will follow from the judgments of others such as: How irresponsible / inconsiderate / selfish / stupid … or What a jerk / creep / idiot, and so on.

In this situation it’s no wonder there are so few souls willing to martyr themselves to the consequences of these moralistic judgments.

What Would You Prefer?

Given all this, it seems to us that the more important questions are: How do we move from a culture where we try and control people’s actions through fear of punishment and desire for rewards to one where we elicit the actions we want from others by engaging in a compassionate dialogue that is focused on gaining clarity about everyone’s needs in a situation (such as one where someone has acted “irresponsibly”), thereby eliciting a sincere agreement to participate together in a way that serves the highest good of everyone involved?

And as an important prerequisite: How can we gain the level of [tag-tec]Values Intelligence[/tag-tec] needed to focus our attention on maintaining integrity with what is most important to us (at the essential, core, “spiritual” level) rather than being driven by our culturally learned, habitual thinking?

So (as a shamelessly self-promoting plug) if you find these questions intriguing you may be interested to know that much of our work is dedicated to finding practical and effective answers to these last two questions.


Self-Esteem and the Impact of Punishment and Rewards

Tag: Happiness,Personal Growth,Self EsteemNeill Gibson

We just received this comment from a school counselor registered for our Weekly Tips eMail Series about the message titled If Only I Had More Self Esteem.  She had read the book, Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn, and wrote asking, “He too is against punishments and rewards. Would you be able to go into more detail as to how it affects our beliefs about ourselves?”

I wrote back that we are always encouraged to hear from those in the education field who are helping children learn a more sustainable cultural paradigm.

One thing we’ve learned along the way is never to be against anything. And so we are not in fact against the use of punishments and rewards.

Rather, we are for people learning how to remain intrinsically motivated by their most deeply held values in the midst of a culture that seems to help people forget this innate ability.

We believe the antidote is learning to identify and stay connected to what we most deeply value, and to help others do the same. These skills are essential if we are to avoid compromise (which we have heard and believed is the root of all violence) and instead develop strategies that will actually bring us what we value, and will accomplish this in ways that are satisfying for everyone involved.

To learn a little bit more about our take on self-esteem read our article:

Self-Esteem… How to Turn I’m Not Good Enough, into I’m Un-Stoppable
http://www.focusedattention.com/articles/Self_Esteem.htm

As far as her question about how being raised in a culture that uses punishments and rewards affects our beliefs about ourselves: we believe the biggest impact is in the area of whether we become intrinsically or extrinsically motivated–whether we know what’s important us or simply do as we are told.

Here’s a brief excerpt from our online seminar, The Art of Conscious Connection, where it talks a little bit about the impact of using a system of punishments and rewards.

Just as in dog training, when we were young, and we did something an adult enjoyed, we heard words like this: “What a good boy (or good girl) you are.” When we did what we were asked we were rewarded. When we went against what we were asked to do, we were punished.

This was repeated over and over each day. Each time we did something “good” we were rewarded and each time we did something “bad” we were punished. Soon we turned into scared little boys and girls, afraid of being punished and also afraid of not receiving the praise and rewards.

Being “domesticated” becomes a way of life. As we grow, our domestication no longer requires any outside influence. Our parents, our schools, and our churches no longer need to domesticate us. We learned our lesson and are very well trained. We are now auto-domesticating.

We continue the domestication process by punishing ourselves when we don’t follow the social rules we were taught. We say things like: “how stupid,” and “I should’ve known better than that, what an idiot I am.” We also continue to reward ourselves if we are “good boys” and “good girls.”

We are now well-equipped to continue our traditions and train our own children to become auto-domesticated animals.

Again, we believe that this training teaches us to look outside of ourselves to know whether or not we are valued or are valuable. It disconnects us from our ability to listen to that still small voice of individuality and creativity within us that makes us human, and not simply a machine obeying the dictates of authority. Any review history will find it littered with the atrocities carried out by those who are unwilling to question authority.

Personally, we believe that this is an incredibly abundant world, filled with all the resources and intelligence needed to solve any problem that we face if we simply have the skills needed to discover what is most deeply important to us and those around us, and the faith that we will discover a strategy that will deliver this to us if we search for it long enough in dialogue.

This is probably the most practical form of self-esteem we can imagine.

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice,
Neill Gibson