Do You Value the Quality of Your Relationships?

Building a Foundation for Success

We believe that the quality of our [tag-tec]relationships[/tag-tec] creates the quality of our lives. If this is true then it’s vital to know how to effectively align your needs and desires with the needs and desires of the people in your life. Without this ability, it can be difficult to maintain the quality of relationships essential for creating the kind of life you truly want.

How can you know if someone in your life is on the same page as you? Are the same things important to both of you? Do you want similar results?

Establishing alignment is an essential ingredient for successful co-creation. In life, we often go about our own business trying to achieve our own [tag-tec]goals[/tag-tec], yet we are all still interconnected. These connections put limits on how far we can get in achieving our own results without cooperation.

The process of creating genuine co-operation starts with alignment. This is a process of getting clear about what is important to everyone involved at the deepest level of their [tag-tec]core values[/tag-tec]. When you start building the alignment process on this foundation of shared values there’s less room for disconnection and disagreement.

This means making sure you establish alignment at a values level before you begin to create strategies for getting what you want.

When You Put the Cart Before the Horse

We often see people get stuck when they try to gain someone’s cooperation and they start the conversation by offering or asking for strategies. The trouble with this is that people usually have different ideas about which strategies would work best. It’s easy for disagreements about the strategies to end up sounding like judgments and justifications.

As an example, say you work in a very small office and a coworker at the next desk speaks louder than allows you to easily concentrate.

If you walked over to their desk with a strategy already in mind–such them keeping their voice down while they’re on the phone–the first thing you might hear is disagreement about how loud they are speaking or some kind of justification about why it’s important to speak with a confident tone of voice.

It’s possible to avoid the back-and-forth that is bound to ensue if you begin the conversation with a deeper level of understanding and connection. You can much more easily create the cooperation you want when you start by creating alignment around what you each value.

Why? Because at a core level we all share the same set of values and beginning a conversation by focusing our attention on these values stimulates our natural tendency for empathy and compassion.

Aligning with Success

Think about it. In this situation, wouldn’t each person want to experience consideration?

Would understanding be important to them?

Would they like to be free to make their own choices?

Do you think they’d like to be comfortable, relaxed, and free to express themselves?

Yes, of course they would, and so does everyone else.

So in this work situation, imagine having the intention to start your conversation:

  • with no agenda other than cooperating so that everyone gets what’s most important to them,
  • with an intention to first create understanding and alignment about what you each value in your ideal work situation,
  • and without attachment to any particular strategies.

If this was your intention, you might start by letting them know there is something you’d like to get on the same page about.  Then request to have a conversation where you can discuss what’s most important to each of you about your work environment and relationships with your coworkers.

In that conversation, you might explore the value you place on being able to concentrate while working and their desire to be effective during their phone calls.

When Issues Become Opportunities

The volume they use while on the phone, and your desire for concentration, can become an opportunity to get more connected and aware of each other’s values.

This quality of sharing paves the way for you to co-create strategies for working together that ensure everyone experiences more of what they want.

This is how to begin co-creating a shared vision of success. Alignment paves the way for easy agreements and satisfying results that produces far greater enjoyment for everyone involved.

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Are You Doing the “Right” Things for the “Wrong” Reasons?

Why Do You Do What You Do?

Do you ever stop to think about why you do the things you do? Are you making [tag-tec]conscious choices[/tag-tec], or are you just retracing the same patterns of behavior you learned a long time ago. Do you think you might make better choices, or be a happier person, if you knew the reasons behind your actions?

Most people learn how to “behave” at a very young age. In fact, there is a [tag-tec]self help[/tag-tec] book by author Robert Fulghum called All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten. The point of the book is that the things we learned in kindergarten–share, play fair, clean up your own mess, etc.–are still applicable in our adult lives. Seems pretty simple, right?

Not exactly…

The problem is that, although we learned these lessons, we were never taught the reasons why these things are important. For example, instead of being asked how we feel when someone shares with us, we’re told to share or else we’ll get in trouble. Because we learned to see the world through the perception of right and wrong or good and bad, we have problems as adults identifying the values that motivate our actions and behaviors. Not knowing what we value makes us vulnerable to the fear of judgment and to acting judgmentally toward others.

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”

~ Mahatma Gandhi

Consciously identifying the [tag-tec]values[/tag-tec] we hold makes it easier for us to understand where we are coming from and allows us to behave in harmony with those values.

This week, identify one thing you can do in relation to this awareness and take action. If you need support figuring out what actions you can take, click the link below.

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

Until next time…

Beth and Neill

To discover more about consciously identifying your [tag-tec]core values[/tag-tec], begin by downloading our complimentary values exercise.

Would you like to receive the entire Weekly Action Tip series? If so, we’d love to have you as part of our community! Sign Up Today

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Why You Don’t Really Want $1 Million

Tag: Personal Growth,Self Help MotivationBeth Banning

Have you ever wanted something, tried very hard to get it, only to be let down by how quickly your motivation faded? If so, you’re not alone. Many people lose their [tag-tec]self help motivation [/tag-tec]quickly, but there is good news. Here are 3 steps you can take immediately that will help you stand up, dust yourself off and [tag-tec]get back the motivation[/tag-tec] you’ve lost.

Step Number One: Expand Your View

Oftentimes when we want something, we focus on particular actions to get us there. When you focus all your energy on one specific plan, and then those actions don’t produce the results you want, you’re bound to [tag-tec]feel disappointed[/tag-tec]. And disappointment is a [tag-tec]motivation killer[/tag-tec].

There is an Alternative

Step Number Two: Become an Explorer

The best way we know of to deal with this kind of disappointment is to become an explorer by discovering your underlying values. What are you hoping to experience that had you want this particular thing in the first place?

Understanding the essence of your goal will give you a new perspective. No matter what happens you’ll be able to feel good about your efforts and start noticing that you’re probably closer to what you really want than you were before.

Let’s say your goal is to make $1 million. Please raise your hand if you’d like $1 million. Is your hand raised? if it is then, We suggest that it’s not really the $1 million that you want, and we can prove it.

If you 1-millioncouldn’t spend it would you still want a million of those little green pieces of paper?

Now let’s explore the idea of having $1 million. Figure out what you want at a core level that had you pick this goal in the first place.

Maybe you want to experience freedom. Or perhaps you’d like to be able to contribute to your family or the world in a big way. It could be that you want to feel a deep sense of satisfaction from buying your mother a new house. What ever you discover for yourself, THIS is what you really want.

This is called inspiration–and Inspiration is the best source of true and lasting[tag-tec] self help motivation[/tag-tec] that there is. As we all know motivation is essential in accomplishing any specific goal. So the question becomes: How do you keep what inspires you about your goal in the forefront of your mind. This leads nicely to…

Step Number Three: Create A Conscious, Strategy-Free Intention Statement.

Strategy-free means there are no specific actions added to your intention statement. No timelines, no concrete results. A conscious strategy free intention will help guide you toward what you really want any help you stay motivated in the process.

So if you want it to experience freedom to do what ever you want in your life. And you’d also like to contribute to the world in a big way, and heck maybe you do want to buy your mom a big house and feel that kind of satisfaction. Then what you do is create a statement that expresses this for you.

It could sound something like: I intend to create a life where I can contribute to the world in a big way and always experience freedom and great satisfaction.

When you create a clear strategy free intention, it opens the door to a wide variety of options that you might not have been aware of otherwise.

When you have a lot options available to you, you are much less likely to become disappointed if one particular strategy doesn’t work out.

So the next time you want something, take these three steps.  Number one: Expand Your View, Number two: Become an Explorer and Number three: always Create a Conscious, strategy-free [tag-tec]Intention statement[/tag-tec] that will keep you inspired and gently draw you forward to what you want.

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Knowing Yourself = Loving Yourself

Tag: Happiness,Personal Growth,Self EsteemBeth and Neill

Question

Catherine asked us this question: “How can I continue to strive to regard myself as worthy of [tag-tec]unconditional love[/tag-tec] in a relationship, just as I am?”

She asked this because, in her words, “I have been in two long-term relationships that ended with me feeling used and taken for granted. I came out of them thinking that I must be doing something that gives the impression I am not worth making an effort for — that I am perceived as the one who meets needs without requiring any reciprocal effort to meet mine as well”

There are many ways we could answer this question, but we would like to address how  Catherine (or anyone for that matter) can start treating herself like she’s [tag-tec]worthy of unconditional love[/tag-tec].

self_love

Artwork by Rita Loyd

Which might cause you to ask, “Easy to say, but how can I do that”?

You can start with these three beginner’s steps to practicing [tag-tec]self-love[/tag-tec]. By applying these self-love techniques you will automatically start treating yourself as the valuable being that you inherently are.

What are You Thinking About?

Step One: Explore your thinking.

Whether you’re aware of it or not, it’s the thoughts you think that generate the way you feel about yourself. The way you feel about yourself influences the actions you take. And your actions generate everything you create in your life.

Most of us have been raised in cultures that teach us to focus on what’s happening outside of ourselves as being responsible for creating the situations in our lives. “If only they wouldn’t…” “If only it hadn’t…” “If only you would…”  “It wasn’t me. It’s two other guys…”

When you primarily focus on what’s going on “out there” it’s very challenging to really know what’s going on “in here”–to know yourself, and to understand what’s most important to you.

So, if something happens “out there” that you don’t enjoy, and all you know to do is try and change those external circumstance, you’re bound to feel bad. Why? Because without first changing your internal reactions it is much harder to effectively change your external circumstances. Or, as Einstein put it:

“Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.”

That is why we suggest you start the practice of exploring your internal thoughts as the first step to treating yourself as worthy of unconditional love. You will know which thoughts are important to explore by using your feelings as an alarm.

The next time you feel uncomfortable in any way, try to identify what you were thinking about just before you started feeling uncomfortable. Then use the next step to change this level of thinking.

Identify Your [tag-tec]Personal Core Values[/tag-tec]–Who You are at a Deep Level

Step Two: Identify what’s most important to you.

The quickest way to start giving yourself unconditional love is to get to know yourself well enough that you can appreciate who you are–even when you don’t like how you feel.

Shakespeare said it best when he wrote, “To thine own self be true.”

Discovering what’s most important to you–what you most deeply value–is the best way we know to discover who you truly are.

These [tag-tec]personal values[/tag-tec] are sometimes well hidden inside your every day feelings. The stronger your feelings–the more important the value is that they express.

In step one you identified what you were thinking about just before you started feeling uncomfortable. Now that you’ve interrupted the thought, ask yourself questions such as: “What is so important to me in this situation that I feel so strongly about?” “What is missing for me that is so important?”

For example, underneath a sense of deep sadness, you might discover caring and consideration are very important to you, and those things are missing in the situation at hand. Hidden within confusion could be a strong desire for understanding. Beneath frustration, you could discover that you want to be more effective.

When you can get under your feelings to what’s deeply important to you—you will start to notice wonderful qualities about yourself. So rather then being stuck in the negative thoughts and the feelings they generate,  you can discover “thine own self”–a valuable person you can easily learn to love.

Knowing YOU is Loving YOU

Step Three: Get to know your best friend.

Although at times you may feel very sad, frustrated or lonely, once you learn to stop yourself the very moment you begin feeling uncomfortable, and then identify what’s most important to you beneath your feelings, you’ll find that you can always be there for YOU. You can listen to what’s important to you. You can figure out ways to get more of whatever you deeply value that is missing in your life.

Using these self-love techniques you are guaranteed to find the best friend you’ve ever had and will be well on your way to mastering the art of self-love and acceptance.

Never Settle for Less Again

Now we’d like to get back to the other thing Catherine said: “I have been in two long-term relationships that ended with me feeling used and taken for granted. I came out of them thinking that I must do something that gives the impression I am not worth making an effort for – that I am perceived as the one who meets needs without requiring any reciprocal effort to meet mine as well.”

[tag-tec]Loving and accepting yourself[/tag-tec] is the first step to creating unconditional love in all your relationships. This will make it much easier to experience the mutual respect and consideration you desire.  With practice at interrupting negative thoughts, and then discovering what you really want, you’ll gain the confidence to ask  for what you want and know that you’re worth getting it.


Personal Values Education – Knowing What You Need and How to Get It

To Get What You Need You Have to Know What You Value

magnifying-glass-valuesDo you ever find yourself unsure of what you “need” in a situation or what would be the “best” thing to do? Would you like more confidence that the decisions you make are not sowing the seeds of regret? If so, you may be intrigued by our response to this question from our community: “What’s the difference between [tag-tec]values and needs[/tag-tec]?” This is our attempt at a very brief education about [tag-tec]core human values[/tag-tec] and a look at how to develop what we call your [tag-tec]Values Intelligence[/tag-tec], or V-IQ.

[tag-tec]Values Intelligence[/tag-tec]

Let’s start by defining what we mean by [tag-tec]core human values[/tag-tec].

The word value originates from the Latin word “valere“, which means “be strong, be well, be of value,” and is also the root of the word “valiant.

We define [tag-tec]human values[/tag-tec] as:

What’s most deeply important to a person, without reference to specific people, places, actions or times.

Human values are the landmarks that guide a person’s choices so their actions are in harmony with what is most meaningful to them. They are what a person finds most important or motivating at the deepest level.

[tag-tec]Examples of Core Human Values[/tag-tec]

To be clear about this. here’s a very brief list of things we would describe as [tag-tec]basic human values[/tag-tec].

Accomplishment Discovery Leadership
Adventure Enjoyment Mastery
Autonomy Experience Play
Beauty Harmony Pleasure
Compassion Health Relatedness
Connection Inspiration Self Expression
Contribution Integrity Spirituality
Creativity Inter-Reliance Support

Again, this is a very brief list of examples of core values. Your most important [tag-tec]personal values[/tag-tec] may exclude some that are on this list, and may include many others which don’t appear here.

You may notice that things such as: air, food, water, shelter, etc. are not on this list. That’s because these are not what we would call exclusively “[tag-tec]human values[/tag-tec].” These fall more in the category of things that are valuable for sustaining life in whatever form.

The important thing to pay attention to when reviewing this list is the last part of our definition. You’ll notice that each of the words in the values list describes something “without reference to specific people, places, actions or times.” If they did, we would call these “strategies” rather than “values.”

This distinction plays an important role in answering the next question.

What’s the Difference Between [tag-tec]Values and Needs[/tag-tec]?

By definition, a need is: a lack of something useful, required, or desired. Therefore, if we don’t consider something useful, required, or desired, we can never be in need of it. As a corollary to this, we cannot “need” something unless it is lacking.

In short: you can’t need it if you don’t value it or if you’ve already got it.

There are a few benefits from shifting our understanding of these words in these ways. One is that by using these definitions we naturally turn our attention to what we value that’s missing in a situation, rather than dwelling on what is lacking that we “need.” This turns our attention from what we don’t have to what we want, which is a much more powerful perspective for identifying our options.

Second, we all know how quickly someone can become “one to avoid” if they always express themselves in terms of their needs. Have you ever heard someone describe someone else by saying, “They’re just too needy!”

But expressing what we want in terms of what we value allows others to relate to us in terms they can identify with. It’s hard for me to imagine anyone reacting negatively to someone “valuing” everything in the [tag-tec]examples of values[/tag-tec] listed above. You’ll probably never hear someone say, “They’re just too valuey!”

The Importance of Knowing What You Value

Everything we’ve covered so far was intended to bring us to this point. We can now take a look at the critical importance of being able to identify your own, [tag-tec]personal core values[/tag-tec], which is this.

If you misidentify what you value, it’s likely you’ll misidentify what you need, which makes it likely that you’ll develop strategies that will satisfy neither what you need nor what you value.

This is why we believe it’s so important that people begin to develop their [tag-tec]Values Intelligence[/tag-tec], or V-IQ. We understand this as your ability to:

  1. Know what you value
  2. Identify what you value that’s missing in a situation
  3. Develop concrete, actionable strategies to begin experiencing what you value
  4. Take only actions that are in harmony with your values
  5. Measure your success by whether you’re experiencing more of what you value

In this process, identifying your personal values is the first step in knowing the most valiant actions you can take in any situation. In fact, we’ve found no better way for a person to begin experiencing a truly “valuable life” than developing their V-IQ.

If you’re new to our work you may be interested in knowing that we offer a free values exercise worksheet.

This is designed so you can use it in any situation or relationship in your life to determine what you value most–the first characteristic of [tag-tec]values intelligence[/tag-tec].

If you’re interested in developing the other four aspects, subscribe to this blog, read our articles, or visit our store. Helping people with their “[tag-tec]values education[/tag-tec]” is a core part of what we do.


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