How to Have more Fun Dealing with Hard to Deal with People

Are there people in your life who drive you crazy?

Do you ever have trouble enjoying the time you spend with certain people–even though you may like or even love them? Are there people in your life who you only spend time with when it’s unavoidable?

Everyone we know has certain people in their lives who drive them a little nuts. Often this prevents them from initiating contact, even if these people are family or long time friends.

So what do you do then?

If you’ve ever asked yourself this question then you may want to try a practice we’ve developed that makes spending time with these people a little more enjoyable. The first part of the practice is to remember that everyone is always doing the best that they possibly can.

They’re doing the best they can?

This may sound a little simplistic or even a bit ridiculous, but this practice really does have the power to radically affect your ability to enjoy yourself with these people. And they don’t need to change a bit for this to happen.

However, embracing this practice is much easier said than done. Whether you have a parent who seems to show constant disapproval, a coworker that never stops talking, a cousin who continuously whines about everything that’s wrong in their life, or whoever it is that does whatever they do — the truth is they REALLY are doing the best they can.

How can we know this is true? Well, think about it for a moment. If they are driving you crazy; do you think other people love this behavior? If you are hesitant to be around them; do you think others are eager to be with them? Do they seem genuinely happy while they’re doing whatever it is that bugs you? Does their behavior seem fun for them or effective at helping them get what they truly want? We tend to doubt it.

So if they knew a better way to relate to people — one that they enjoyed more, that they recognized others enjoyed more, and that was more effective at meeting whatever needs motivate their behavior — don’t you think they’d do it that way instead?

They are just trying (unsuccessfully) to be happier.

The first part of the practice we suggest is to see that everything they do is the result of trying to get their needs met or to experience something they value. The problem is that: 1) they just haven’t learned how to get to the core of what is most important to them, and 2) they haven’t yet learned how to behave in ways that help them get what they want.

So, the next time you are with your cousin and he starts complaining and whining about all the problems in his life, first remember he’s doing the best he can. Then, if you want to go a little deeper and have even more fun, you can start applying the second part of the practice, which is playing the Values Guessing Game.

How do you play?

The game is played like this. You start by asking yourself:
“If I was acting like this what would I value that I either want to receive or to contribute in this moment?” Then guess.

Here are a couple of examples.

If your cousin is complaining about his woes in life, and then you ask yourself why you have ever complained to anyone else about anything, you might guess something like, “It sounds like you’d like a little understanding for how hard a time you’re having with this?” Or, “I guess it would be a relief to know that someone cared about how you’re doing these days?” Or maybe, “I wonder if you’d like some support about how to take care of that problem?”

You see, he would probably value the relief he’d get from some understanding, caring, and support. This isn’t mind reading; it’s a guessing game that you play so you can have more fun in the conversation

What if you hear that your mother disapproves of how you’re managing your love life? You ask yourself why you ever offered relationship advice to one of your friends, and then you might guess, “It sounds like you care about me and it’s important to you that I have a happy and successful relationship?” You see, she probably cares and just wants to contribute to you and her disapproving words are the best way she knows how to help you be happy and successful in your relationships.

Being Right or Being Happy?

The guessing game is not about trying to be right;  it’s about trying to connect with them. They’ll let you know whether or not your guess is accurate. And either way they’ll most likely have something else to say, which is just another opportunity to play. And this is not about trying to change the other person; it’s about trying to enjoy yourself more.

We know this may not be the most enjoyable way for you to hear a request for caring and support from someone in need or to receive help for improving your love life. Even so, you’ll be amazed at what can happen when you stop wanting the people in your life to be different than they are, start to recognize they’re simply doing the best they can, and then start playing the Values Guessing Game with them.

Give it a try. We guarantee your time with them will immediately start being more fun for you. (And don’t be surprised if they start seeming a little bit different too.)

Marriage Intimacy Begins With ____!

Of Course You want more Love and Intimacy in Your Relationship

We’re starting this post with the assumption that you want a satisfying and deeply [tag-tec]intimate relationship[/tag-tec] with your spouse or significant other. If so, then it’s important to remember that the most successful relationships start with people who love themselves. The sooner you start giving yourself the kind of love that you’d like to experience in your relationship, the more fulfilling and intimate your relationship will become.

But do you ever wonder what the phrases “self-love” or “loving yourself” really mean, or what they have to do with creating a deeper sense of [tag-tec]marriage intimacy[/tag-tec]? Even if you see the connection, do you wonder how to go about learning to truly love yourself?

Self Love Starts Here

Here’s the very first step: start noticing all the wonderful things about you! We know this might sounds simplistic, but you might be surprised how many people there are who, on a regular basis, simply ignore or don’t notice all the wonderful things about themselves.

“You must first love yourself before you can fully love another…” ~ Jennifer Good

How often do you stop and take the time to acknowledge yourself — to notice the things you enjoy about yourself? The best way to do this is to begin a practice of consciously focusing your attention on the wonderful things about you. Each morning make a conscious intention to notice and write down at least 10 things you enjoy about yourself during the day. When you go to bed at night, take time to review the list and appreciate yourself for these things.

Try It and Then Decide

This might sound a little silly, but when you start practicing this regularly you’ll be amazed how much better you feel about yourself, and how quickly loving yourself at a deeper level will follow. Once you feel this sense of self love and acceptance we guarantee it can’t help but stimulate more love, acceptance and intimacy in your relationship.

So now you know you know how to fill in the blank in the title of this post: Marriage Intimacy Begin With YOU.

So get out there and start consciously loving yourself–no one else can do this for you.

One Surprising Reason for a lack of Intimacy in Relationships

Tag: Marriage Intimacy,Personal GrowthBeth Banning

What’s Fair is Fair?

Are you concerned with the fairness in your relationships? Do you expect everyone involved in the relationship to do their part if they want to share the benefits? Some say that, in order for a relationship to truly work, both people need to contribute equally. This focus of your attention may be leading to the [tag-tec]intimacy problems[/tag-tec] in your [tag-tec]relationship[/tag-tec].

Many people labor under the assumption that only when a relationship is truly “50-50” can it be a better, happier, [tag-tec]more intimate relationship[/tag-tec]. Unfortunately, this is simply not true. We think it’s a myth that should be dispelled.

Why? We find it’s the people who truly believe in this myth who most often find themselves unhappy, frustrated, and lacking the most [tag-tec marriage intimacy]intimacy[/tag-tec] in their relationships.

What Do You “Expect” from Your Relationships?

This happens whenever someone sits around and expects others to behave in certain ways–ways that they have decided are “doing their fair share.” This is a recipe for disappointment. Keeping score is no way to keep your relationship, even a married relationship on smooth and solid ground.

In fact, expecting others to act certain ways or do certain things to “make us happy” actually limits our ability to be happy. If we want to be truly happy then we need to embrace the idea that we are the only ones in control of our happiness.

When you stop expecting particular things from your relationship, you can start working towards happiness, satisfaction and true intimacy in your relationship.

You Can Have What You Want!

This means taking full responsibility–being 100% responsible for your own happiness. This doesn’t mean you stop trying to get what you want from your relationships. It means just the opposite, if something is missing, you take responsibility for making it happen, and this can be done with or without your partner’s help. When you figure out how to get what you want, you can’t help but be happier, more satisfied and create a more intimate relationship.

Don’t leave your happiness solely in the hands of others. Start being 100% responsible for creating true happiness and a deeper sense of intimacy in all of your relationships starting right now.

Are You Looking for Intimacy in All the Wrong Places?

Start with Yourself

Great relationships start with people who already love themselves. [tag-tec]Intimacy[/tag-tec] like any other aspect of a [tag-tec]great relationship[/tag-tec] begins with the love and intimacy you have with yourself. The more you learn [tag-tec]how to love yourself[/tag-tec], the more you can love others–and the more love you will experience in return.intimacy-starts-with-self-love

Regardless of your relationship status–single, dating, married, or divorced–intimacy can only be achieved by learning about [tag-tec]self-love[/tag-tec] or “loving yourself first”. This is the first step to experiencing the kind of fulfillment and deep [tag-tec]intimacy you want in your relationships[/tag-tec].

Start Today!

How do you enhance you ability to love yourself? First, commit to noticing all of the terrific things about yourself, and celebrate when you do. When you focus on what you appreciate about yourself, you’ll find that others will begin to notice them too.

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
~ Buddha

It takes a practice to focus your attention on all of the positive things about yourself. It might seem like negative self-talk is the norm. When you focus on only the negative aspects of yourself, not only do you miss your own beauty, you tend to discount the love others express for you.

Start Because You’re Worth It

Few people actually take time to recognize their own wonderful qualities. The sooner that you can start to appreciate your good qualities and love and appreciate yourself for them, the sooner your relationships will become happier, more satisfying, and more intimate.

Make a conscious choice to do this and you’ll find yourself more able to fully love and receive love from others.

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

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The Make-Up Gift that also Improves your Marriage Intimacy

Tag: Personal GrowthBeth and Neill

Give a Gift that Everyone Wants

Have you ever had an argument with someone you care about and quickly began looking for the perfect gift to make everything better? Or, have you ever received a gift from someone trying to make up with you? If so, then you probably know that gifts don’t necessarily make you forgive and forget more quickly. But, what if you could find the perfect gift–one that could start improve the [tag-tec]intimacy in your relationship[/tag-tec] more quickly? There is such a gift, and it has the power to start to [tag-tec]repair your relationship[/tag-tec] right away.

It’s really true; there is one gift that cheart_in_handsan begin to[tag-tec] make your relationship better[/tag-tec] right away. This gift will give you the power to understand the other person in a more deeply intimate way. This gift is the gift of your “presence.” Not “presents,” as in Christmas gifts, but “presence,” as in giving your attention and personal connection to someone. When you give someone your presence, you are giving them your willingness to be there, to listen, to interact in a more satisfying way, and to try and truly understand what’s going on with them. Isn’t this the kind of gift you would love to get?

“The first duty of love is to listen.” ~ Paul Tillich

How to Give the Gift of Presence

Giving the gift of presence starts with actually removing yourself from a situation. Only focusing your attention on being present for the other person–100%–without input about your own needs and wants in that moment. And above all else, don’t take anything the other person says personally. You can do this by remember that every action by every person is driven by their attempts to meet their own needs or experience something they value, and really doesn’t have anything to do with you at all.

While you’re being present, your job is to only discover what’s deeply important to your [tag-tec]relationship[/tag-tec] partner– underneath their words and actions. You might ask if they could experience anything they want in this situation what it would be. If they are not ready or willing to explore themselves at this level, you will probably end up hearing things like, “I want you to stop acting like a “know-it-all” and I just hate that.” Now, while this is probably not what you hoped to hear, you have the opportunity to remember this is not about you and don’t take it personally. Even though it may sound like a personal attack, this is not actually about you at all.

Discovering the Hidden Meaning beneath the Words

Instead, consider it a gift to you—one that helps you discover hidden messages about what your partner’s values. Your partner would like you to stop being a “know-it-all,” which may reflect a deeper desire for them to be appreciated for what they know and what they do.

When you make an attempt to understand the other person’s values and desires, you are definitely giving them the gift of your presence. By focusing your attention on improving your [tag-tec] marriage intimacy problems[/tag-tec], it will immediately begin improving. Does your partner hope that they could contribute more to the relationship? Perhaps they would like to have more of this kind of connection. Remember that their words and actions reflect their deeper [tag-tec]values[/tag-tec].

What does it all mean?

“To listen well, is as powerful a means of influence as to talk well, and is essential to all true conversation.” ~ Chinese Proverb

To truly understand someone else, you have to be able to “put yourself in their shoes,” at least for a little while. This is a common cliché, one that we are reminded of frequently. Try “walking in your partner’s shoes” for a while, and give them the gift of your presence.

This doesn’t mean teaching them lessons, proving a point, or telling them what to do. Walking in their shoes means focusing all your attention on identify what hidden values has them say or act the way they do. When you understand the values that drive their actions, you will be one step closer to the [tag-tec]healthy, happy relationship[/tag-tec] that you’ve been wishing for.

And best of all, giving the gift of presence doesn’t cost you anything. So why not start giving it away today–you might be surprised to discover how much your [tag-tec]marriage intimacy[/tag-tec] improves and how much you get in return.

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