Making Your New Year’s Resolutions a Reality!

(We had the opportunity to do a guest article for the PuddleDancer Press, Nonviolent Communication site and we wanted to share it here with our community too. You can read the first bit here and the rest there… :~)

It’s That New Year’s Resolution Time Again

In January it’s traditional to make New Year’s resolutions. You plan to go to the gym, get into great physical shape, earn more money, improve a troubled relationship, or get along better with your family members.

But you suspect that in a few days or weeks you’ll get tired of making the effort and your good intentions will disappear. Would you like to improve your chances of making your resolutions stick?

Maybe you worry about how much effort and work is involved, or you think it isn’t possible to have these things. Just like last year, you’ll slip back into your old patterns. Well, there is a fun and easy way to begin to create your ideal life with little effort on your part. It starts by creating an intention.

What is intention?

Intention means knowing what you want and directing your actions toward that outcome. You might want your life to be more peaceful and harmonious. Or you might crave adventure and discovery. You can make intentions for your life as a whole, and also for any situation, relationship, or time period. Maybe you want to create more connection and trust with someone you love. Or maybe, during meetings at work, you want more support and effectiveness.

Why Create Intentions?

Creating intentions takes only a few minutes out of a day, yet it is a powerful tool you can use to set your resolutions in motion…
Keep reading this article at NonviolentCommunication.com >>


The Fear of Taking Responsibility

Why don’t people fess up when they’ve done something “wrong”?

In our work, we believe that fear of taking responsibility is a result of being “Domesticated”. We define Domestication as any Training Process that uses a system of punishments and rewards to accomplish its goals.

We enjoy how [tag-tec]Don Miguel Ruiz[/tag-tec] describes this in his book [tag-tec]The Four Agreements[/tag-tec].
“Children are domesticated the same way that we domesticate a dog, a cat, or any other animal. In order to teach a dog we punish the dog and we give it rewards. We train our children whom we love so much the same way that we train any domesticated animal: with a system of punishment and reward.

We are told, “You’re a good boy or girl,” when we do what Mom and Dad want us to do. When we don’t, we are “a bad girl or boy.”

When we went against the rules we were punished; when we went along with the rules we got a reward. We were punished many times a day, and we were also rewarded many times a day. Soon we became afraid of being punished and also afraid of not receiving the reward.”

Becoming an Auto-Domesticated Animal

The domestication is now so strong that at a certain point we no longer need anyone to domesticate us. We don’t need parents, the school, or the church to domesticate us. We are so well trained that we become Auto-Domesticated animals.”

We can now domesticate ourselves according to the same system of punishment and reward. We [tag-tec]punish ourselves[/tag-tec] when we don’t follow the rules according to our belief system; we reward ourselves when we are “good boys and girls.”

We’ve all grown up in this Auto-Domesticating culture.
(see the work of [tag-tec]Riane Eisler[/tag-tec]: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Riane_Eisler
and [tag-tec]Walter Wink[/tag-tec]: http://www.walterwink.com/books.html)

Our culture practices judging whether we are good or bad, right or wrong, appropriate or inappropriate, worthy of reward or deserve punishment …

[tag-tec]Integrity[/tag-tec] vs. [tag-tec]Morality[/tag-tec]

This causes people to confuse Integrity with Morality. We define Integrity as: Being true to your [tag-tec]Chosen Values[/tag-tec] and your Highest Self, vs. Morality, which is: judging the rightness or wrongness of something according to Culturally Learned moral standards. Morality is the practice of judging what’s good or bad, right or wrong, appropriate or inappropriate, worthy of reward or deserves punishment.

In this culture people get Integrity & Morality mixed up so they believe that failing to act as others expect will cause them to be judged as Bad and Wrong, or worthy of punishment. So people fear the [tag-tec]punishment[/tag-tec] that will follow from the judgments of others such as: How irresponsible / inconsiderate / selfish / stupid … or What a jerk / creep / idiot, and so on.

In this situation it’s no wonder there are so few souls willing to martyr themselves to the consequences of these moralistic judgments.

What Would You Prefer?

Given all this, it seems to us that the more important questions are: How do we move from a culture where we try and control people’s actions through fear of punishment and desire for rewards to one where we elicit the actions we want from others by engaging in a compassionate dialogue that is focused on gaining clarity about everyone’s needs in a situation (such as one where someone has acted “irresponsibly”), thereby eliciting a sincere agreement to participate together in a way that serves the highest good of everyone involved?

And as an important prerequisite: How can we gain the level of [tag-tec]Values Intelligence[/tag-tec] needed to focus our attention on maintaining integrity with what is most important to us (at the essential, core, “spiritual” level) rather than being driven by our culturally learned, habitual thinking?

So (as a shamelessly self-promoting plug) if you find these questions intriguing you may be interested to know that much of our work is dedicated to finding practical and effective answers to these last two questions.


Be Your Own Boss!

Don’t Tell Me What to Do

Are you tired of people telling you what to do all the time? Do you long to make your own decisions and live your own life–confidently? If so, then it’s essential that you learn to make inwardly motivated decisions, ones that are driven by your personally chosen  [tag-tec]core values[/tag-tec] and that are expressed as conscious intentions. Simply put, this is how to Be Your Own Boss.

Whether you know it or not, you always have an intention, but if you have an unconscious intention and it’s motivated by limiting beliefs then you’ll end up simply reacting to your circumstances, or as we like to say, re-enacting your past experiences over and over again.

To be your own boss you need to develop your internal authority. This internal authority comes from having a very clear understanding of what’s most important to you at a values level. Internal authority also comes from your ability to create clear conscious intentions based on these values, which in turn motivate the actions you choose to take.

Sadly, most of us have an extremely underdeveloped internal authority, which means our actions are dictated by our limiting beliefs, and our past experiences as they are triggered by external stimulus. If this is true, then whenever we are challenged by a difficult situation we often just react, mostly without even thinking.

What’s Most Important to You?

Changing this pattern and becoming your own boss is only possible when you develop your internal authority. Only when your internal authority is functioning as an expression of your values and conscious intentions will you have the opportunity to respond to situations with true authority.

The very first step in making these inwardly motivated decisions is to know what you most deeply. So if you’d like to start making decisions confidently–decisions that will be satisfying for everyone involved–start by slowing down and getting to know the person you really are.

The next time something happens, and you are feeling dissatisfied with the situation, stop and ask yourself “What do I value that’s missing for me in this situation?” When you come up with the answer, then ask yourself, “What can I do in this moment that is in harmony with my values and that will create more of what I want?”

“I saw that everything really was written there before me, and that the doors had only been closed before because I hadn’t realized that I was the one person in the world with the authority to open them.” ~Paulo Coelho

Choose to be your own boss today!

When you learn to stop reacting, and start responding with authority in everyday situations you will experience a kind of personal freedom you’ve only imagined. You are in control of your life and your experience when you choose to be.

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What Do You Value Most, Wealth Love or Success? Choose

Tag: inspiration,Personal GrowthBeth Banning

We received this wonderful [tag-tec]inspirational story[/tag-tec] from our friend Louise and enjoyed it so much that we want to share it with you.  It focuses on your [tag-tec]values[/tag-tec] and making choices about what’s most important to you. We hope you enjoy it as much as we did.

A Stranger Is Just a Friend You Haven’t Met

A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them. She said “Oh dear, what are you doing in my yard, can I help you, are you hungry? Please come in and have something to eat.”

“Is everyone home that lives here?” they asked. “No,” she replied. “My husband is out.”

“Then we cannot come in”, they replied.

In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened.

“Go tell them I am home and invite them in!” The woman went out and invited the men in.

“We do not go into a house together,” they replied. “Why is that?” she asked.

One of the old men explained: “His name is Wealth,” he said pointing to one of his friends, and said pointing to another one, “He is Success, and I am Love.” Then he added, “Now go in and discuss with everyone you live with which one of us you want in your home.”

Which Would You Choose?

The woman went in and told her husband what was said. Her husband was overjoyed. “How nice!!” he said. “Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth. Let him come and fill our home with wealth!”

His wife disagreed. “My dear, why don’t we invite Success?” Their daughter jumped in with her own suggestion: “Would it not be better to invite Love in? Our home will then be filled with love!” “Let us heed her advice,” said the husband to his wife. “Let’s invite Love to be our guest.”

The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, “Which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest.” Love got up and started walking toward the house. The other 2 also got up and followed him.

Surprised, the lady asked Wealth and Success: “I only invited Love, why are you coming in?” The old men replied together: “If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other two of us would’ve stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever He goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success!!!!!!”

The moral of the story… if you have love in your life all else will follow.


Self Improvement – Why Bother?

If You Value Your Time – Take Time for What You Value

Does the question ever cross your mind as you run through your very busy days, “How could I possibly bother spending the time trying to improve myself when I’ve got so much to do?”

Does it seem as if your life is so full of just trying to get things done that the ideas of acquiring [tag-tec]self help skills[/tag-tec], enhancing your [tag-tec]spiritual growth[/tag-tec], or implementing a new [tag-tec]personal development plan[/tag-tec] seems almost impossible? And yet, is there also a gnawing question that lingers in your mind, “Is this all there is?” “Am I missing out on something even with all these things on my to-do list?”

If any of this sounds familiar, then the next time you’re confronted with the hectic pace of daily life, take a moment and find the time to “bother” with your [tag-tec]personal development[/tag-tec]. Gaining a clearer understanding of ourselves always adds value to our lives and can also increase our sense of significance and purpose in those daily activities.

Finding meaning in our lives starts when we begin investigating who we are and what is going on around us. We are the only one that can say for certain what is deeply important to us, so if we get so very busy that we don’t take the time to stop and look at our life, it may fill up with things that don’t give us the kinds of joy and meaning we truly want.

Is Your Cup Overflowing?

Here’s an old [tag-tec]Zen story[/tag-tec] that speaks to the truth of this:

A university teacher visited Nan-in, a Japanese master. The professor was interested in learning about the Zen philosophy. Nan-in served the professor tea. He poured tea in the professor’s cup until it was full. But he kept on pouring.

The professor watched the tea overflow his cup until he could no longer stop himself. “My cup is overflowing,” he said, “no more will go in!”

“Like this tea cup,” Nan-in replied, “you are full of your own ideas and opinions. How can you learn about Zen unless you first empty your cup?”

To learn anything new, you need some room for it in what you already know. With life’s crazy pace, every once and awhile it’s important to invest the time, energy and attention to let in new ideas and awareness.

That was Zen – This is Now

You can begin emptying your cup by examining what you believe and what you value.

  • Do some things just seem “right or wrong”, “good or bad”, or “appropriate or inappropriate”?
  • Are your [tag-tec]beliefs[/tag-tec] broader than the set of [tag-tec]cultural beliefs[/tag-tec] permeating our lives on an unconscious level?
  • Are you easily able to recognize which [tag-tec]beliefs[/tag-tec] are motivating your actions?
  • Do you know the values that are reflected in your [tag-tec]beliefs[/tag-tec]?
  • Are you able to recognize when your [tag-tec]beliefs[/tag-tec] are not accurately reflecting your [tag-tec]core values[/tag-tec]?

Unless you occasionally take the time to consciously empty your cup of beliefs that do not fit with your [tag-tec]core values[/tag-tec], it will fill up with various cultural beliefs that come to you from the outside, which become the unconscious motivations influencing the choices you make and how you live your life.

As you empty your cup, you begin to make room in your life for the question, “Are the beliefs I hold as the truth really my own beliefs?”

Another question to ask is, “Did I knowingly choose these beliefs as my own or did I simply take them on without question?”

You answer these questions by exploring whether your beliefs support what you really value, or if they are just beliefs you learned simply because they have been part of our culture for hundreds or thousands of years.

Bother to Be – Continue to Ask – and Be Willing to Listen

To understand more about how [tag-tec]cultural beliefs[/tag-tec] might be influencing you, look at the principles you live by and rules you follow. Or consider all those little adages you were told growing up such as, life is hard, it’s a dog eat dog world, only the strong survive, etc.

Explore these for yourself. Ask, “Do I truly believe these?”  Do these principles, rules or sayings really support me in living the life I desire, one that is a reflection of what I truly value?

Here are a set of questions you can ask yourself as you go through your day that will help you figure this out for yourself:

  • What do I really desire in this area of my life?
  • What would I like to experience right here and right now?
  • What motivates the action I’m about to take?
  • Is what I’m about to do going to get me the results I really want?
  • Is what I’m doing now really what want to do?

Take pause and remember that in the process of questioning, there are no hard and fast rules, no good or bad answer, no right or wrong beliefs. The purpose is to begin taking time for your [tag-tec]self-improvement[/tag-tec] and [tag-tec]spiritual development[/tag-tec], to experience the fact that this is worth “bothering” with.

An Empty Cup Allows Room to Grow

We trust that as you uncover your own [tag-tec]personal values[/tag-tec], start developing empowering new beliefs that reflect those values, and begin taking actions that are in alignment with them, your discomfort or dissatisfaction with the hectic pace of life with begin to diminish.

You’ll start clearly recognizing which of your daily activities reflect what you value and experience an increased sense of significance and purpose in these. You’ll also start easily pruning away the clutter in your life as you get more clarity about what is important you and what is not.

As your life becomes more meaningful, taking the time for [tag-tec]self-improvement[/tag-tec] will not only be worth bothering with, you will welcome it because you know you have plenty of room for it in your cup!

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