Ready to Play a New Game?

In part one, we asked you to spend some time paying attention to your thinking. If you did that exercise you probably noticed that sometimes when things aren’t going the way you want them to you end up looking for who’s right and who’s wrong in this situation. Did you also notice how often you think about what you don’t want instead of what you do want?

Great, because in order to end the cycle of discomfort, confusion and pain that comes from playing this [tag-tec]blame game[/tag-tec], it’s essential to begin by getting conscious of the game and your part in it.

Ending the Cycle

Breaking free from this cycle starts when you learn how to identify what you DO want, instead of focusing on being right and what you don’t want. Focusing on what you do want helps you to escape this cycle,[tag-tec be happy] be happier[/tag-tec] and have a more peaceful life.

Of course, deciding to stop playing this “Right/Wrong Game” and starting to feel better is a little more difficult than just putting a game board back in the box. You need to develop the skills and strategies that help you recognize the cycle and avoid it before it takes over.

Here’s a three-step plan that you can use immediately to help you play a new and more rewarding game.

Step One: Use Your Feelings as Your Guidance System

Remember how the “Right/Wrong Game” causes tension and anger? There is a good reason for these feelings. Uncomfortable feelings are like a danger signal in your emotional guidance system. The danger signal blinks when something you value deeply is missing. If you feel discomfort, you know it’s time to change the game to “What’s Missing”.

Step Two: Realize What’s Most Important to You

If you keep focusing on what you don’t want, you can’t focus on what you do want. You need to identify what it is that you do want in a given circumstance–what’s missing in the situation that you deeply value.

The next time you hear yourself thinking about what it is that you don’t want, such as “I hate it when people don’t tell me the truth!”–slow down and consider why this is important to you. Maybe it has to do with experiencing trust or honesty–maybe what you DO want is trust.

How about if you catch yourself feeling angry and frustrated? You hear yourself thinking, “Nobody who really cared about me would act like that!” So what’s most important to you then is probably being cared for and you being considered. Your “do want” then is to experience caring and consideration.

Realizing what’s most important to you, is the only way that you can figure out how to get it.

Step Three: Go For It!

Now that you realize what’s most important to you a situation and translated it into what you do want, you can take the next step. Stay focused on specific actions you can take or things you can say in the situation to help create more of what you want.

Remember, focusing on what you don’t want is a trap, so stay away from it. If you want consideration, do something that will create consideration. If you want trust, say something that will create some trust.

A small action might feel insignificant but even the smallest step toward your new goal is better than getting stuck in that uncomfortable who’s right who’s wrong cycle.

Being in action will help your tension and anger release! As you work towards the things that will really bring you happiness, you’ll find you don’t want to play the “Blame Game” anymore. Taking action will help you realize that less stress and greater happiness is the best game in town!

The One Game No One Wins!

Do you remember playing board games as a kid with family or friends? Was there one person who was a stickler for the rules–somebody who took all the [tag-tec happiness]joy[/tag-tec] out of playing by arguing every roll of the die?

Now as adults, we might find ourselves playing the “I’m Right, You’re Wrong Game”, but does concentrating on who’s right and who’s wrong ever leave anyone [tag-tec be happy]happy[/tag-tec] and satisfied? Have you become the stickler in your game of life?

if so, you can stop playing that less than satisfying game right away by learning three steps to help you move towards a happier, [tag-tec reduce stress]less stressful[/tag-tec] and more for filling life.

What are you thinking about?

Before you do anything else it’s essential that you figure out why you end up feeling tense, frustrated or angry in the first place. Take a moment and listen to what you are saying to yourself. Many times, upsetting thoughts end up focusing on things that you “don’t want” and who’s “right” and who’s “wrong” in this situation.

Your thoughts might sound something like this:

“They shouldn’t keep me waiting!”

(“They’re wrong!”)

“Somebody who really cared about me just wouldn’t treat me like that!”

(“They’re wrong!”)

“How can they think it’s appropriate to interrupt me when I’m talking!”

(“They’re wrong!”)

Each of these thoughts focuses on what you don’t want to have happen—don’t want to be kept waiting, don’t want to be treated that way, don’t want to be interrupted.

Focusing on what you don’t want makes it very easy to slip in to playing the “Right/Wrong Game”.

Where did we learn to play this game anyway?

The adults in our life played this game with us as kids as a way to teach appropriate and inappropriate behavior. We learned early on to distinguish who’s right and who’s wrong, who’s nasty and who’s nice, who’s good and who’s bad. As we grow up we get pretty good at identifying these things. We also learn to point out what we don’t want, but we’re almost never taught how to identify what we do want–the things that are really essential to us personally.

As we grow, we continue to play this “Right/Wrong Game”–even though it becomes a major stressor that affects our sleep, our attitude, and ultimately, our ability to be happy. Playing this game over and over, creates a cycle of discomfort, confusion and pain. In fact, if you feel uncomfortable thinking about the same issue more than three times, you’ve most likely slipped into this cycle already.

How does the discomfort–confusion–pain cycle work?

Stress can be caused by worry, frustration and anger. Your mood is affected by stress. How you interact with the world is heavily influenced by your mood. Unsatisfactory interactions lead to more frustration and anger. The cycle starts all over again and gets even harder to break.

When your thoughts return to the same upsetting situation, and leave you feeling uncomfortable, tense and angry, you’re probably headed to the Hall of Fame as a major-league player of the “Right/Wrong Game”.

But there’s good news! You can make a fairly simple choice to continue playing this game or to stop. As The Course in Miracles says, it all comes down to one simple choice: “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?”

We know this is easier said than done. That’s why in part two of The Games People Play: Being Right vs. Being Happy we’ll take you from being a player in this blame game and show you three simple steps that will support you in playing a much more fun and satisfying game from now on.

Until then, start paying attention to your thinking. Are you focused on who’s right and who’s wrong? Are you paying attention on what you “don’t want”? The answers to these questions will support you in easily understanding and implementing the steps in part two.

Until next time…

Do You Play the Blame Game?

Do you ever hear yourself say things like: “They were so rude”, “He is so selfish”, or “She’s such a control freak.” What about when you’re driving and some one cuts you off… is “What an idiot, jerk, lousy driver” the first thing out of your month? If any of this sounds familiar then you’re playing a game that no one ever wins. It’s called “The Blame Game”.

When you focus on negative labels about what people “are” (demanding, controlling, manipulative) it’s certain that no one will end up happy or satisfied with the interaction. And what makes these situations even worse is that focusing on what people “are” prevents you from taking control because you’re giving way all of your personal power.

When you label people you place the full responsibility for improving matters on them. If you believe that you’re unhappy because they “are” selfish or unreasonable then your problems cannot be resolved until they change their ways. This blame game prevents you from overcoming your hurt feelings and can lead to serious relationship problems.

But you can take back responsibility for your own happiness. The first step in reclaiming control is to release the idea that other people are causing your emotional pain. When you realize that it’s your thinking about people using negative labels that is causing you to feel bad you’ve taken your first step forward.

Letting go of these negative labels allows you to focus on what you “do want” in each situation. You can then ask yourself what is needed to create an outcome that would satisfy everyone involved.

When you know what you want you can begin looking at these situations as opportunities to explore ways of meeting everyone’s needs and re-establishing or creating a healthy relationship with others and yourself.

Try This Tomorrow

Any time you hear yourself blaming someone or complaining about circumstances in your life, figure out what is needed to create an outcome that would satisfy everyone involved and then identify at least one action you can take or a request you can make that will improve your situation.

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

Until tomorrow…
Beth and Neill