Like most things, how you respond to another person’s anger is probably different depending upon your relationship with them and the circumstance. At the same time, you’ll probably recognize some patterns in how you deal with anger

Do you shut down, clam up, and hope they’ll go away? Do you puff up and try to out-bluster them? Do you start explaining, apologizing, or simply flee the scene?

If any of this sound like you, then you’re probably missing the two most important parts of dealing effectively with someone else’s anger, whether it’s a minor upset or full-blown rage.

First, you’ve probably heard someone say, “They are angry at me.” or “I made them angry.” This is the first fundamental mistake most people make when dealing with anger. They falsely believe that someone else can be angry “with them” or that they “can cause” another person’s anger.

The truth is, another person’s upset, anger, or even rage is never ever about you. It is always about how scared the other person is about whether or not they’re going to get something they value, keep something they value, or lose something they value. In other words, it’s always about them and what they value. Always.

Stop Taking It Personally!

When you realize this you can begin to stop taking other people’s anger personally. And this gives you the freedom to really get underneath their anger and create practical, effective solutions that get to the heart of the matter.

Beth and I co-authored an article about this topic that appeared in this month’s issue (Sept. ’08) of the NonviolentCommunication.com eNewsletter. You can read more about this idea of “not taking it personally” there. But I wanted to expand a little bit on one of the points that we made in that article.

And that’s the second most important thing to keep in mind when dealing with anger. And that’s to apply your sharply focused attention on separating the “stimulus” for anger from the “clause” of anger. I say “sharply focused attention” because this is no simple task to separate stimulus from cause, a specially given most people’s lack of experience or training in distinguishing between the two.

Separating Stimulus from Cause

Take the two statements I used as examples above. Both of these statements imply that the stimulus and cause of the other person’s anger is the person making the statement. In fact, it must’ve been something the person said or did, didn’t say, or didn’t do that stimulated this anger reaction in the other person.

But even if you plug in these facts, the statements still do not get to the root of the anger. “Bill is angry because I didn’t return his phone call” “Mary is angry because I didn’t pick her up at the airport on time.” Again, these actions or inactions are only the stimulus for Bill’s and Mary’s anger.

At the root of the anger is their belief that they’re not getting something they value. In this case it might be something like consideration, predictability, or caring. So if you can apply your sharply focused attention to determining what it is that Bill and Mary might value that’s missing for them, you’re much more likely to begin to have a conversation with them about how important those things are to them and how they might be able to get them in the future.

Not Getting What You Want Never Makes You Angry

But even given all that, it’s important to realize that the bills and Mary’s anger is not caused by the fact they are not getting something that is important to them.

So what is the cause? Both Bill and Mary are afflicted with “should” thinking and have adopted the strategy of “being angry” as the best way to get other people to do what they “should” do.

What is “Should Thinking” you ask? Well, that’s the subject of another post.

Until then, I am committed to your success,
Neill Gibson

[tag-tec]Angry[/tag-tec] Much?

Does your temper ever cause difficulties in your important [tag-tec]relationships[/tag-tec]or elsewhere in your life? Have you read books on [tag-tec]how to control your anger[/tag-tec] or even taken [tag-tec]anger management [/tag-tec]classes but still struggle to apply the techniques you learned? If so, and you’re ready to dramatically improve this area of your life now, then here are a few simple tips that will support you immediately.

When You Go Within You Don’t Go Without

Making changes in this area of your life requires you to truly understand your motives, your values, and your intentions. When you are experiencing anger, you are focusing your attention on the negative things in your life–what you don’t want.

In reality, your anger comes from an unidentified value disguised as dissatisfaction with something going on “out there”. Identifying this underlying value is critical for shifting your anger into an opportunity that you can turn to your advantage.

When you learn to focus your attention inward–identifying what’s missing for you in situations–you will discover that you can replace the anger with a sense of inner connection and create a new found determination to experience a quality of satisfaction and happiness that only comes with being present to your most authentic self.

“It is a waste of energy to be angry with a man who behaves badly, just as it is to be angry with a car that won’t go.” ~ Bertrand Russell

Using Your Anger to Everyone’s Advantage

When you learn to do this you’ll find you can get what you really want in ways that can satisfy not only you, but others around you. The next time you experience anger, consider trying a new “anger management” strategy that helps you focus your attention on what you truly want. When you turn your attention to what you want that’s missing in the situation you can stop focusing on what you think is wrong and start directing your energy toward getting what you want.

Your[tag-tec] anger[/tag-tec] can give you the opportunity to gain more clarity about what’s most important to you, and lead you to solutions that will be much more satisfying in your life. Choose to apply consistent, focused attention on what you truly want in life, rather than becoming angry and upset about what you don’t want.

As soon as you make a conscious decision to turn your anger to your advantage, this new technique will begin to improve your life.

Do Angry People Make You Angry?

Do you ever wonder why angry people don’t take some sort of anger management class? Do you feel tired when you have to deal with angry people? If you’re like most of us, dealing with angry people probably makes you feel somewhat angry yourself.

When you listen to people venting constantly, one of two things is likely to happen. Either you withdraw because it’s too stressful to listen to, or you end up becoming frustrated inside and this makes you appear as angry on the outside.

It’s important you realize that another person’s anger doesn’t have to make you angry. Their anger is not about you. When someone is angry, it’s because they are not getting what they want. So don’t take it personally.

Guess Why I’m Angry?

While it’s best to avoid taking another person’s anger personally, you might be the trigger for their anger somehow, and it can be helpful to figure out what their angers about–what’s going on for them under the surface. Again, you are not the cause of their anger, but if you can guess why the other person is feeling that way, then you might be able to take action to help improve the situation.

How do you guess the reason for another person’s anger? Examine their needs and values-either directly, by asking them, or indirectly, by thinking about what may be driving those negative feelings. Everything a person does is driven by their needs and values.

Anger Might Equal Opportunity

“Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.” ~ Malcolm X

Once you understand that everything truly comes down to needs and values, you can just guess about why another person is angry. And, in doing so, you will feel more relaxed and be better able to stop taking things personally, because their anger is really not about you.

Related Anger Management Resources

Michele Borba: Anger Management Tips for Kids | Dr. Michele … – Dr. Michele Borba share her secrets for discipline problems, behavior troubles, school issues and much more! Parenting advice, tips, and articles for raising happy, healthy children from conception to graduation.

If you were an employer, would you hire yourself? : Advantages of … – Anger Management ala George Anderson. Presented by Anderson and Anderson-Global leader in anger management training and certification. If you were an employer, would you hire yourself? : Advantages of Executive Coaching …

Anger Management with Yoga Therapy – Potent yogic technique to help you release and be free of your anger and frustration. Illustrations and practice detailed included.

Effective Confrontation Control

Are you a “[tag-tec]confrontation[/tag-tec] avoider”? Do you find that you will settle for things that do not satisfy you, just to avoid a possible conflict with someone?

What if you could learn to handle confrontation more effectively and find satisfying solutions to any conflicts? Chances are you would be much happier, right?

Learning how to effectively [tag-tec]deal with confrontation [/tag-tec]may not be an easy task. But, avoiding conflicts can lead to even more serious underlying problems.

When you begin avoiding confrontation, you often start to worry about where the next confrontation will be–spending more and more energy worrying about avoiding them. Worry leads to anxiety and physical tension, and then not only do you end up with emotional issues but, physical ones as well.

What’s the First Step Towards Relief ?

Finding a way to[tag-tec] deal with confrontation proactively[/tag-tec] is the first step that will lead to a more peaceful and happy life.

Before you do anything else, we suggest that you reinterpret your ideas about confrontation, and learn to see it as an opportunity rather than an obstacle.

“Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict.” ~ William Ellery Channing

Reinterpret Confrontation?

In order to do this, it’s important to really understand what confrontation is. The dictionary defines confrontation as: “a disharmony resulting from a clash of ideas or opinions.” Confrontation takes place anytime people are opposed to each other’s opinions or objectives.

Conflicts don’t happen merely because people have differing thoughts, goals, or opinions, because there will always be people who have different goals and opinions!

Confrontation only crops up when one or both parties view these as “opposing” ideas or believe that their ideas “clash with the other persons.”

Because folks will always have different opinions, the only way to truly avoid or ward off a “confrontation” is to perceive at it from a different viewpoint.

What’s the Alternative?

Here’s an another meaning of “confrontation:” to bring face-to-face. When you recognize that there will always be some people that have different opinions than you, you can begin to relax and see opportunities to meet people face-to-face.

When you begin handling confrontation in a more creative way, you are less likely to defend your position or attack the other person. You’ll be more relaxed and open to exploring the situation and discover solutions that are satisfying for everyone.

You can begin by asking yourself this question: “When I encounter people with different points of view, how can I handle the situation creatively and improve myself at the same time?”

By staying away from conflict you are also running away from opportunities for self-improvement, collaboration, and new understandings, because these are the benefits you’ll get from genuinely meeting someone face-to-face.

Do you start to question yourself and your relationships when others get angry or frustrated around you? Does other people’s irritation or their temper tantrum cause you to lose sight of your needs and values?

Whether it’s a minor annoyance or full blown rage, it is critical that you remember:
“It is NOT all about you.”

Other people’s feelings are not really about you at all.

“Don’t’ take it personally!”

Remembering this is definitely easier said than done. Especially when someone else is really upset and telling you that everything is your fault.

The trick to keep in mind is the understanding that everything everybody does is driven by the desire to meet their personal needs and to experience what they value.

Everything!

“Let us take things as we find them: let us not attempt to distort them into what they are not. We cannot make facts. All our wishing cannot change them. We must use them.”
~ John Henry Cardinal Newman

Take time to reflect on exactly what it is that the other person values that they are not getting. This is what’s stimulating their anger. When you figure this out it will be much easier to follow the advice:

“Don’t take it personally!”