My [tag-tec]Spouse Lied[/tag-tec] to Me About Using Drugs – Now What?

(The following is Part 1 of our response to a question we received. To the best of our ability we removed all personally identifying information and have made the situation as generic as possible.)

We understand that it has been quite a shock for you to discover your spouse had lied to you about being in recovery. We hope the following suggestions may help you get “unstuck” from the confusion you are experiencing and help you choose what would be best for you to do next.

The first thing we suggest you do in this situation is to practice the following two understandings. But by “understanding” we don’t mean that you will agree with the behavior, give up on what is important to you, or resign yourself to the situation.

We simply hope you will experience some relief by practicing these two understandings. This relief will come partly from an increase in your ability to be compassionate with yourself and your spouse, partly from the clarity you’ll gain from knowing which actions you may want to take next, and partly by helping you [tag-tec]restore trust in your relationship[/tag-tec].

Understanding Number One – We Do the Best We Can

The first understand we find important to practice in situations like this is: People are always doing the best they can to have what is important to them. Always!

Before you were married, when you asked if your spouse had a drug problem, they gave you an answer they believed would meet most of their needs in the best way possible. There must have been something that was so important to them that they were willing to lie to you to protect it.

We guess they were protecting their relationship with you. They must have been painfully aware that any other answer than “Yes, I am drug free and in recovery”, would probably have resulted in losing their relationship with you. So in their mind they were faced with losing you or lying. And [tag-tec]saving the relationship[/tag-tec] with you was more important than telling the truth.

Unfortunately, it seems that their lie was not very effective in the long run. Now that you’ve discovered it, they seem in danger of [tag-tec]losing the relationship[/tag-tec] anyway. But, again, it was the best your spouse could do to protect what was important to them in that moment.

This same understanding is also true about their use of drugs.

There is some need your spouse is meeting by using drugs that they have not been able to meet in any other way. We predict that they will be unable to stop using drugs until they discover the need that using drugs satisfies, and then figure out another way to satisfy that need without it costing them so much–such as [tag-tec]losing relationships[/tag-tec] with people they love.

From your message it’s obvious you love your spouse. If you didn’t you wouldn’t be in such pain about this discovery. Helping them discover a less costly way to meet ALL their needs may be the most loving thing you could possibly do for them. But your willingness to help your spouse at this point in the relationship relies on the next understanding.

Understanding Number Two – Trust is “In Here”, Not “Out There”

One thing we’ve learned on our journey of [tag-tec]personal growth[/tag-tec] and [tag-tec]spiritual development[/tag-tec] is that how we are moment by moment is governed by what’s going on inside of us, not what’s going on outside of us.

We could feel joyful as we walk on a beautiful beach, during a gorgeous sunset, hand in hand with the one we love. But our joy is not caused by the beach or by the sunset. And it is not caused by the person holding our hand.

Our joy is springs from the fact that each of these things deeply satisfies something that we cherish. If we did not care about the aesthetics of our surroundings or about being in a relationship, this situation would not produce joy in us.

In the same way, the trust we feel is not created by what is going on “out there.” We believe trust actually comes from knowing we have the ability to take care of ourselves: to feel safe and in control of our well-being no matter what is going on in our surroundings. It’s hard to feel trusting if we don’t think we can take care of ourselves.

In this sense, the trust you think you lost in your spouse was actually your loss of trust that you can take care of yourself in your relationship with them. After all, how can you really take care of yourself when you cannot rely on the information they give you?

But I’ve never met a person who claimed that they had never lied. So it’s a safe bet that people have lied to you your whole life, and probably will continue to do so. You probably already know this. And in spite of this, you have done a pretty good job taking care of yourself, even though people sometimes lie to you.

Trust Yourself

In your situation, whether you choose to leave your spouse or not, we suggest that trusting yourself is the first kind of trust you need to establish.

Are you able to take care of yourself? Can you do what it takes to [tag-tec]live a happy life[/tag-tec] even though your spouse has lied to you?

Establishing trust in your ability to take care of yourself is important whether or not you choose to stay with your spouse.

But what if you still want to stay in the relationship and you find that you don’t really have that kind of trust in yourself?  Then you can use this situation as an opportunity to learn better ways of taking care of yourself as you work through these problems.

For support in this process you may find value in our article titled: Lying – Why It Happens and How You Can Regain Trust as you Rebuild Your Relationships

As you improve your ability to trust yourself, you can begin to focus all of your attention on resolving these issues and moving forward in your relationship. Trusting yourself gives you confidence that you will be okay in the process.

In our next blog post we will discuss ways to [tag-tec]reestablish trust in your relationship[/tag-tec], and how to use a very specific process for creating genuine cooperation as a way to do this.

Until then, we hope this has helped in some small way. Please let us know if it has. And feel free to post a comment below if you would like us to clarify anything we have offered here.

Committed to supporting your happiness,

Beth and Neill

But what does that mean?

Every self help guru will tell you to “love yourself” or [tag-tec]practice “self-love” [/tag-tec]first before you can love others. Do you even really know what those terms mean? Perhaps sometimes you think you do, but how often at the very same time you don’t seem to like yourself much. Do you wonder how you can love what you don’t like?

Regardless of how you currently feel about yourself, continue reading and discover how to love yourself in ways that will bring much more [tag-tec]happiness[/tag-tec] and satisfaction into your life.

[tag-tec]Relationships[/tag-tec] should be filled with fun, closeness, caring, and happiness, right? We think so and we know that when you focus on these qualities you will experience much more of them in your relationships. But first, you must be able to see them in yourself. Whether you are single, married, or divorced, all your relationships will be improved when you truly know and love yourself for who you really are.

We will address three important steps that you can take to move toward self-love and mastering the art of happiness.

Step one: Examine how you think. So much of what we feel about ourselves is determined by what we think about our lives in general. From the time we are small children, our parents raise us to focus on “right” and “wrong.” This can lead to thinking that you might be “wrong” or there is something “wrong” with you. Examine your thoughts carefully. You can do this when you use your emotions as a warning. Each time you feel discomfort of any kind, do your best to discover what you were thinking just before you started feeling that way.

Step two: Find out what is most important to you. You will be amazed at the changes you can make in your life once you discover what is most important to you. By focusing your attention on the important things, you will quickly turn your life around and get closer to not only self-love, but authentic happiness. Often the things that are most important are hidden deep beneath our everyday negative feelings. After you have completed the first step and examined how you think, you can begin to take the next step and uncover your values. Identifying how you think and then identifying what is most important can help you channel your energies effectively toward making your life better.

Feelings of sadness, confusion, or anger are just covering up values that are missing in a situation. When you are feeling sad confused or angry it’s almost impossible to practice self-love. Identifying your undiscovered values can help you notice amazing parts of you that you can easily like and then learn to love.

For instance, beneath sadness, there is probably some sort of regret about losing hope in a dream. Underneath confusion is a desire for understanding. Within anger, there might be a need for caring.

Step three: When you truly know yourself, you’re never alone. Any time you find yourself lonely or feeling sorry for yourself, know that you can be your own best friend by remembering to stop, identifying what you value underneath your feelings, and take time to appreciate yourself–you are an amazing human being that values beautiful things. So start practicing these self-love techniques and get on your way to mastering the true art of happiness today.

Until next time…

With love,
Beth and Neill

Self Doubts?

Do you wonder if you are good enough to get what you truly want?  [tag-tec]Low self esteem[/tag-tec] will cause you to doubt yourself, your goals, your actions, and your desires. Finding out what stands in your way is the first step in [tag-tec]building your self esteem [/tag-tec].

Our culture is very focused on using a system of rewards and punishments, consequences that make us behave in certain ways. Because we are worried about being punished, we develop certain strategies and beliefs we think will take care of us, but in actuality these strategies and limiting beliefs can lead to a great deal of self doubt.

Who is the Boss of You?

Worthiness, or unworthiness, is something that is pronounced upon you by you. You are the only one that can deem yourself worthy or unworthy. ~Abraham Hicks

Whenever you decide that you want something new–like a new car–perhaps you’ve noticed that you start seeing that make and model everywhere. This happens because what you focus your attention on grows, and so seeing that car everywhere is normal–it’s just what happens.

Think about wanting something new, like more self esteem. Start by deeming your self worthy. As soon as you do, you will start to notice more opportunities to find yourself “good enough”, “smart enough” “worthy enough” to achieve your greatest goals and desires. But an opportunity is only good if you take it on.

Start Today!

Don’t let your long standing limiting beliefs and your perceived low self confidence control what you can have in your life.

“If you think taking care of yourself is selfish, change your mind. If you don’t, you’re simply ducking your responsibilities.” ~ Ann Richards

Start today! Identify the beliefs that are limiting you and focus your attention instead on actions you can take to achieving your goals and desires.[tag-tec] Building your self confidence [/tag-tec]will take practice, but once you start you will begin creating the life you truly want.

With confidence in your ability to succeed,
Beth and Neill

Choose Your Metaphor – Change Your Mindset

Have you ever heard of or done an Outward Bound, type program? Their mission is to enhance self confidence and self-esteem through challenge and adventure, and to encourage participants to achieve more than you ever thought possible.”

Sounds like a cool, adventurous way to start [tag-tec] building self esteem[/tag-tec]! The beauty of these programs is that they ask you to use your skill set in situations very different from your regular life. Whether or not you have the time and resources to take such a program, this type of adventure is available to you every day.

Reframe your activities today!

It begins by taking yourself mentally out of your habitual mindset. You might not be able to physically change the basic routine of your day, but you can change your attitude and reframe your activities. We call it Choose a New Metaphor.

A metaphor is a figure of speech in which one thing is spoken of as if it were another. A famous one is Shakespeare’s “All the world’s a stage.” By looking at your day through a different set of images, especially one that reflects an activity where you feel success or enjoy the challenge of, you begin to recognize the vast talents you have and a renewed sense of self.

So pick your metaphor! “My life is a hike in the woods.” “My job is a shopping trip with a set deadline.” The metaphors are as vast as your imagination.

As Robert H. Schuller wrote “Let your imagination release your imprisoned possibilities.”
This week… start your day by picking a new metaphor. You can keep the same one for a week or change it up each day. So don’t wait to [tag-tec]increase your self confidence[/tag-tec], start today!

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

Until next time…

with love,
Beth and Neill

Here are some basic definitions of confidence:

a feeling of trust (in someone or something)
a state of confident hopefulness that events will be favorable
freedom from doubt; belief in yourself and your abilities

Confidence. Certainly it is something we’d all like to have, right? It can be compared to hiking along and coming to a deep, steep ravine. You are on one side and your destination–what you want–is on the other. You need a way to bridge the gap.

Imagine you have three options. You can choose to swing across using the rope that’s hanging there, use the rickety footbridge swaying in the breeze, or use a walking stick to help you scramble down into the ravine and up the other side. No matter which you choose in this analogy you’ll most likely get to the other side, but a strong sense of self-esteem, and confidence will surely be needed.

Two Important Steps that Lead to What You Want

Let’s say one of the ways you’ve chosen to achieve one of your important goals is by focusing on positive, supportive beliefs about yourself. That’s fabulous… But the next and often overlooked step in building self-confidence is bridging these beliefs with your values. In our Pathway to Personal Freedom eCourse, we talk about personal values in this way.

“Awareness of your personal values helps you avoid feeling confused, and avoid the stress that comes along with that confusion…

“We’ll make a rather bold assertion here that most of the distress people feel is a direct result of not being clear about what they most deeply value, and then behaving in ways that are contrary to these undiscovered values.

“We can’t emphasize this enough and will actually bring it up again and again: understanding your personal values and living in harmony with them is key to a life of healthy self-appreciation, good self-esteem, and a strong sense of self-confidence.”

Try It and Then Decide

Go to our website, and download our complimentary Values Exercise at http://www.focusedattention.com/store/thank-you/free_Values_Exercise_registration.htm

Once you have it, choose any area of your life you been working to improve–where you would like to feel more confident. Then do the Values Exercise.

When you’re finished and have your list of values, come up with at least two actions you can take to improve this area of your life that are in harmony with your values. Then set a specific time to have completed these actions.

After you’ve taken these actions, ask yourself: “Do I feel more confident about this area of my life?”

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

Until next week…
Beth and Neill