Seven Steps that Rebuild Intimacy – A Seven Part Series

Here’s Step 2. Make sure you don’t miss any of these important steps. We’ll post one a day for each of the next five days. If you missed the beginning of the series, click here: Rebuild Intimacy – Part One

Step 2: Commit to the Discovery Process

Don’t squander your valuable time by playing mind games or expecting the other person to read between the lines. Protect this space so that honest communication can thrive.

For now, we suggest that you forgo discussing “who did what, when”, or trying to fix “problems.” The faster you can get under the surface of your discontent and reveal what you truly want, the sooner you can begin having a truly happy relationship.

We suggest you start your first dialogue by identifying what you each would value most in an ideal relationship–one that’s working, happy and satisfying. Rather than all the words and upset you may be experiencing now, what is it that you truly want to experience?

Is it caring, fun, and predictability, or is it freedom, inspiration, and respect? There are no rules about what you should want. Whatever it is for you is just fine. If you would like some support in this values discovery process, you are welcome to use our complimentary Values Exercise as a guide.

Read Part 3 of this 7 part series, or sign up for our RSS feed so you will be notified automatically when it’s posted.

Relationship Issues?

Do you ever find yourself worrying about your relationship–wondering if you’re even on the same page anymore? Are you mostly concerned about how to rebuild the intimacy you once had?

If any of this sounds familiar, don’t give up now, there is hope. It’s likely you still believe your relationship is worth some effort or you wouldn’t even be reading this article.

Read on and discover seven simple ways you can rebuild the relationship intimacy you once had. Learn how to heal old wounds so you can walk forward hand-in-hand with renewed hope for your future together.

Seven Steps that Rebuild Intimacy – A Seven Part Series

Make sure you don’t miss any of these important steps. We’ll post one a day for each of the next six days.

Step 1: Create a Safe Space for Open Dialogue.

Many experts will tell you simply to let your partner know how you feel, what you want, and how you want things to be. Then somehow, if you just get honest enough, everything will start to get better.

While we agree that honesty is the best policy, we also believe that how and where you begin this conversation makes a huge difference in the outcome.

We suggest that you start by creating a space for open dialogue–one with some communication guidelines that will help both of you feel safe and comfortable. Start by exploring whether there’s anything that would prevent either of you from speaking honestly.

We’ve found people are often worried about judgment, criticism and bringing up past wounds. Spend some time discovering anything else that might cause either of you discomfort about having this dialogue. Then come up with some guidelines that will create a safe space for both of you. Try these for starters:

• Agree that you’ll refrain from judging or criticizing your partner–or yourself.
• Agree that you’ll refrain from analyzing past events to determine who was right and who was wrong.

Add any other guidelines to your list that you believe will help you create a safe space for open, honest communication.

Read Part 2 of this 7 part series, or sign up for our RSS feed so you will be notified automatically when it’s posted.

The No. 1 Obstacle

Many people say that the No. 1 obstacle when attempting to maintain [tag-tec]marriage intimacy[/tag-tec] and create a healthy, happy relationship is the lack of [tag-tec]good communication skills[/tag-tec].

What do you think? Are you in an intimate relationship? Do you believe it’s essential to have [tag-tec]good communication in your relationship[/tag-tec] in order to create the kind of closeness and connection you want?

If so, here’s a tip that we guarantee will help you do just that.

Start by truly understanding the other person’s point of view. Very often when couples start communicating about a problem or dissatisfaction the first thing they hear from their partner sounds like a criticism or a complaint. This is a critical point in the conversation and very often where the communication begins to break down.

This happens as often as it does because most people think in terms of strategies–what they want and the most effective way they think they can get it. This strategy often takes the form of a complaint–how you could change to help them get what they want or a criticism–what your doing “wrong” that is keeping them from getting what they want.

It’s Not About You

Understanding what someone deeply values or the need they’re trying to meet underneath the criticism or complaint is critical to creating genuinely satisfying relationships. Taking the lead in this area is something that you can do immediately to help improve the quality of your communication and in turn, your entire relationship.

Certainly, one way to find out what’s under their complaint is simply to ask them. It’s a place to start, but it’s not always the most effective way of getting to the truth about what a person really values. As we pointed out above, people often think in terms of their strategies as opposed the value or need that is stimulating the strategy.

If you began a conversation by talking about a problem in the relationship and you ask them what they want about the problem you may hear things like, “I want you to _____” (fill in the blank).

• Spend more time with me
• Stop being such a know-it-all
• Listen when I’m talking, etc

Dig Deep

Clearly, these statements just tell you what they want you to do, not what they value, not what need they’re trying to meet. Getting to the underlying values hidden in these statements may require a little detective work on your part. Don’t just take their answers at face value; dig down beneath the surface to find out what values are at the base of what they want.

As an example, let’s dig under these statements and discover what the person might value that had them say what they did.

• Spend more time with me, is probably stimulated by the longing for more connection or intimacy.
• Stop being such a know-it-all, could be a desire for acknowledgment or appreciation for what they know.
• Listen when I’m talking, might be coming from a wish to be understood clearly.

Once you have an idea about what the other person values and what’s most important to them, many other strategies will become obvious for helping them experience these essential qualities.

And for you, it will be much easier to relate them and want to support them then it would be if all you continue to hear was the criticism or complaints.

Start with Yourself

Great relationships start with people who already love themselves. [tag-tec]Intimacy[/tag-tec] like any other aspect of a [tag-tec]great relationship[/tag-tec] begins with the love and intimacy you have with yourself. The more you learn [tag-tec]how to love yourself[/tag-tec], the more you can love others–and the more love you will experience in return.

Regardless of your relationship status–single, dating, married, or divorced–intimacy can only be achieved by learning about [tag-tec]self-love[/tag-tec] or “loving yourself first”. This is the first step to experiencing the kind of fulfillment and deep [tag-tec]intimacy you want in your relationships[/tag-tec].

Start Today!

How do you enhance you ability to love yourself? First, commit to noticing all of the terrific things about yourself, and celebrate when you do. When you focus on what you appreciate about yourself, you’ll find that others will begin to notice them too.

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
~ Buddha

It takes a practice to focus your attention on all of the positive things about yourself. It might seem like negative self-talk is the norm. When you focus on only the negative aspects of yourself, not only do you miss your own beauty, you tend to discount the love others express for you.

Start Because You’re Worth It

Few people actually take time to recognize their own wonderful qualities. The sooner that you can start to appreciate your good qualities and love and appreciate yourself for them, the sooner your relationships will become happier, more satisfying, and more intimate.

Make a conscious choice to do this and you’ll find yourself more able to fully love and receive love from others.

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

Does Lack of Marriage Intimacy = Communication Problems?

Does it seem as though the lack of communication in your relationship is creating marriage intimacy problems for you and your spouse? Do you ever hear yourself complain: “Why don’t they ever talk to me about anything meaningful?” or “Our marriage would great if only we had better communication skills.” If so, keep reading. You may be surprised by what is actually at the root of the lack of intimacy in your marriage.

If you’re blaming lack of communication as the cause of intimacy problems in your relationship, you may want to examine this assumption more closely. Now don’t get us wrong, good communication is a wonderful thing. Communication skills are one of the most important things we teach couples that support them in creating healthier, happier and more intimate relationships. But if you’re using the quality of communication in your relationship as your test for intimacy, you may be shooting yourself in the foot.

“You Say Tomato…”

You see, we all define things differently. Your definition of intimacy may be different than your partner’s definition. The kind of communication that supports you in feeling a sense of connection with your spouse may be different than the kind of dialogue that gives your partner a sense of connection with you.

As an example, let’s say you love having long, in-depth discussions. You could sit for hours talking about things you enjoy. Like how you feel when you see the sun rise or the way your favorite poem moves you. This depth of feeling and emotion in a conversation really helps you know you are connecting with the other person. It gives you the sense that they’re listening to you and that they want to know you as well.

This is all well and good if the other person also enjoys this kind of conversation, but not all people do. Some people, perhaps even your significant other, don’t enjoy having conversations like these. For them, a sense of intimacy might come from walking together on the beach or just sitting quietly together holding hands. They may enjoy more casual conversations: talking about their day at work or what you’re going to have for dinner.

This just reflects a difference in style, personality, and preference. The first style doesn’t make you needy or wrong for enjoying this kind of conversation. The second doesn’t make them closed-off or withdrawn for enjoying a more casual style. This only proves that you are different people with different preferences.

Apples and Oranges

So let’s look at the difference between conversational styles and communication.

Many couples believe that they’re having communication problems when they simply have different conversational preferences. We see these as two very different things. The worst part about not being able to distinguish this difference is that couples believe it means they have a lack of communication in their marriage.

Misunderstanding this can easily cause one or both people to become resentful and frustrated, which can easily lead to decreasing intimacy in the marriage. But if you can see this difference for what it really is, you can use it as an opportunity for better communication and greater intimacy.

The place to begin is discovering each of your conversational styles. What kinds of conversations does your relationship partner enjoy having? Explore their preferences and help them explore yours. Help them discover your definition of intimacy and learn what creates their most meaningful experiences.

First Things First

Now, depending upon how long this issue has been going on in your marriage, there may be a need to clean up misunderstandings that have developed along the way. Then you can tackle defining your preferences about conversational styles and intimacy. Your spouse may even be somewhat resistant to opening up about this because they worry it’s just another one of “those” conversations they don’t enjoy.

If you think this might be the case, you could start by addressing this concern. Let them know that you’ve come to realize you each may have different preferences in your conversational styles. Let them know that you’d like to understand their style more fully and what kinds of intimate experiences they enjoy most.

Then ask them straight out if there is anything that would prevent them from being willing to discuss this with you. If there is something that prevents them, then this is the most important thing to take care of. Your conversation won’t get far if you can’t get to a place of real willingness to talk this through. The good news is that you’ve opened a discussion about how you can improve the quality of your conversations in general–and what better place to start than by addressing each of your preferences.

If they are willing to discuss this, then start by revealing your conversational preferences and the kinds of intimate experiences that are most satisfying for you. Ask to see if they understand what you mean. When you’re sure they do, then check to see if their preferences are similar to yours.

If they have different preferences, don’t take it personally. Remember, these are just personal preferences and theirs don’t have to be the same as yours. This just means it’s time to explore their style more fully and learn the kinds of intimate experiences they enjoy most.

Once you are confident you understand each other’s preferences, it’s time to negotiate. We have no doubt you each can find ways to satisfy some of your partners desires some of the time.

One Size Doesn’t Necessarily Fit All

With that said, you still might yearn for more of the kinds of conversations you enjoy–and we think you’d enjoy them more with someone who has the same conversational style as you. We suggest you find someone who likes having them too.

Join a club that discusses the kind of issues you like to talk about. Find a friend who enjoys talking in the same way as you. The point is that all of your needs for conversation, connection, and sharing don’t have to be met all of the time by your significant other. (But that discussion is for another time.)

For now, the thing to remember is to define each of your preferences about conversational style and the meaning of intimacy. Then come up with strategies that will provide the kind of closeness you want in your relationship. We are confident that simply having these conversations will support you in experiencing more of the marriage intimacy you desire.