Seven Steps that Rebuild Intimacy – A Seven Part Series
Here’s Step 5. Make sure you don’t miss any of these important steps. We’ll post one a day for the next two days. If you missed the beginning of the series, click here:
Negotiate, Don’t Compromise
Some experts say that compromise is what’s needed to create a healthy relationship. We believe that understanding the difference between negotiation and compromise plays a big part in being willing and able to stick with the process we suggest here.
In our opinion compromise starts from an “Us Against Them” mindset. The process begins with everyone identifying what they want. Then they find out who’s willing to give up what parts of what they want until everyone seems to be willing to settle for what’s left.
This is a recipe for frustration and resentment. Compromise is grounded in the belief that there isn’t enough to go around, so you have to settle for whatever you can get.
Negotiation, on the other hand, is grounded in a “We” mindset. It starts by finding out what everyone values and what is missing for each person in a situation. Then, while they stay focused on concrete ways that each person can get what they value, strategies begin to emerge that make it possible for everyone to be satisfied, without the need for any compromise.
Negotiation requires that each person remain totally committed to giving up nothing they value, while at the same time maintaining an equal commitment to give up any particular strategy that would prevent the other person from experiencing what they value.
We suggest you look at each of the values in your mutual intention and identify actions each person is willing to take in order to bring those values to life in your relationship. Then rethink every action that doesn’t create the intention for both of you.
Remember don’t compromise–never do anything that you don’t really want to do. Stay true to yourself and the process.
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