Seven Steps that Rebuild Intimacy – A Seven Part Series
Here’s Step 4. Make sure you don’t miss any of these important steps. We’ll post one a day for each of the next three days. If you missed the beginning of the series, click here:
Step 4: Ask For What You Want.
Once you understand what’s important to each of you–at a deep, value-based level–it’s critical that you begin to understand what these values mean for each other in concrete, realistic terms.
You see, for one person caring might look like giving the other person a kiss on the cheek every night when you see each other after coming home. But that wouldn’t seem like caring at all to the other person–it might actually be annoying. For them caring might mean being asked about their day, or for their opinion about what they’d like to do that evening.
For your relationship to flourish, you must get to know one another’s likes and dislikes. After you’ve created a mutual intention for your relationship that reflects what you each value, it’s important to get concrete about the kinds of activities that will breathe life into that intention for each of you.
Don’t assume that, just because you’ve known your partner for 15 years, you know all their likes and dislikes–or that the other person should know what you like. People change over time, and so do their preferences.
We suggest you dig into your relationship intention so you can discover what the value words your used mean to each of you. What kinds of concrete things would need to happen for you to experience those values. Make a list.
To figure this out we find it helps to ask:
What would be happening, where would we be, and who would be saying what if this value was alive in my relationship and elsewhere in my life?
Write down your list and make sure you don’t leave anything out.
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