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Mar 20

How to Win Every Argument

Would you like to [tag-tec]win every argument [/tag-tec]you ever have?

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But, sometimes you hesitate being truthful with others because you fear it will start an [tag-tec]argument[/tag-tec] you just can’t win?

“Avoiding the topic doesn’t help it go away.” ~ Anonymous

How would you feel if you could say what’s on your mind, confidently, even if you’re worried that your listener would disagree?

Here is one simple step that will stop an argument in its tracks…

There are things you can do to make yourself more comfortable saying what needs to be said and preventing an argument at the same time.

Stop thinking about disagreement like it’s an argument waiting to happen.

Once you’re able to interpret disagreement for what it is–a different opinion or strategy–you’ll begin to feel comfortable enough to simply ask for more information.

When people have differing opinions or strategies and they start to feel tense, under the surface they are really only concerned about getting their needs meet. That’s when the tug-of-war begins.

If you spend your time focusing your attention on simply avoiding an argument–or making sure the other person agrees with your opinion or strategy–you will never be able to address the underlying concerns.

Stick with it.

So instead, continue the conversation long enough to identify the underlying needs and values of each person.

If it’s just a matter of opinion, you’ll each understand the other at a much deeper level. If you each prefer a different strategy, work together to come up with mutually satisfying actions you can each take that will create what each of you want.

When you make a commitment to get clear about what everyone wants, you will become far more comfortable speaking your mind, and ultimately this will get you closer to creating a happier and more peaceful life.

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The moral of the post… to guarantee that you win every argument you have, make sure no one loses.

With love,
Beth and Neill

3 Responses to “How to Win Every Argument”

  1. Sunil Ahuja says:

    Maybe I’m misinterpreting this but wouldn’t this only work if BOTH parties are willing to work together to reach a solution? What happens when one of the parties insists his/her way is the right way and sticks to his/her guns?

    I’m faced with a similar situation as described above. I’m in the middle of an endless cycle of arguments with a very dear friend. Every time i try to take his opinion, he assumes I’m not confident about my stand and gets even more vehement in defending his beliefs and forcing his point of view through. This naturally ticks me off and we generally end up screaming at each other. The matter is never resolved and we end up at status quo.

    I believe that all our experiences are an external projection of our thought patterns. This is one situation however, that I have been unable to interpret.

    Would appreciate your feedback.

    Thanks and regards,
    Sunil Ahuja

  2. Beth Banning says:

    Dear Sunil,

    To answer your question, “does this only work if BOTH parties are willing to work together to reach a solution?”

    The short answer is no… it can work very well if one person is committed to sticking with the other person long enough to get under the other persons opinions, judgments, and strategies to what’s missing for them–their unfulfilled needs or what they value.

    Now in your situation–obviously I don’t have all the details but, what might help is, if instead of you taking on his opinion, you let him know that you’re wanting to understand what his point of view is about for him.

    Now this is where we get into what was talked about in the post. It takes a good needs/values vocabulary, which most of us do not have. For help you can get our complementary values sheet on our website at: http://www.focusedattention.com

    Use the sheet on the back to see if you can identify what values might be hidden within his opinions, judgments and strategies. Next time when you have this conversation, after you let him know you want to understand what his point of view is about for him. You can guess… it might sound something like this:

    He says: “it’s easy to understand, people drive like idiot” then you can guess something like: “do feel worry about how many accidents driving like that might cause” (this is using natural language and guessing that he probably value safety) and also remember… this is just a guess he’ll give you another clue if this is not accurate, and you just guess again.

    Now this is a process–a back-and-forth–with you acting like an explorer. No argument, no upset, just an exploration. Again since I’m not clear about your exact situation or the particulars of your interaction, it’s difficult for me to guess what might be going on for him.

    Now on the other hand your friend may just enjoy debating. If so, this process might also be enjoyable for him. People are usually feel very satisfied when they’re supported in getting what’s most important for them.

    Well Sunil, thank you so much for asking a question and I hope this helps.

    With love,
    Beth

  3. Eddieson says:

    I love this.