Black and White Relationship Skills

No, I’m not talking about ethnicity, I’m talking about simplicity. Whenever I’m looking to improve the quality of a relationship, be more productive, or get through my next AFGO, Occam’s razor always seems to apply. “All other things being equal, the simplest solution is the best.”

In this case, I’m talking about the simplest way to interpret what I’m working on. So, for example let’s say, as is so often the case, I’m working on my ability to hear what other people say in ways that are more enjoyable, more accurate, and produce more of the results that we both want.

Does that sound like something you’d like?

I’ve learned that of the simplest possible ways to hear what people are saying is to figure out if they’re saying “I need” or “I’m grateful.” Put it another way, whenever I can remember, I try to hear whatever people say as either “please” or “thank you.”

Is it Please or Thank You?

Sometimes it’s easy to tell which is which: “Would you take the trash out before we leave?” “That was a great dinner!”

It’s pretty obvious which of these is please and which is thank you. It seems much more challenging if we hear someone blaming, criticizing, or excuse making, using statements like:

• “Idiot! Don’t you know how to drive!”
• “Why are you wasting time on that?”
• “You never keep your promises!”
• “It’s not my fault that …”
• “I forgot to …”

Again, it’s obvious that these are definitely not “thank you,” so they must be “please.” Unfortunately, they are please said in a suicidal way. Suicidal because saying please in these ways is likely to kill the possibility of getting the underlying needs met.

1. Have Need …  2. Take Aim at Foot …  3. Pull Trigger!

The sad thing is, it seems the more important, urgent, or critical the need is, the more likely people will express it in these suicidal ways. Ways that are likely to trigger the heck out of the people they are actually saying please to.

Most reality TV shows are a great place to watch this in action and to practice identifying which times people are saying please and which times they are saying thank you. Whether you use a reality TV show, or your personal relationships for practice, notice how the more hurt and more angry a person is, the more likely they are to express please in the form of blame, criticism, judgment, excuses, etc.

Kind of sad isn’t it?

What’s the Point of Hearing Please or Thank You?

How does hearing please or thank you help me have conversations that are more enjoyable, more accurate, and produce more of the results that we both want? It helps me remember that any form of blame, criticism, judgment, or excuse is the other person expressing a need. And that the more hurt or angry a person sounds the more desperate they are for help, and scared that the need won’t be met.

And if I’m able to hear a person desperately wanting help with their need, I’m much less likely to be triggered by the suicidal way they’re saying please, and much more likely to find in me the compassion to hear their need and to offer my help.

And giving with joy is the most fun game I’ve found to play so far in my life.

What Happens if You Try Hearing Everything as Please or Thank You?

I’d be interested in hearing what you think about listening to people this way. Even more interested in hearing about your experience if you try it.

It occurs to me that some of you might be wondering which bucket you’d put “yes” and “no” in. You might be surprised to hear that I never hear people say “no.” But that’s a different blog post. :~)

Until then …

Committed to Your Success,

Neill Gibson

Seven Steps that Rebuild Intimacy – A Seven Part Series

Here’s Step 7. If you missed the beginning of the series, click here: Rebuild Intimacy – Part One

Step 7: Celebrate and Renegotiate.

Okay, so far you have:
• Created a Safe Space for your Open Dialogue
• Commit to the Discovery Process
• Create a Mutual Intention
• Each started asking For What You Want
• Made agreements about who’s willing to do what and when

Now what you need to know is that either what you’ve agreed to will happen or it won’t.

This is just the truth of making agreements. The typical tendency is to get upset when an agreement isn’t kept. We have a different much more satisfying option.

We suggest, each time someone keeps an agreement, that everyone immediately acknowledge and celebrate this wonderful contribution to your relationship.

However, when some agreements aren’t kept–and some agreements are bound not to be kept–this is also cause for celebration, not the wringing of hands.

Why? Because all it means is that you weren’t as clear as you needed to be to make a successful agreement and all there is to do is renegotiate.

Don’t take it as a personal affront, all it means is that something was missing from the original agreement. Find out what prevented the agreement from being kept. After you figure out what was missing, go back to your intention and use what you’ve discovered to renegotiate the strategies and make new agreements.

Rebuilding the intimacy in your relationship needn’t be difficult. All it takes is that both parties are willing, you have resources that support you, and a mutual intention to guide you forward.

With these pieces of the foundation in place, your success in building a happy, healthy relationship, filled with love and intimacy is guaranteed.

With great love and appreciation,
Beth and Neill

Seven Steps that Rebuild Intimacy – A Seven Part Series

Here’s Step 6. Make sure you don’t miss the final important step that we’ll post tomorrow. If you missed the beginning of the series, click here: Rebuild Intimacy – Part One

Step 6: Appreciation

Any time is a good time to express appreciation for what you enjoy about your relationship. But at this point–more than ever–identifying what you are grateful for and expressing your appreciation for that is very supportive. And as you move forward it helps to have a foundation of appreciation to build on.

We suggest you make a list and then express your appreciation to your partner. You’re with this person because there are things about them that you like. Things that were done that you’ve enjoyed.

This may be a bit challenging if you’re in the middle of a relationship crisis, but don’t worry… If you’re having a hard time coming up with things to appreciate, remember back to the beginning of your relationship or use the values exercised to stimulate the memories of past expressions of love.

As we said in part one, you must still believe your relationship is worth some effort or you wouldn’t have gone to all the trouble of reading this far.

Read Part 7 of this 7 part series, or sign up for our RSS feed so you will be notified automatically when it’s posted.

Seven Steps that Rebuild Intimacy – A Seven Part Series

Here’s Step 5. Make sure you don’t miss any of these important steps. We’ll post one a day for the next two days. If you missed the beginning of the series, click here: Rebuild Intimacy – Part One

Negotiate, Don’t Compromise

Some experts say that compromise is what’s needed to create a healthy relationship. We believe that understanding the difference between negotiation and compromise plays a big part in being willing and able to stick with the process we suggest here.

In our opinion compromise starts from an “Us Against Them” mindset. The process begins with everyone identifying what they want. Then they find out who’s willing to give up what parts of what they want until everyone seems to be willing to settle for what’s left.

This is a recipe for frustration and resentment. Compromise is grounded in the belief that there isn’t enough to go around, so you have to settle for whatever you can get.

Negotiation, on the other hand, is grounded in a “We” mindset. It starts by finding out what everyone values and what is missing for each person in a situation. Then, while they stay focused on concrete ways that each person can get what they value, strategies begin to emerge that make it possible for everyone to be satisfied, without the need for any compromise.

Negotiation requires that each person remain totally committed to giving up nothing they value, while at the same time maintaining an equal commitment to give up any particular strategy that would prevent the other person from experiencing what they value.

We suggest you look at each of the values in your mutual intention and identify actions each person is willing to take in order to bring those values to life in your relationship. Then rethink every action that doesn’t create the intention for both of you.

Remember don’t compromise–never do anything that you don’t really want to do. Stay true to yourself and the process.

Read Part 6 of this 7 part series, or sign up for our RSS feed so you will be notified automatically when it’s posted.

Seven Steps that Rebuild Intimacy – A Seven Part Series

Here’s Step 4. Make sure you don’t miss any of these important steps. We’ll post one a day for each of the next three days. If you missed the beginning of the series, click here:
Part 1

Step 4: Ask For What You Want.

Once you understand what’s important to each of you–at a deep, value-based level–it’s critical that you begin to understand what these values mean for each other in concrete, realistic terms.

You see, for one person caring might look like giving the other person a kiss on the cheek every night when you see each other after coming home. But that wouldn’t seem like caring at all to the other person–it might actually be annoying. For them caring might mean being asked about their day, or for their opinion about what they’d like to do that evening.

For your relationship to flourish, you must get to know one another’s likes and dislikes. After you’ve created a mutual intention for your relationship that reflects what you each value, it’s important to get concrete about the kinds of activities that will breathe life into that intention for each of you.

Don’t assume that, just because you’ve known your partner for 15 years, you know all their likes and dislikes–or that the other person should know what you like. People change over time, and so do their preferences.

We suggest you dig into your relationship intention so you can discover what the value words your used mean to each of you. What kinds of concrete things would need to happen for you to experience those values. Make a list.

To figure this out we find it helps to ask:

What would be happening, where would we be, and who would be saying what if this value was alive in my relationship and elsewhere in my life?

Write down your list and make sure you don’t leave anything out.

Read Part 5 of this 7 part series, or sign up for our RSS feed so you will be notified automatically when it’s posted.