Seven Steps that Rebuild Intimacy – A Seven Part Series

Here’s Step 2. Make sure you don’t miss any of these important steps. We’ll post one a day for each of the next five days. If you missed the beginning of the series, click here: Rebuild Intimacy – Part One

Step 2: Commit to the Discovery Process

Don’t squander your valuable time by playing mind games or expecting the other person to read between the lines. Protect this space so that honest communication can thrive.

For now, we suggest that you forgo discussing “who did what, when”, or trying to fix “problems.” The faster you can get under the surface of your discontent and reveal what you truly want, the sooner you can begin having a truly happy relationship.

We suggest you start your first dialogue by identifying what you each would value most in an ideal relationship–one that’s working, happy and satisfying. Rather than all the words and upset you may be experiencing now, what is it that you truly want to experience?

Is it caring, fun, and predictability, or is it freedom, inspiration, and respect? There are no rules about what you should want. Whatever it is for you is just fine. If you would like some support in this values discovery process, you are welcome to use our complimentary Values Exercise as a guide.

Read Part 3 of this 7 part series, or sign up for our RSS feed so you will be notified automatically when it’s posted.

Relationship Issues?

Do you ever find yourself worrying about your relationship–wondering if you’re even on the same page anymore? Are you mostly concerned about how to rebuild the intimacy you once had?

If any of this sounds familiar, don’t give up now, there is hope. It’s likely you still believe your relationship is worth some effort or you wouldn’t even be reading this article.

Read on and discover seven simple ways you can rebuild the relationship intimacy you once had. Learn how to heal old wounds so you can walk forward hand-in-hand with renewed hope for your future together.

Seven Steps that Rebuild Intimacy – A Seven Part Series

Make sure you don’t miss any of these important steps. We’ll post one a day for each of the next six days.

Step 1: Create a Safe Space for Open Dialogue.

Many experts will tell you simply to let your partner know how you feel, what you want, and how you want things to be. Then somehow, if you just get honest enough, everything will start to get better.

While we agree that honesty is the best policy, we also believe that how and where you begin this conversation makes a huge difference in the outcome.

We suggest that you start by creating a space for open dialogue–one with some communication guidelines that will help both of you feel safe and comfortable. Start by exploring whether there’s anything that would prevent either of you from speaking honestly.

We’ve found people are often worried about judgment, criticism and bringing up past wounds. Spend some time discovering anything else that might cause either of you discomfort about having this dialogue. Then come up with some guidelines that will create a safe space for both of you. Try these for starters:

• Agree that you’ll refrain from judging or criticizing your partner–or yourself.
• Agree that you’ll refrain from analyzing past events to determine who was right and who was wrong.

Add any other guidelines to your list that you believe will help you create a safe space for open, honest communication.

Read Part 2 of this 7 part series, or sign up for our RSS feed so you will be notified automatically when it’s posted.

Of Course You want more Love and Intimacy in Your Relationship

We’re starting this post with the assumption that you want a satisfying and deeply [tag-tec]intimate relationship[/tag-tec] with your spouse or significant other. If so, then it’s important to remember that the most successful relationships start with people who love themselves. The sooner you start giving yourself the kind of love that you’d like to experience in your relationship, the more fulfilling and intimate your relationship will become.

But do you ever wonder what the phrases “self-love” or “loving yourself” really mean, or what they have to do with creating a deeper sense of [tag-tec]marriage intimacy[/tag-tec]? Even if you see the connection, do you wonder how to go about learning to truly love yourself?

Self Love Starts Here

Here’s the very first step: start noticing all the wonderful things about you! We know this might sounds simplistic, but you might be surprised how many people there are who, on a regular basis, simply ignore or don’t notice all the wonderful things about themselves.

“You must first love yourself before you can fully love another…” ~ Jennifer Good

How often do you stop and take the time to acknowledge yourself — to notice the things you enjoy about yourself? The best way to do this is to begin a practice of consciously focusing your attention on the wonderful things about you. Each morning make a conscious intention to notice and write down at least 10 things you enjoy about yourself during the day. When you go to bed at night, take time to review the list and appreciate yourself for these things.

Try It and Then Decide

This might sound a little silly, but when you start practicing this regularly you’ll be amazed how much better you feel about yourself, and how quickly loving yourself at a deeper level will follow. Once you feel this sense of self love and acceptance we guarantee it can’t help but stimulate more love, acceptance and intimacy in your relationship.

So now you know you know how to fill in the blank in the title of this post: Marriage Intimacy Begin With YOU.

So get out there and start consciously loving yourself–no one else can do this for you.

The No. 1 Obstacle

Many people say that the No. 1 obstacle when attempting to maintain [tag-tec]marriage intimacy[/tag-tec] and create a healthy, happy relationship is the lack of [tag-tec]good communication skills[/tag-tec].

What do you think? Are you in an intimate relationship? Do you believe it’s essential to have [tag-tec]good communication in your relationship[/tag-tec] in order to create the kind of closeness and connection you want?

If so, here’s a tip that we guarantee will help you do just that.

Start by truly understanding the other person’s point of view. Very often when couples start communicating about a problem or dissatisfaction the first thing they hear from their partner sounds like a criticism or a complaint. This is a critical point in the conversation and very often where the communication begins to break down.

This happens as often as it does because most people think in terms of strategies–what they want and the most effective way they think they can get it. This strategy often takes the form of a complaint–how you could change to help them get what they want or a criticism–what your doing “wrong” that is keeping them from getting what they want.

It’s Not About You

Understanding what someone deeply values or the need they’re trying to meet underneath the criticism or complaint is critical to creating genuinely satisfying relationships. Taking the lead in this area is something that you can do immediately to help improve the quality of your communication and in turn, your entire relationship.

Certainly, one way to find out what’s under their complaint is simply to ask them. It’s a place to start, but it’s not always the most effective way of getting to the truth about what a person really values. As we pointed out above, people often think in terms of their strategies as opposed the value or need that is stimulating the strategy.

If you began a conversation by talking about a problem in the relationship and you ask them what they want about the problem you may hear things like, “I want you to _____” (fill in the blank).

• Spend more time with me
• Stop being such a know-it-all
• Listen when I’m talking, etc

Dig Deep

Clearly, these statements just tell you what they want you to do, not what they value, not what need they’re trying to meet. Getting to the underlying values hidden in these statements may require a little detective work on your part. Don’t just take their answers at face value; dig down beneath the surface to find out what values are at the base of what they want.

As an example, let’s dig under these statements and discover what the person might value that had them say what they did.

• Spend more time with me, is probably stimulated by the longing for more connection or intimacy.
• Stop being such a know-it-all, could be a desire for acknowledgment or appreciation for what they know.
• Listen when I’m talking, might be coming from a wish to be understood clearly.

Once you have an idea about what the other person values and what’s most important to them, many other strategies will become obvious for helping them experience these essential qualities.

And for you, it will be much easier to relate them and want to support them then it would be if all you continue to hear was the criticism or complaints.

What’s Fair is Fair?

Are you concerned with the fairness in your relationships? Do you expect everyone involved in the relationship to do their part if they want to share the benefits? Some say that, in order for a relationship to truly work, both people need to contribute equally. This focus of your attention may be leading to the [tag-tec]intimacy problems[/tag-tec] in your [tag-tec]relationship[/tag-tec].

Many people labor under the assumption that only when a relationship is truly “50-50” can it be a better, happier, [tag-tec]more intimate relationship[/tag-tec]. Unfortunately, this is simply not true. We think it’s a myth that should be dispelled.

Why? We find it’s the people who truly believe in this myth who most often find themselves unhappy, frustrated, and lacking the most [tag-tec marriage intimacy]intimacy[/tag-tec] in their relationships.

What Do You “Expect” from Your Relationships?

This happens whenever someone sits around and expects others to behave in certain ways–ways that they have decided are “doing their fair share.” This is a recipe for disappointment. Keeping score is no way to keep your relationship, even a married relationship on smooth and solid ground.

In fact, expecting others to act certain ways or do certain things to “make us happy” actually limits our ability to be happy. If we want to be truly happy then we need to embrace the idea that we are the only ones in control of our happiness.

When you stop expecting particular things from your relationship, you can start working towards happiness, satisfaction and true intimacy in your relationship.

You Can Have What You Want!

This means taking full responsibility–being 100% responsible for your own happiness. This doesn’t mean you stop trying to get what you want from your relationships. It means just the opposite, if something is missing, you take responsibility for making it happen, and this can be done with or without your partner’s help. When you figure out how to get what you want, you can’t help but be happier, more satisfied and create a more intimate relationship.

Don’t leave your happiness solely in the hands of others. Start being 100% responsible for creating true happiness and a deeper sense of intimacy in all of your relationships starting right now.