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Why People Become Relationship Terrorists

First of all, I dislike using labels such as “terrorist.” Labels such as these tend to dehumanize the person we’re talking about and help perpetuate a culture of “enemy images.” And “enemy images” are the driving force that perpetuates terrorism.

But to unwrap this label, let’s agree that terrorism means: “the systematic use of fear, especially as a means of coercion.” The question that comes to my mind is: How could anyone come to believe that using fear to influence someone else to do what we want is the best strategy? (Just look at the history of the Middle East if you want to see how ineffective this strategy is at truly resolving issues.)

Well, the best answer I’ve found to this question has to do with how we unwittingly adopt our culture’s beliefs and then unquestioningly act on them. I haven’t seen anyone who explains this more succinctly than this talk given by …

Dan Dennett: On ants, terrorism, and the awesome power of meme

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/dan_dennett_on_dangerous_memes.html

Here’s one of those talks that can change your view of the world forever. Starting with the deceptively simple story of an ant, Dan Dennett unleashes a dazzling sequence of ideas, making a powerful case for the existence of “memes” — a term coined by Richard Dawkins for mental concepts that are literally alive and capable of spreading from brain to brain. On the way, look out for:
+ a powerful one-sentence secret of happiness
+ a compelling insight into terrorists’ motivation
+ a chilling view of Islam
And just when you think you know where the talk’s heading, it dramatically shifts direction and questions some of western culture’s fundamental assumptions.
This Is Unmissable.

After viewing this talk, it’s not hard to understand how a dangerous set of relationship memes has hijacked most of the brains in today’s culture, and why people end up acting the way they do on “dating” and Survivor type reality shows.

Fascinating stuff! What do you think?

Committed to Your Success,
Neill Gibson


Happiness and The Law of Attraction

Tag: Happiness,Stress ReliefBeth and Neill

If you believe in the Law of attraction as we do, then creating a happy life must begin by focusing on things that make you happy. We would like to support you today in this process by offering videos that create a feeling of happiness in us. We hope you enjoy them too.

Goldfrapp – Happiness

Free Hug

Animals that make you happy

just something to make you smile – hopefully

Song “Don’t worry, be happy”
by Bobby McFerrin

We wish you a wonderful, happy day. And it least for if you minutes everyday… Don’t worry, be happy


Personal Values and the Heart’s Intuitive Intelligence

This NEW video from our friends over at HeartMath is an overview of the amazing and vital role of the heart in our lives, and how our personal energetics shapes our social relationships and ultimately affects global consciousness.  The video is about creating Personal, Social and ultimately Global Coherence.

Where this HeartMath video talks about the intuitive nature of “heart feelings”, those familiar with our work will recognize that these feelings are generated whenever one is in resonance with that core pattern of values that are central to each person’s makeup. Our experience working with people is in complete harmony with the material presented in this new video, and we wholeheartedly recommend HeartMath’s work.

We hope you enjoy the video!

The Heart’s Intuitive Intelligence —

a path to personal, social and global coherence

 

;-)HeartMath’s mission is to facilitate a fundamental shift in health, well-being and consciousness. The focus of its triple-bottom-line mission is people, planet and profit. And what could be bad about that?

Please leave a comment below and share whether you rely on your heat’s intuitive sense as described in this video and if so, how you have developed or nurture this ability.

 


How Do You Deal With Angry People?

Like most things, how you respond to another person’s anger is probably different depending upon your relationship with them and the circumstance. At the same time, you’ll probably recognize some patterns in how you deal with anger

Do you shut down, clam up, and hope they’ll go away? Do you puff up and try to out-bluster them? Do you start explaining, apologizing, or simply flee the scene?

If any of this sound like you, then you’re probably missing the two most important parts of dealing effectively with someone else’s anger, whether it’s a minor upset or full-blown rage.

First, you’ve probably heard someone say, “They are angry at me.” or “I made them angry.” This is the first fundamental mistake most people make when dealing with anger. They falsely believe that someone else can be angry “with them” or that they “can cause” another person’s anger.

The truth is, another person’s upset, anger, or even rage is never ever about you. It is always about how scared the other person is about whether or not they’re going to get something they value, keep something they value, or lose something they value. In other words, it’s always about them and what they value. Always.

Stop Taking It Personally!

When you realize this you can begin to stop taking other people’s anger personally. And this gives you the freedom to really get underneath their anger and create practical, effective solutions that get to the heart of the matter.

Beth and I co-authored an article about this topic that appeared in this month’s issue (Sept. ’08) of the NonviolentCommunication.com eNewsletter. You can read more about this idea of “not taking it personally” there. But I wanted to expand a little bit on one of the points that we made in that article.

And that’s the second most important thing to keep in mind when dealing with anger. And that’s to apply your sharply focused attention on separating the “stimulus” for anger from the “clause” of anger. I say “sharply focused attention” because this is no simple task to separate stimulus from cause, a specially given most people’s lack of experience or training in distinguishing between the two.

Separating Stimulus from Cause

Take the two statements I used as examples above. Both of these statements imply that the stimulus and cause of the other person’s anger is the person making the statement. In fact, it must’ve been something the person said or did, didn’t say, or didn’t do that stimulated this anger reaction in the other person.

But even if you plug in these facts, the statements still do not get to the root of the anger. “Bill is angry because I didn’t return his phone call” “Mary is angry because I didn’t pick her up at the airport on time.” Again, these actions or inactions are only the stimulus for Bill’s and Mary’s anger.

At the root of the anger is their belief that they’re not getting something they value. In this case it might be something like consideration, predictability, or caring. So if you can apply your sharply focused attention to determining what it is that Bill and Mary might value that’s missing for them, you’re much more likely to begin to have a conversation with them about how important those things are to them and how they might be able to get them in the future.

Not Getting What You Want Never Makes You Angry

But even given all that, it’s important to realize that the bills and Mary’s anger is not caused by the fact they are not getting something that is important to them.

So what is the cause? Both Bill and Mary are afflicted with “should” thinking and have adopted the strategy of “being angry” as the best way to get other people to do what they “should” do.

What is “Should Thinking” you ask? Well, that’s the subject of another post.

Until then, I am committed to your success,
Neill Gibson


Happiness Is Random Expressions of Gratitude

Tag: HappinessBeth and Neill

What do you say–let’s all practice random expressions of gratitude.

gratitude

If you did, how would you feel? What would your daily life be like? For that matter, what would the world be like if, instead of labeling, judging and criticizing, everyone ran around practicing random expressions of gratitude?

When your mother calls and says, “Why don’t you call me more often?” Say, “Thank you for loving me so much Mom.” When your boss looks over your shoulder and says, “That’s not the way you should do that!” Say, “I appreciate you desire to help me.” When your friend says, “You’re late! I hate it when you’re late!” Say, “I’m so grateful you’re willing to talk to me about this.”

What’s the alternative? Label them as needy, overbearing, picky… Which feels better? Which is closer to the truth? Which one is more fun for everybody involved?

So what do you say? Let’s try it and see what happens.

With love and great appreciation for who you are in the world,

Beth and Neill


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